Eaten up by anger and resentment

[Hotfeetcoldfeet]

I am the main carer for my elderly dad who has multiple physical health issues plus anxiety and depression which ebbs and flows. He lives in sheltered housing very close by but I support him daily, both practically and emotionally which I find hard. My sister lives over an hour away and doesn’t really bother with him, except for phoning him when he is ill and a visit every couple of months. She is single and living her best life.

I also have a daughter year 7 who is v hard work with ADHD and a disability. Her dad moved 5 hours away when she was born and takes on the Disney dad role, rocking up every fortnight for a weekend in a hotel and holidays abroad each half term. He showers her with constant gifts and doesn’t bother imposing rules or boundaries on her. I do everything else with her, all the boring stuff, school, homework, clinic visits, getting her in bed at a reasonable time, hosting play dates, facilitating clubs, talking her through multiple friendship dramas etc.

in the run up to Christmas I’ve been on my knees with looking after them both as well as making Christmas happen and working in a high pressure job full time. Usually I am happy and fulfilled and although generally knackered, I focus on the incredibly strong relationship I have with dad and my daughter and am so pleased that I can support them both like I do. However, over the last couple of days I have just felt overwhelmed with resentment and bitterness. My sister has been in a glamorous holiday location over Christmas whilst I host my dad, with all that entails, and my ex has also been abroad, whilst Ive been making Christmas magical for our daughter, and now he’s picked her up to take her abroad somewhere amazing. I am so so angry and bitter that sis and ex don’t have any of the responsibility and stress that looking after people entails, and just do the fun bits of life that I just can’t manage. I am absolutely exhausted and can’t see the positives of my life at the moment. I have a wonderful partner and amazing friends but my emotions are so overwhelming at the moment that I can’t ask for support IRL.

I’m usually good at snapping myself out of any ‘grass is greener’ moods but I’ve been like this for a couple of days and I can’t shift it, I’m so deeply jealous, resentful, angry and upset. AIBU? Also any advice for digging myself out of this pit of self pity that Ive fallen into?? Thank you

The only person who can change this situation is you.

You can't change their behavior but you can change yours.

Stop being a martyr.

YANBU, it’s beyond shit how much women have to do.

My advice is to focus on those who love you and ignore the others.

I’d go low contact with your sister and remove her from social media so you don’t see what she’s up to. Don’t do her any favours.

And keep any communications with ex related to dd only. Have you asked him to have dd more during the week?

That sounds really tough and I know exactly what you mean. Real love and devotion is doing exactly what you do, not just the good bits! And you know that and so so they (or your dd will).
I'm sure that in the future you will reap the rewards. Your dd will come to understand with time what you did for her. And you dsis might have children and responsibilities of her own one day, when your dd is older, and you can be living your best life while she deals with sleep deprivation !
Is there any way you can get her to take over care for your dad while dd is away and then give yourself a break? If not away, just some nice candles, fresh bed sheets, TV you love and some nice ready meals ?
You sound as if you deserve a rest and a treat

'Stop being a martyr' is incredibly harsh, unhelpful and lacking in empathy.

OP, I hear you, and I think it's time for some honest conversations. A sit down with your sister where you explain that the situation with your dad is getting harder, your life is getting more challenging and you need more support. Spell out exactly what that might look like and what you'd like her to do.

And with your ex, a similar conversation about parenting and what it actually means, which is being there for the boring bits, the ordinary bits, the hard bits. Providing care and routine and discipline, not just presents and excitement. Ultimately I don't suppose you can force either your ex or your sister to change, but telling them how you feel and what you need in is the first step.

Good luck, and YANBU.

I do feel like a proper martyr and it’s not a good look, but I don’t think there is anything else I can do about the situation. The ex lives 5 hours away so can’t have my DD in the week and I am quite boundaried with my sister but don’t want to drop her out altogether as it would kill my dad. And yes, all communication with ex is just DD related. I just have to suck it up and as you say, nurture the relationships and people who love me. I think my resilience is low at the moment and so I am just feeling it more than usual.

You need a holiday

What do you suggest she actually does, practically?

You don't just have to suck it up! Especially with your sister. Do you feel able to tell her that you're struggling? It could be that she's hiding behind the fact that 'Hotfeet doesn't mind doing everything for my dad, she's never said it's a bother' but if you actually confront her with it she'll step up. (This is what happened with my bro and me. He lives a distance away so can't do everyday care but supports me, says thank you, sends money when I'm out of pocket for hospital parking, food top up shops, picking up medical supplies etc. It all helps.)

With your ex I agree it's harder, and maybe a shift of perspective might help. You don't have to shower your dd with gifts and special experiences, your relationship has a more solid foundation and when she's an adult it'll be all the closer and stronger as a result.

I avoid talking to my sister about anything difficult, or about my feelings in general as she is insensitive and also gets highly defensive and takes the victim stance and will see it all as my fault somehow. It’s amazing how she perceives things. However I do think I need to say something as even if nothing changes then at least Ive expressed myself instead of keeping it all in which isn’t healthy and which is probably now why I’m feeling so overwhelmed. Regards the ex, I’ve talked to him about boundaries and routine til I’m blue in the face but he’s constantly in over compensation mode with DD and is weak, and she is very very strong willed. I don’t think their dynamic will change as he isn’t invested in doing anything difficult. I hold onto the fact that she will see through him as she’s older, and that the important thing in life isn’t the glamorous holiday but is the depth of relationships. I’m talking myself round already. Starting to feel better…

I also think I’ll book a holiday and put it on my sisters toes that she needs to be around in the UK to support my dad at that time if he needs it.

thank you all

This is an insensitive and unhelpful post

How exactly will OP be able to force her sister to provide any support for her father given that she's an hour away and clearly not wanting to do it?

How exactly will OP force disney dad to do the hard parts of parenting?

Perhaps you will send OP a few thousand pounds so that she can get some respite help for her dad and go on holiday?

You can't force a sibling into a carer role if they aren't prepared to take that on. You would be better off looking at finding a paid carer for your father if he needs care or at what care packages are available for him, or whether he should go into residential care.

As regard your ex then I am afraid you can't dictate what he does with his daughter in his contact time. So just concentrate on what you do with her to strengthen your relationship so she sees that is what is really important.

You sound like you are fielding a great deal, and doing really well…BUT it must be very hard to have your Ex and Sis cherry pick the best bits while you do all the hard yards.
i think, maybe ask for more help from them both. Perhaps some financial help from the Ex..maybe 1 less holiday for your child, but those funds come to you to bring in some help and support on a weekly basis.
The same with your Sis, perhaps tell her that whilst you recognise you can have a completely equal division of labour because of practicalities, can you give x number of weekends a year, or holiday cover? Perhaps more regular phone calls and distance contact with your dad from her so that you might be able to just have a few breaks, a day off flaring the daily grind.

As for the “stop being a martyr” comment. Horrible thing to put on your thread, you are not a martyr. You have stepped up and that feels very hard day in day out. Ignore that comment!

It is true though that if you uncomplainingly do all the shit work plenty of people will be happy to let you get on with it.

i think you need to look again at the situation with your dad and your daughter and see what changes you can make.

eg when your daughter is with her dad, do something nice for yourself. Trip to a nice hotel for a weekend, a nice holiday day for you when she’s next away.

if caring for your dad prevents that, change it. Paid care to cover when you are away? Asking your sister to step up and do this specific thing (though if she’s going to let you down I’d skip over that straight to paid care).

with your dad - it doesn’t sound sustainable to me. Taking short breaks - a weekend away, a holiday is a good way to start to change the status quo.

is it time for paid care or him going into a home with better care?

plenty of men are entitled enough to let their adult daughter ruin their own lives caring for them.

dont

back away from some of the caring duties associated with your father.
go on a vacation/retreat something just for you.

Have a sit down conversation with sis and explain that you’ll need to step back and let a paid carer take over a lot of the care as you can’t manage everything

Is it possible to arrange for a week or so respite care for your DDad to give yourself a break? That might help with working out a better solution for you…

You sound like you are getting no stress relief whatsoever. It sounds like you need a holiday. Can you and your DH take a holiday and your dds dad look after her while you are away? Tell your sister she needs to come and look after your dad or pay for a carer for the period you are away. You seem at breaking point. If you don't put your foot down others will allow you to do it all.

Has your Dad claimed attendance allowance ? It is not means tested

Book yourself a holiday

Excellent advice.
Maybe not the easiest to follow, as it seems like you are giving up any control, but what you are actually doing is giving up the struggle.
As you're not relying on the behaviour of others/ sister / ex, you are in control.

You are making life easier for you.

As pp asked, has your dad claimed attendance allowance? If not he needs to do that now. (Actually you will need to do it for him as the forms are long and you need to put in a lot of information about his health etc.) It is worth doing as you can then look at finding some external help for him.
You should contact your local social services via your council website and ask for a carer's assessment for yourself. What sort of things do you need to do for your dad? Could a paid carer do some of those things?
Have you got power of attorney sorted out? If not, get in touch with AGE UK and get it done or you will end up with a whole lot more stress in future.
I am sorry your sister doesn't help.

Once he has attendance allowance etc it is easier to access respite care. It used to be 6 weeks a year but I am not up to date these days as my parents died several years ago.

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

You can do the forms yourself as per instructions above with your father. The instructions are fairly easy to follow.
One for health
One for finances

Once you have POA, you don't need to use it until the time is ready

It is much better to have it prepared ready to use

Does your father have a will as well ?

Op, unless finances don’t allow it, you can book a holiday and take your child, there is no reason not to. You cannot force your sister to care for her father, that’s far from ok. Respect her decisions on this front. It’s her choice. Her boundary. Just as you have made different choices, doesn’t mean you get to force her to make different ones. Your father is in sheltered housing , he will be fine, they will have wardens and staff to make sure of it. you can also let go of the reigns in day to day.

your daughter does need more support, but it’s fine for her father to take her on holiday if he chooses to.

you need to make your decisions, but do not resent others for theirs.

It is OK to say NO sometimes

Can you put things in place, so that you can go on holiday ?

Could you speak to your sister / look at a carer for your dad for the dates when EXH has your daughter. Have some actual down time for yourself and do some nice things. It sounds incredibly hard and thankless. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.