Would you go to a family party in another country when you don't speak the language and have never met any of the relatives?

[wouldyougo]

Hi
My hubbie's family are Austrian (mums side) and there is a family birthday -his auntie's 50th birthday - at the end of June.

I don?t speak any German, dh speaks a little, I have never met any of them as they didn?t come to our wedding (their children were in school and we were told it was far too expensive for them to come over)
I wanted to visit in -06 as dh's granddad was gravely ill but we were told in no uncertain terms not to come as his grandmother was worried about 'putting us up' even though we said we would drive there and back in a day. Really dh just wanted to say goodbye to his Granddad. No, came the reply.

His grandma died on Christmas eve of last year and dh didn?t know whether to go to the funeral as I had just had ds 2 who would have been 6 weeks att. He didn't go as he felt his mum didn?t want him to go as she told him that he couldn?t stay at the house (huge house and he's a relative coming from a very long way away?) His mother also said that 'no one can pick you up from the airport you know...' Dh is a seasoned traveller so it doesn't faze him but he was very upset as he felt his mother was trying to get him not to go. His sisters had booked their flights (dh had to ask when the funeral was as he wasn't told) and were and they were staying at the house albeit in a tent in the garden.

Now, we have to pay for our seats and one for ds 1. We will have to book into the local hotel for as many nights as needed to go to a party with people I don?t know, dh hasn?t seen for at least 10 years, and the people all speak another language.

I am biased in that I don?t want to go but dh really does as he missed the funeral of his grandma.

His mother has just given me the date which is a sat and has just said '*would like people to fly over 2 or 3 days before the party.'

I am not happy about this but feel I need to support DH.

What would you do?

its his family, his choice. unless its really going to put you out but i dont see how it is. totally understand why you are relucatant but i think its his decision

My husband is Polish. I dont speak Polish.
It wouldnt occur to me not to go. I have gone with dh to weddings, to parties, I just wouldnt refuse a family occasion. Me and the kids were not invited to his grandfather, nor his fathers funeral, so we stayed home.

A few of them do speak English. I know I should support dh, and will, it's just I have found in the past that his mother has said things that weren't true to stir within the english family ( she phoned to tell us that if sil wasn't ds 1's godmother then she wouldn't come to his christening, we phoned sil and she didn't say that at all)
I am worried as I don't trust her to translate what we really said -is that stupid?

I don't think there is anything wrong with him going alone.
DH and I do this occasionally.
It can be very boring if you don't know anyone and a strange language on top sounds like a struggle to me.

I wouldn't go. Nothing can change that dh missed the funeral and actually, they all sound fairly unpleasant.

I think you should discuss him going on his own.

It's very draining when you don't speak the language, quite apart from all the other Ishoos.

I think a little effort on behalf of a spouse goes a very looooooooooong way.

Seems odd to think of going for an aunt's 50th birthday and not for grandparent's funeral though.

I don't think anyone would begrudge making an effort for their spouse but its not always necessary to go to every family occassion together.
He'll have his mother and siblings there.

I wouldn't go TBH. Sorry if this sounds selfish

If you're worried that she is untrustworthy I would go with him so you can stuck together and not let anything weird happen whilst you're not there if you know what I mean?
If he really wants to go then go with him and support him, maybe it will end in disaster but maybe dh needs that to happen so he'll think twice about any future invitations then it will be his decision not to go in the future and there won't be a problem. On the other hand it might go better than expected and you might feel more comfortable/positive about any future occasions. I know how difficult families can be but if you let him decide then at least you won't be in the firing line and you can just support him . Think thats what i'd do anyway... you never know, he might decide not to go?

Thanks for the replies, dh feels very upset by missing the funeral. The flight was at such short notice it cost a lot and we just didn;t have the money. I was happy for him to go but he really felt his mother didn't want him threr for whatever reason and he didn't feel able to ask her why. They aren't close, if he weren't with me I doubt they'd speak very often.

If I'm honest I find them odd. For example, we were all waiting for the result of sil's MS test and I was talking about it with MIL at ds 1's Christening. She then said, oh we know, she has it, we found out 2 weeks ago...
Dh then felt he wanted to talk to SIL about it but it was his son's Christening.

I think if it didn't involve 3 plane tickets, and a couple of nights in a hotel (oh, we have been told that ds 1 can stay at the house but we can't -no way is that happening) I would feel better but dh doesn't get much hoilday as he's self employed adn I feel this wouldn't be the best family hoilday we've ever had

I wouldn't go TBH not the way they were over his grandparents deaths. if it really means that much to your DH let him go on his own.

The other thing that I'm upset about is both my brothers have emigrated to Canada, the 1st 4 years ago adn the 2nd 2 years ago and we haven't been over at all to see them and I am very close to my middle brother and miss him desperately. I haven't met my other brothers daughter who will be 2 in Oct of this year. We can't do both and I do begrudge going to dh's family 'do'. I know I'm selfish, and I will support whatever decision he makes as I love him to bits but it's another year I don't get to see my family. Both my brothers have come back over to England since they've been away and SIL even made a special journey to see us late on the sun night to see us for a couple of hrs before flying back the following day.

hmmm, it's a tricky one. DH has an, erm, unusual family in australia and where they're concerned i take the lead from him. if he wants to go/ wants me there then i'll do it. even if there was a language barrier, i'd still go. there's just a weirdness barrier in our case i really don't care what they think of me or say about me so i'm quite happy to go with the flow, no emotional involvement, really.

however, you are not me and it sounds as thuogh there's some history there. could you soften the blow my making a holiday of it?

from what you've said about the offhand way they have acted up till now, I wouldn't be dead keen to go.

However, I suppose if you did go and meet them in person, even if you cannot talk to them, you might get a clear feeling one way or the other about whether they're decent nice people you want in your lifes or not. At teh moment you just don't know where you are with them all , do you?

that's liVes of course!

i feel really sorry for you, as navigating through the minefield of relatives can be a nightmare. I would see what else there was around this place to do, to try and turn it into a bit of a family holiday. That way you could try and see it as more than just a family party. I know it costs more money, but staying in a hotel could be a blessing in disguise, as you could escape there with your DCs if the party all got too much (using them as an excuse to leave - bad I know, but sometimes necessary).
If you do decide to go i would talk to your DH about it being a bit of an experiment, and not something you would necessary want to do again. I have to say, a 50th birthday party is not my idea of a 'must go to' event, not like a wedding or a funeral, so its a shame the rellies didn't come to your wedding or help your DH to make his grandma's funeral