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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you be bothered by this? MIL related..

22 replies

mrsclaus1984 · 28/12/2023 20:16

Not sure how I feel about this!!

I’ve been with my DH for 10 years, married for 5.

DH’s previous relationship ended a couple of years before meeting me, they split up as it was long distance and grww apart, and ultimately she ended up cheating on him. He told me about this not long after we met. He never speaks about her, because she’s many years ago in the past, so why would he.

He’s not in contact with her, but his parents are. They’ve remained Facebook friends with her all these years, which I have no issue with.

Most years I see that she leaves happy birthday/christmas posts on their Facebook pages. Again, I’ve no issue with this.

However, on Boxing Day, there was a post from her on my MIL’s page and my MIL’s reply has really.. bothered me.

She posted along the lines of ‘happy Christmas, hope you and the family are all well.’

To which my MIL replied with a general ‘happy Christmas to you too, all fine here etc’
BUT .. then… my MIL literally said to her ‘anyway, how are you? We miss you lots!! Wish you were still a part of our family’ and a couple of heart emojis..

Bearing in mind that my DH and this woman split up many years ago..
DH and I have always had a solid marriage.. I’d never dream of cheating on him like his ex did…

I get on fine with my in-laws but wouldn’t say I’m massively close to them… however I’ve always assumed it was due to the (geographical) distance between us.. now I wonder if it’s actually that they just don’t like me.

or that they wish my DH had married his ex instead.

Anyway - what I’m wondering is if I’m BU to be bothered by my MIL reply to her?

OP posts:
NevergonnagiveHughup · 28/12/2023 20:21

It’s a bit insensitive and does sound
like she preferred her to you, but what can you actually do about it? Whatever she thinks she thinks.

You can either make a big issue of it and it’ll blow up between you, or just accept it, keep your distance and live your own life. I personally wouldn’t get too wound up about it - but you know where you stand.

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 20:21

This is the problem with SM, your life would be better you just didn't know this.

It's not great but also it probably means less than you're reading into it. Have you discussed it with your DH? Does your MIL even know about the cheating?

SiennaMillar · 28/12/2023 20:24

Yanbu.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 28/12/2023 20:26

My mil actually spent Christmas with his ex the first year we were together, declined our invite. Went to hers instead! 🤣🤣

Marshmallowpop · 28/12/2023 20:28

Yanbu!

Maddy70 · 28/12/2023 20:29

Isnt she just being nice? She was a part of her family and she still cares about her not that she prefers her to you.

She responded in a loving way not intending to hurt you

2024betterBebetter · 28/12/2023 20:31

She might have not thought beyond saying something nice to the ex who she obviously likes a lot.
I would be annoyed about it though, so YANBU.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 20:31

When we told mil I was pregnant she snarled at me how his ex had wanted his dc.. Obviously out of dh's earshot.. Was a sign of her true feelings ime. She dumped us when dc was born...

nc321152 · 28/12/2023 20:32

Would it bother me? Yes, absolutely.

Would I do anything about it? No.

As long as DH prefers you to his ex it doesn't really matter what his mother thinks.

mondaytosunday · 28/12/2023 20:32

My mil made no bones about it -she hated her son's ex wife, and knowing her she did not keep it a secret! Your mil may indeed have had a closer relationship with her than you, and miss that. Yes insensitive to put it on a social page where you are likely to see it, but you have to accept her feelings as perfectly valid and not a reflection on you or your husband.

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 28/12/2023 20:35

I can understand why you are a bit put out -it is insensitive and a rather silly comment to make publicly.

However, best to ignore it, don't mention it. You and your husband are solid and this is of no threat or consequence.

(Would also be great if you have a happy family photo to pop on your own page to get a subtle message across!)

VWT5 · 28/12/2023 20:36

Try not to see it as any sort of comparison. I think she is just being nice, she has a link and a previous relationship with her.

(My DM kept in close contact with my DB former partner, my DM hugely missed her, they had a lovely relationship, DM viewed her as another DD)

Kindly, I think it’s not really about you, if you can see it that way?

nimski · 28/12/2023 20:38

She prefers a woman who cheated on her son 🤦‍♀️...says it all really. Just ignore her and her insensitivity.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 28/12/2023 20:46

Do they know she cheated? I would say if they do, it’s weird they even keep in touch.

SALWARP2023 · 28/12/2023 20:49

Well the ex girlfriend doesn't get to upset MIL does she because she isn't really part of their lives so she is the idea of a perfect DIL. Rise above it and does it really matter whether she likes you or not?

Original poster
mrsclaus1984 · 28/12/2023 20:51

I’m actually not sure if my in-laws know she cheated. Spoke to DH about how I feel and he has told me to ignore it.

OP posts:
ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 28/12/2023 21:05

Maddy70 · 28/12/2023 20:29

Isnt she just being nice? She was a part of her family and she still cares about her not that she prefers her to you.

She responded in a loving way not intending to hurt you

This. She was a part of the family, and why should she be cast out just because she and your DH are not together. Maybe MIL did prefer her to you, maybe she didn't, maybe they had more in common - does it really matter? I would just ignore it and enjoy your life, worrying about random SM posts is silly.

LizHoney · 28/12/2023 21:16

nc321152 · 28/12/2023 20:32

Would it bother me? Yes, absolutely.

Would I do anything about it? No.

As long as DH prefers you to his ex it doesn't really matter what his mother thinks.

Yep. Note it about her, but move on.

2Old2Tango · 28/12/2023 21:22

It's possible that MIL meant that she wished she was part of the family in some respect, but not necessarily married to your DH. I'm assuming they had a good relationship which she misses. I wouldn't necessarily take it that she would prefer to have the ex in the family instead of you.

blackpanth · 28/12/2023 21:26

Yanbu

LuluBlakey1 · 28/12/2023 21:42

I have stayed in touch with my ex's mum- I have known her since I was a toddler and she has always been part of my life. She loves me to bits. He's happily married and so am I and neither of us want to be together, although we have always been good friends.
I send her Christmas cards, visit her a couple of times a year, take her out for lunch when I do, buy her a small Christmas present. We talk about my parents (she is one of the few people left who knew them), her mum (who I remember well), shared memories of events, the place we both grew up, the news, she likes to tell me about local crimes 😂, she has a very dry sense of humour about celebrities. I love to catch up with her. My relationship with her is nothing to do with my friendship with him. We don't often mention him even though I see him quite often. We rarely mention his wife. She likes to hear about DH and our DC - she has met DH and liked him very much.

I can imagine her saying something like that to me as your MIL said to your DH's ex-DP. I wouldn't relate it to her preferring me- I just know she loves me.I've been part of her life as she has mine.

Applesandpears23 · 28/12/2023 22:05

I miss my former MIL. I got in touch a few years ago to let her know I had met someone else and had kids and was happy.

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