When my partner is stressed I feel as if he talks to me like a grumpy teenager - short responses or grunts, a bit snappy and sarcastic sounding. I know I can be sensitive to other people’s moods, so try not to be too reactive, but it does cross a line where I feel like a doormat if I don’t say I don’t like it. Then if I try and say that it seemed disrespectful to me then we have a massive argument, which has once led to him telling me to fuck off, other times just being angrily defensive and extra sarcasm/grumpiness, however tactfully I try to approach the conversation. I think if I snap at people or am in a bad mood then I say sorry. But he’s saying that he’s ‘not allowed to be in a bad mood’ when what it feels like to me is that I’m not allowed to ask not to be talked to disrespectfully. The grumpiness (rather than the subsequent argument) is fairly low level, it’s not name calling or belittlement or anything, but it isn’t how I talk to him. I wish he could just say ‘sorry, bit stressed’ when i point it out, but instead he makes me feel as if i’m insane, sometimes by first denying he was even grumpy, then by saying yes he was in a bad mood but that’s his right. This is rare, and he has had some big stresses and challenges recently, but obviously there always will be stresses and I don’t want them to always lead to this. There has also been one recent occasion where he was grumpy on the final day of my working towards a the end of a years long massive work project. Again, not majorly offensive, but low key lack of politeness, which made me feel so unsupported.
YABU - low key grumpiness and ‘bad moods’ are normal in a relationship
YANBU - adults try not to grunt or snap at each other and say sorry if they do