Emotional affairs

[casualreader2022]

I found my partner (35) had continued a texting conversation with a younger (25) (they struck up convo), attractive woman who shares his passion for acting. This conversation was struck up at the end of their show, they performed opposite each other in a romantic capacity and had a kissing scene.

I called him on his cautious behaviour with his phone and asked to see it (more that I was being insecure and wanted reassurance - he got proper funny and he flipped and said I was being controlling - his reaction told me that he knew he was doing something he shouldn't or which I wouldn't be ok with (and equally a situation I wouldn't put myself in)).

I then found the messages; talking about his gym routine, the show, music, his commute and he even asked about her partner and how supportive he was (he felt I wasn't being supportive at that time). Saying how fantastic the other one was in role etc. He even scrolled to the bit where he was trying to get further relationship details as he knew that that would be unreasonable in my eyes.

This massively oversteps a boundary for me and it's proper knocked my trust in him as he was clearly seeking an emotional outlet in this person (whether romantically charged or not). He says it was just a conversation and validation. I have a rather archaic view that dabbling in conversations like that, is just asking for trouble/it's a fine line and nobody intends to cheat.

Now I'm just a paranoid mess when they have socials and with his phone (he's still guarded with it).

So I suppose my questions are :

1. Why would married men want to meet/chat with extensively online with single/unmarried women, when they know it causes tension on their relationship?

1. How can I get over this feeling? It's horrible.

Doesn't sound like an emotional affair to me?

I agree, but I think it's the chatting to that excess and trying to get validation, picking holes in her relationship (or at least asking with a leading question about it to share), I feel is inappropriate and only really goes one way...

He has friends (male and female), he's close with family. He didn't need to be teaching out to this person in that capacity... Surely it only starts trouble?

What did he ask about her relationship?

I think it's more, I know I've overread into the situation as I know I'm feeling vulnerable in our relationship at the moment and it definitely hit on some prior experiences with an ex. So it's more a post of, why would a married man do that and also how do I distract or move myself past this view?

I don't think it's healthy, nor fun for me...

First of all don't compare him to an ex. If my DH asked to see my texts it would be game over for us. There's nothing at all in there that he can't see but we trust each other. If there's no trust there's no point. Conversations with a work friend in my opinion are ok, as long as that's all they are. Sometimes people get along really well, it doesn't always mean more. But if you're accusing him and causing issues because of your insecurity then he could have been asking is her partner like that too?