Was I wrong to say this to my mum?

Sunlightrain · 2023-12-28T14:57:59+00:00

My mum lives a 5 minutes drive away and calls into mine every so often unannounced. However due to having small children the place can be messy at times ( never dirty, just their toys etc). She would always criticise my home, put me down etc. I have now told her to call me and let me know before she comes just to ensure it is an appropriate time. This way it gives me time to have a tidy round which I would do before any other guest arrives. However, she still does not let me know when she is coming and again just turns up and pokes her head in other rooms when she thinks I'm not looking and shakes her head in glee and then gives her horrible judgemental comments. So again yesterday she turned up again unannounced, I answered and stood at the door and said it is better to call me first before just turning up. She said fine, shouted hi to the kids through the door and walked away. Did I do the wrong thing?

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/12/2023 15:00

Yeah - you let her in.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 15:00

Mil commented once about the mess... We had 6 dc at the time.. . I told her she knew where the door was and actually had I even invited her over? Suggests dm meets you away from your home as your relationship won't withstand her behaviour much longer...

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 28/12/2023 15:01

Or offer to visit her. Let the dc take a big bag of toys etc over.. And watch her try and keep tidy.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/12/2023 15:01

Oh read it wrong. No. Stand your ground. I hate people just turning up.

mumsytoon · 28/12/2023 15:08

Wow she is so awful. My dm would take one look and get started on helping clean up. I would never ask or expected her to but she is a one in a million mum and would do anything to lighten the load for dh and I. Your mum should not be making you feel worse! So horrible of her. You were right in treating her like this.

ZekeZeke · 28/12/2023 15:09

Just don't answer the door to her.
If you answer the door to her, give her a job to do.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/12/2023 15:10

She probably doesn't like you standing up to her. I'd be making the boundaries that suit you while accepting that it's not a situation you can win. She sounds like a tricky person.

HowToSaveAWife · 28/12/2023 15:15

I'm redecorating at the moment. I've also got two under 3. I'm doing every inch of the refurb by myself.

My DM wouldn't be gleeful or judgemental, but would say how stressful etc like I didn't already know... But wouldn't actually help.

After a few times I said to her is that meant to be helpful?

Anything after that I said it would be nice if you thought of nicer things to say than the criticism.

But if my DM behaved like yours...

She'd be taken by the elbow and escorted out, she can come back when she has an ounce of civility in her head. Snide bitch. YANBU to never let her in again.

FofB · 28/12/2023 15:24

You did the right thing. The only thing you did wrong was not telling her to pipe down when she started making crappy remarks designed to make you feel crap and her feel smug.

Watchkeys · 28/12/2023 15:25

Who do you think sets the boundaries for you between right and wrong?

Original poster

Sunlightrain · 29/12/2023 12:00

Thank you all. I was feeling a bit guilty. I'm not sure why because she was extremely abusive growing up and is still very toxic so I try to keep very low contact as it is.

OP posts:

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 12:07

My dm was the same.. Maybe it's because they look back on their shitty parenting and are trying to relive it better through you and your parenting. Been nc with dm for 20 for her constant criticism of me/my home /my parenting..

Original poster

Sunlightrain · 29/12/2023 12:20

@Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob That's not the case with here unfortunately. She definitely wants the worst for me. She will try to sabotage anything good I have. Therefore I do not tell her anything. She also lies about me and trys to turn people against me. Horrible, horrible woman. Oh and what also use to grate on me is that she couldn't wait to tell other people my bad news but never the good or success,no she would keep that to her self and not tell a sole.

A Shame that it took me until being a mother to truly recognise the extent of her viciousness. It took me a while to create boundaries, sadly. But better late than never. And I've broken the cycle and will never be like her and tbh I think that is what she hates.

OP posts:

horalkamila · 29/12/2023 12:27

She sounds horrible, sorry to say.
I would cut contact with her completely...

Tinseltomato · 29/12/2023 12:34

Yanbu. It's one or the other with visiting family, if you are going to just pop in you accept the home as it is. I mean tbh this should be the case anyway!

I think you need to make it clear to her you don't let her in because she's rude about your home. Don't let her twist it to be about you being wrong.

Rosiem2808 · 29/12/2023 12:35

My daughter works and is a really good mum to my grandson. The last thing I do when I call round to her house is to criticise anything she does. It would not even enter into my head to look for something to make a nasty comment about.
When they went on holiday earlier this year, I got the keys to her house and I looked after the cat. I also cleaned the house from top to bottom for her and I put food in her fridge so that when they came home they didn't have to worry about a thing.
This is what I would have liked to be done for me but I unfortunately had a mother like the OP who criticised everything, probably because she was jealous.. who knows

AuntMarch · 29/12/2023 12:39

My mum has a key for mine as she lives close enough I could walk and collect it if I lose mine. When I gave it her she jokingly said "don't worry, I won't come and just turn up with asking!". It was jokingly because we both think it's incredibly rude, family or not!
Definitely not unreasonable.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2023 12:45

Sunlightrain · 29/12/2023 12:20

@Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob That's not the case with here unfortunately. She definitely wants the worst for me. She will try to sabotage anything good I have. Therefore I do not tell her anything. She also lies about me and trys to turn people against me. Horrible, horrible woman. Oh and what also use to grate on me is that she couldn't wait to tell other people my bad news but never the good or success,no she would keep that to her self and not tell a sole.

A Shame that it took me until being a mother to truly recognise the extent of her viciousness. It took me a while to create boundaries, sadly. But better late than never. And I've broken the cycle and will never be like her and tbh I think that is what she hates.

I don't see the value in keeping her in your life at all

And your children don't need that type of grandmother

ManateeFair · 29/12/2023 12:51

The only thing you’ve done wrong is putting up with her bullshit all this time. Tell her that you are a fucking adult and the state of your house is none of her business and that she can either come round and be nice or not come round at all.

Neriah · 29/12/2023 12:57

My long departed mother - I am now 66 myself - when I was young, gave me some good advice. Well she gave me loads of it. But one that I have always adhered to is that anyone who didn't like the state of my housework is welcome to pick up a duster or leave.

She also told me that I should do the housework unless there is something more important to do - and that there is ALWAYS something more important to do!

Your mother is being rude. Tell her that if she doesn't like the state of your home she can either leave or help, but nasty comments aren't welcome, and neither will she be if she continues in this vein.

AllAboardTootToot · 29/12/2023 13:01

Keep the door locked and buy a ring doorbell!

Purplewarrior · 29/12/2023 13:04

She sounds very like my mother. Her happiest times were when something awful happened to me. If things were going well for me, she would do her best to ruin it.

I have been NC for over ten years now, it’s absolutely blissful.

Tiredandgrumpygrateful · 14/03/2024 19:27

I had a friend who used to say, if you want to see me, come anytime. If you want to inspect the house, make an appointment

SpringSprungALeak · 14/03/2024 19:36

Sunlightrain · 29/12/2023 12:20

@Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob That's not the case with here unfortunately. She definitely wants the worst for me. She will try to sabotage anything good I have. Therefore I do not tell her anything. She also lies about me and trys to turn people against me. Horrible, horrible woman. Oh and what also use to grate on me is that she couldn't wait to tell other people my bad news but never the good or success,no she would keep that to her self and not tell a sole.

A Shame that it took me until being a mother to truly recognise the extent of her viciousness. It took me a while to create boundaries, sadly. But better late than never. And I've broken the cycle and will never be like her and tbh I think that is what she hates.

@Sunlightrain why do you let her in, tidy or not?? She wouldn't ever cross my doorstep again. Nor anywhere near my children.