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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel helpless over family fighting

16 replies

winniebeen · 28/12/2023 19:27

My sons birthday is on the 27th. Which is unfortunate as everyone usually busy/tired after Christmas.

That said we do try and make sure it is a special day for him, entirely separate from Christmas (we take most decs down and put birthday stuff up)

One of my sons best friends is is cousin (brothers son). They are similar ages.

My mum offered to host the birthday party this year. There were about 8 people coming, all close family. 10-1, family buffet and cake.

We hosted Christmas. As brother and wife left ours on the 25th brothers wife (who was fairly well served) said to me 'don't think we are going to make the birthday party, I think we fancy a day in the house after all the rushing around'. I was surprised as this would leave my son as the only child at his birthday party, and without his best friend.

My mum was in the hall when she said this and eyebrows were raised. She pulled my brother and said 'you can't spare an hour to celebrate with your nephew? I've bought food and cake for 8' and he (having not heard his wife give an excuse) said 'oh wife has invited her family over for a boozy brunch so we won't be able to drive that day'.

Subsequently my brother rang me on Boxing Day saying he was riddled with guilt but he'd been given a me or them ultimatum by his wife. He had suggested he brought my nephew over for an hour for some cake and to play with DS but his wife wasn't happy. He told me they had fallen out with my Mum who had quite sternly told them that the impression was that alcohol was more of a priority than seeing their nephew, plus they had agreed to this party weeks ago and she had spent money catering it,

Now SIL and Mum are raging at each other, my child was upset his friend didn't come to his party, and I feel sort of struck between being annoyed that my child feels sad.

Do I keep out of it? What do I do?

OP posts:
LetMeOut2021 · 28/12/2023 19:30

Your SIL didn’t need to come but she definitely crossed a line not allowing your brother to come for an hour or so.

I think all that needs to be said has been said now. I wouldn’t excuse them - I’d let them know I was disappointed. But I would still move forward and wouldn’t hold it against them (except to the extent that I wouldn’t prioritise SIL’s events in the future).

Hipnotised · 28/12/2023 19:31

I'd be raging too for the lies, letting your son down, the selfishness of your SIL and the spinelessness of your DB.

Do nothing, it sounds like your mum is on the case!

winniebeen · 28/12/2023 19:59

Yes I was really annoyed at the last minute pull out, the fact that we had slogged all day for Christmas for them to dump this on us and for my son to be so disappointed.

However, I just sort of 'whatevered' my brother. His wife has since flounced out of all of the family WhatsApp's (she's done this before) and we are all just carrying on as normal.

I honestly can't be bothered with the immaturity. So I think my approach is just to not contact them? Let them contact Me? Is that right? Hard to know what to do as I'm quite averse to drama or confrontation.

OP posts:
Cmonluv · 28/12/2023 20:07

They spent Xmas with you and she wanted a day with her family. Would be a total non event in our family, sort of 'oh that's annoying but families have 2 sides, we'll meet with the boys at softplay on date x sure and we LL save him some cake'

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 20:08

Next year tell them it's low key Christmas and big celebrations for ds...

winniebeen · 28/12/2023 20:15

Cmonluv · 28/12/2023 20:07

They spent Xmas with you and she wanted a day with her family. Would be a total non event in our family, sort of 'oh that's annoying but families have 2 sides, we'll meet with the boys at softplay on date x sure and we LL save him some cake'

No, she had Christmas Day night at her mums and Boxing Day at her Brothers 😂

It was due to be my Sons party on the 27th.

But they had booked another event with her family on the 27th.

OP posts:
winniebeen · 28/12/2023 20:16

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 20:08

Next year tell them it's low key Christmas and big celebrations for ds...

Well- this is what my father has suggested.

He's said next year he will insist they go to her family for Christmas dinner so that my son can have his family at his birthday party.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 28/12/2023 20:23

I respect the hell out of your mum!

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2023 20:31

Your sister-in-law is a total bitch and I wouldn't have her involved in my life from here on out. She's made her bed and shit behaviour has consequences.

I highly doubt your mother will ever let this go.

winniebeen · 28/12/2023 20:37

Yeah my mum is pretty tough.

It may just be my preference for little drink but I just don't get the priory of getting slashed every day you are on holiday. It's a bit grim to me.

OP posts:
Cmonluv · 28/12/2023 20:38

That's a bit different as I was assuming it was their family Christmas celebrations. Still though would roll my eyes or shrug and let it go. Life's too short.

ReflectiveRogue1001 · 28/12/2023 20:45

Your mum is fecking awesome!

I bet your brother is mortified

ReflectiveRogue1001 · 28/12/2023 20:45

And shame on him, btw

MaggieFS · 28/12/2023 20:46

So the wife wasn't happy with DB bringing his son over for an hour because she wanted HIM to drink?

It's a bit weird on top of it being crap she booked her family to come after your son's party was arranged.

I'd be pissed off but it sounds like your mum is more than fighting the corner.

As long as she doesn't make a habit of treating your mum and DS so badly, I'd move on. Life's too short.

itsmylife7 · 28/12/2023 20:52

Your Mum and Dad sound really supportive.

Definitely agree don't invite them next Christmas day.

and let your Mum sort it out, don't get involved.

StaunchMomma · 28/12/2023 21:20

SIL shouldn't have lied about their plans for the day and absolutely could have allowed DB & DN to pop over and see your DS for an hour.

I'd say she owes you, her DH and MIL an apology and you wouldn't be speaking out of turn to tell her that, if asked.

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