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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Confused about boyfriend hiding me from his kids?

14 replies

throwaway59 · 28/12/2023 18:43

AIBU? For 5 months now I have been in a relationship with someone, who is a close friend’s brother.

Prior to this, I have been to many of their family outings/gatherings with my 6 year old child, hence how we met. So I have technically met his 2 sons before we even started dating. Recently, the 2 boys (10&10) have been onto him about him dating someone, and they actually guessed it was me. He told them no it wasn’t me and he’s not dating anyone, as he doesn’t feel ready to tell them yet.

However the other day I popped over to his mother’s house, and my boyfriend also went round with his 2 boys (we both didn’t realise we would see each other there), and one of his sons asked me directly ‘are you dating my dad?’

my boyfriend was standing behind him and had a face of sheer panic and shook his head at me to say no, which I did.

I feel bad that I’ve lied to them and wonder if this is going to cause more damage in the future to them, if they are told. He said his sons have even said to his own mother that they had hoped it was me.

My boyfriend has said he is still not ready to tell them, however at this point they are adamant it’s me and I feel like things are just getting messier and more confusing for them .
Am I in the wrong for thinking he should at least tell them?

OP posts:

LittleBearPad · 28/12/2023 18:44

It’s been 5 months. Be patient

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 18:47

What's the rush?

youcandanceifyouwanna · 28/12/2023 18:51

After 5 months, I think you can assume he's sadly just not that into you- maybe it's time to move on.

Ponderingwindow · 28/12/2023 18:52

That they know you makes it all the more complicated. They may quite like the general idea of you being ‘the one’, because they do know you and that is comfortable for them. If it doesn’t work out between you and their father, they will be all the more disappointed. It could mean that this friendship group has to break up too. Far better to keep things quiet until you are relatively sure the relationship has a chance of being permanent if it passes the transition from private to family level.

chompargh · 28/12/2023 18:58

I would say usually yeah it's fine to take things slowly. But if they've already guessed then it's much worse to lie.

Original poster

throwaway59 · 28/12/2023 18:58

Thank you for the responses so far. If the boys hadn’t have been suspicious of their dad dating, I totally would totally understand waiting much longer to tell them. But I fear that him repeatedly lying to them and saying no I’m not dating her, and me having to lie to their faces is going to make them distrust us both in the long run.

OP posts:

mayorofcasterbridge · 28/12/2023 19:00

youcandanceifyouwanna · 28/12/2023 18:51

After 5 months, I think you can assume he's sadly just not that into you- maybe it's time to move on.

Really???

ACynicalDad · 28/12/2023 19:02

Generally I’d say his kids his call, as a minimum I’d be clear that around the year mark he has to tell them and say it was his choice to withhold the truth and why - presumably to protect them - but I think he should confess.

flawlessandfearless · 28/12/2023 19:03

youcandanceifyouwanna · 28/12/2023 18:51

After 5 months, I think you can assume he's sadly just not that into you- maybe it's time to move on.

Or he's protecting his children from a relationship they don't need to be involved in yet.

If they didn't already know each other they wouldn't know about her at all yet which is how it should be after 5 months. This is a bit more awkward and he probably shouldn't lie to them but I get why he has.

Original poster

throwaway59 · 28/12/2023 19:03

I totally agree, if they had no idea about me I would think it would be much better to wait much longer. But my fear is that they’ve asked him if it’s me so many times and he’s said no every time, that if he does eventually tell them it’s going to cause them to feel mistrust towards me and their dad.

OP posts:

Peoplemakemedespair · 28/12/2023 19:04

youcandanceifyouwanna · 28/12/2023 18:51

After 5 months, I think you can assume he's sadly just not that into you- maybe it's time to move on.

Why would someone not be into someone as they don’t want their children to know they’re shagging them? It could be 5 years and not including your children in your sexual relationships would be normal

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 28/12/2023 19:07

It's difficult isn't it, because they've guessed already. I personally am not a fan of lying to children; I think at this stage they will know you're not being truthful which isn't a great way to start things off and could lead them to feeling insecure/not trusting what you and their dad tellthem in future. I would have said in response to the direct question, yes me and your dad have been out for a couple of coffees, but we don't want to rush in to a relationship just yet because you both come first. Easy to say with the benefit of hindsight though!

Original poster

throwaway59 · 28/12/2023 19:10

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight that would have been the perfect response, but I totally panicked when they asked. I agree with lying to them, it feels so wrong.

OP posts:

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 28/12/2023 19:15

@throwaway59 well it's easy for me to say composing a leisurely response behind a keyboard. In truth facing his children with him going no! No! behind them I would have reacted the same as you.

If it's bothering you, could you sit them down for a chat, opening with we know you've asked the question and we don't want to lie to you - yes we've been out a couple of times but we're taking things very slowly and you are the priority, etc. Do you think your partner would go for that maybe?

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