Page 2 | Leaving DC alone at night

6079SmithW · 2023-12-28T18:06:14+00:00

Background - My ex DH and co parent our children which includes sharing Christmases. This year was my ex DH’s turn to have our two DD. They are lower senior school age (think year 7/year 8). I was at my mum’s for Christmas as we were both alone. It is a three hour coach journey away. I got home yesterday. Anyway the AIBU - yesterday due to the storm my coach was running nearly two hours late. It left at 17:20 instead of 15:30. I spoke to ex DH who insisted on leaving the DD at my house from 19:30 whether I was there or not as he wanted to go out. I was really concerned about the girls being at home on their own given the time, that it’s dark and at that point I had no idea of my arrival time. My ex DH was really angry and wouldn’t be reasoned with. AIBU to think that he should have kept the DD until I got home or am I being overly cautious and should agree to leaving them alone in the house at night?

Occasional2023 · 28/12/2023 18:37

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. There are 2 young people not one. You knew you were on your way home and it is dark at 4pm at the moment so realistically they must surely be capable of being at home without you for a couple of hours. Their dad knew the situation and you haven't said he wouldn't have been contactable if anything very serious had happened to delay you overnight. Your girls can have learnt resilience from the experience.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 28/12/2023 18:38

Beezknees · 28/12/2023 18:36

That's a very weird attitude though. It's not a transaction, they're kids. It wouldn't have killed him to wait a couple of hours.

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Oh I’m not saying I agree - just basing it on a couple of ex husbands I know!

Landlubber2019 · 28/12/2023 18:40

Hmmm technically the children should be ok to be left, however as you were a 3 hour drive away, the weather was poor and you had already been delayed, I would have expected him to prioritise the kids rather than a night out!!!

Ponderingwindow · 28/12/2023 18:46

most kids in that age range are fine to be left for an hour or two, even after dark, with one big caveat. You need to know the return time of the parent and the parent needs to be available to return early in an emergency.

Your travel could have been further delayed. Somehow I am willing to bet the ex wasn’t particularly concerned about keeping his phone close in he got a phone call and needed to rush over. That is what makes it inappropriate .

Zanatdy · 28/12/2023 18:50

I’d have no issue if senior school age

StSwithinsDay · 28/12/2023 18:53

So they could be as young as 11 and 12 (if they are years 7 and 8)?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 28/12/2023 18:59

I’d say it would be fine if he was sure that you would have been home by say 9/10 pm. 12/13 is old enough for them to be alone for a couple of hours earlier on in the evening. Not late though, and not over night. So as he couldn’t guarantee you’d be home due to the weather he should have kept them at least until you were half an hour or so away.

ActDottie · 28/12/2023 19:00

At their ages I think that’s fine. My parents started leaving me for a couple of hours around that age. Presumably being secondary school ages they have mobiles so could contact you or your ex in an emergency?

Denimdenimdenim · 28/12/2023 19:05

It really depends on the child. When I was 12 I was very mature and sensible. My brother was not.

For an hour or two I don't see the problem, if they can be trusted, of course.

amylou8 · 28/12/2023 19:05

I think it's perfectly reasonable to leave two 11/12/13 year olds for a few hours.
I also think the responsibility was on you to arrange childcare if you weren't happy with them being left. That said it would be the decent thing for him to do to change his plans if possible.

FatFemale · 28/12/2023 19:07

It was only a couple of hours. Im sure they were fine!! My oldest was getting the public bus to school at that age. You need to give them some credit unless theyre absolutely cannot be trusted to not burn the house down 🤷🏻‍♀️

stayathomer · 28/12/2023 19:09

Depends on the child, my ds(13) was left alone and hid because the neighbour knocked at the door. I would guess my 11yo absolutely wouldn’t panic in such a situation (he hasn’t been left alone yet, rule here is 13) With weather and evening though just doesn’t sound great, especially not if it’s just going out

Notmetoo · 28/12/2023 19:11

laperane · 28/12/2023 18:30

My secondary aged dc are at home for 1.5 hours every weekday before I get home. Completely normal around here. The fact it's a bit later in the evening doesn't impact on safety in any way I can think of.

I wouldn't leave children that age at night gime. But even if you are happy to leave them for a couple of hours she might not have made it home at all that night given the delay and the bad weather.
OP you are nit being unreasonable it's terrible behaviour by him and he is giving them a horrible message ie his night out is more important to him than they are.

Purplerain0505 · 28/12/2023 19:11

I think at that age it’s okay for a short time if you knew what time you’d be back. I can see you weren’t sure when it would be so ideally he’d have been contactable or able to get back to them if needed.

However both parents should be in agreement so I think it’s unfair that he didn’t take your feelings into account.

AvengedQuince · 28/12/2023 19:13

Was he contactable and able to return to them if you weren't going to be home by 10?

margotrose · 28/12/2023 19:17

If he was contactable and able to come back if you weren't home, I can't see an issue with this.

BibbleandSqwauk · 28/12/2023 19:44

@Beezknees the thing is, with separated parenting it does become like that. My time "off" to be me, to have a social life or whatever is very limited so if I was the dad in this situation (and I have been) I'd be pissed off to change or cancel my plans due to my ex. Plenty of posters dismissing his plans as "a night out" but it may have been a planned dinner, with people cooking specially, or guests he hadn't seen all year. Who knows? When my ex told me he couldn't meet for pick up until 3 hours after the arranged time (kids were to young to be left) it buggered up quite complex and long set plans..think concert tickets. In those circumstances, barring dire emergency, the onus is in the parent who's scheduled time it is to sort cover.

Beezknees · 28/12/2023 20:11

BibbleandSqwauk · 28/12/2023 19:44

@Beezknees the thing is, with separated parenting it does become like that. My time "off" to be me, to have a social life or whatever is very limited so if I was the dad in this situation (and I have been) I'd be pissed off to change or cancel my plans due to my ex. Plenty of posters dismissing his plans as "a night out" but it may have been a planned dinner, with people cooking specially, or guests he hadn't seen all year. Who knows? When my ex told me he couldn't meet for pick up until 3 hours after the arranged time (kids were to young to be left) it buggered up quite complex and long set plans..think concert tickets. In those circumstances, barring dire emergency, the onus is in the parent who's scheduled time it is to sort cover.

I'm a separated parent. I think being completely inflexible is shit especially for the children. It's all a bit "tit for tat". I wouldn't have arranged something on the same day that my children were there in case of an emergency.

UsingChangeofName · 28/12/2023 20:11

BibbleandSqwauk · 28/12/2023 19:44

@Beezknees the thing is, with separated parenting it does become like that. My time "off" to be me, to have a social life or whatever is very limited so if I was the dad in this situation (and I have been) I'd be pissed off to change or cancel my plans due to my ex. Plenty of posters dismissing his plans as "a night out" but it may have been a planned dinner, with people cooking specially, or guests he hadn't seen all year. Who knows? When my ex told me he couldn't meet for pick up until 3 hours after the arranged time (kids were to young to be left) it buggered up quite complex and long set plans..think concert tickets. In those circumstances, barring dire emergency, the onus is in the parent who's scheduled time it is to sort cover.

This.

If the OP had posted that she had long standing plans to meet up with people she'd not seen for ages..... or tickets for a show or some other time critical thing, and her ex wasn't there to have the dc at the time she had turned up to drop them off, the ex would be getting all sorts of name calling on here.........

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 28/12/2023 20:14

ShortColdandGrey · 28/12/2023 18:11

Of course, he should have kept them until you got home. What a complete arsehole he is.

Exactly these words. WTF is wrong with him?

Blueberry911 · 28/12/2023 20:15

If I was your ex, I wouldn't have left my children, but I would have been annoyed at the situation (and probably you to be honest) that you weren't covering childcare on your own time.

BibbleandSqwauk · 28/12/2023 20:28

Beezknees · 28/12/2023 20:11

I'm a separated parent. I think being completely inflexible is shit especially for the children. It's all a bit "tit for tat". I wouldn't have arranged something on the same day that my children were there in case of an emergency.

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Well when I only get 2/3 nights "off" every six weeks or so, I'm afraid I do tend to book stuff up. I spend 99% of my life sitting in my living room alone so damn right I'm going to arrange things on the rare occasions I can. I'm a parent not a martyr.

thedukeofbuckinghamshire · 28/12/2023 20:36

Hang in, it was a storm, OP couldn't have arranged alternative childcare as she didn't know it was going to happen. I'm really surprised about some of these comments. Surely any reasonable parent would just keep them a few more hours due to their mum being unexpectedly delayed. They are still very young and shouldn't be in the house on their own at night anyway. I'd have been terrified at that age.

Beezknees · 28/12/2023 20:38

BibbleandSqwauk · 28/12/2023 20:28

Well when I only get 2/3 nights "off" every six weeks or so, I'm afraid I do tend to book stuff up. I spend 99% of my life sitting in my living room alone so damn right I'm going to arrange things on the rare occasions I can. I'm a parent not a martyr.

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No one is saying be a martyr but emergencies happen occasionally and that's part and parcel of parenting.

HauntedPencil · 28/12/2023 20:40

I leave my 12 yo at home but I haven't left in an empty house at late evening without knowing when another parent was getting home and I wouldn't. He had no way of knowing if there would be further issues - so I don't think your being unreasonable to be annoyed at this.