To feel very confused?

[lopertee]

I have been seeing a guy for the past three months. However, it has been going really slow due to him only wanting to go on a date once every two weeks. He is not married or attached as he is friends with my cousin and brother so I know that. During this three months we have been in touch daily, really fun conversations. We've spoke about a whole host of topics ranging from serious to jokes. We have had sex and it's been good. However, for some reason I have been unable to understand, a-lot of the past three months I have been filled with anxiety and insecurities.

I am booked in for counselling next week as I have decided that 2024 I'm really going to invest in my mental health and I have unprocessed childhood trauma I must deal with. However, this anxiety and insecurity has impacted my behaviour and when I overthink, I become unhinged to be quite honest. Last night I let my feelings get the better of me.

This morning he voice noted me to say he can't continue seeing me due to my behaviour. He thinks we are incompatible as I want to see him more that once every two weeks and he really needs his own space. He says he thinks I'm great, attractive, and he says he's never met someone with the same sense of humour as me but he can't tolerate my outbursts. I replied saying I understand, I apologise for my behaviour and I think he is right, we are not compatible, I need to work on myself and for him to take care. I expected it to be left at that.

He then began voice noting, asking about my issues and saying he was just trying to understand and did I want to speak to him about my last etc? I replied answering his questions, thanked him for his offer but declined saying I would prefer to speak to a professional regarding this. Once again I said it has been lovely chatting and getting to know you.

He then voice noted me and said that he's still going to talk to me, hes not just going to delete and block like most men. He then said he wasn't saying we wouldn't ever see each other again but he agrees that I need to sort myself out.

I'm now left feeling very confused. How did it go from we are not compatible and I don't want to see you again to let's continue talking and perhaps see each other on the basis that I sort my issues out. Which let me tell you, are not going to be sorted by one therapy session.

I just don't know what to think now?

He wants you as an option for sex, that's all.

He says he still wants to talk daily...what's the point? What's he getting out of that?

He was expecting you to grovel, you didn’t so now he’s backtracking

He's throwing you breadcrumbs. You're obviously not happy with seeing him once every two weeks and I don't think many people would be. He wasn't expecting you to respect his decision, so he back tracked. I'd leave him be.

Dopamine hit from your jokes and chat

Enjoying hearing from you but in a limited manner

Lying but thinks it's what you want to hear to keep you as aforementioned sex option

Being mysterious to keep him as the focus of your attentions rather than yourself

Something else??

Honestly, don't waste your time trying to psychoanalyse what he wants.

You would like to spend some time working and focusing on yourself. That's great. Go and do that.

Do NOT feel obliged to dance to his tune and keep in contact with him as he prefers. It sounds like someone you've been seeing with limitations for 3 months coinciding with your poor mental health may, in fact, not be a coincidence.

Chuck this one back in the sea and focus on yourself for a bit.

he will never commit but wants to keep you for sex.

please block him and move on or your mental health will suffer

how old is he?

Preserve all of your energy for yourself and your therapy sessions.

Don’t waste even one tiny scrap of it continuing to talk to this man or trying to work out what he wants or means.

He expected you to grovel, beg, backtrack and agree to continue with the fortnightly meet-ups and contact entirely on his terms - and you didn’t. Good for you!

He potentially wasn't expecting you to be so reasonable, and that has set him off thinking.

He has said a lot of things that indicate he thinks a lot of you, but as you said he can't handle your outbursts. You have then gone on to immediately apologise and tell him you're getting help, with no expectation from him to keep seeing you.

Perhaps he is thinking that if you are working on yourself then keeping in contact with you will allow him to pick up the relationship on his terms, and you will eventually work on yourself enough that these outbursts will no longer be an issue and you will find yourselves more 'compatible'.

However, outbursts or no, are you going to be happy seeing him every two weeks? If not, reiterate that and then do whatever you need to do to move on. If that's no contact then great, if you can remain friends and text here and there then that's cool too.

The one thing I wouldn't do is carry on texting every day, it's keeping that door open to a relationship where both parties have things to work on, but you're the only one that actually recognises that.

Well done you on so many fronts! Recognising you're not right for each other, committing to working on yourself, and having a mature conversation with this man about ending the relationship. You've done so much that is admirable. His behaviour is weird and unhelpful but you can't control that. Just tell him you don't want to stay in touch (while it's generally pointless trying to fathom other people's motivations in these situations, I do agree with others that he wants to keep you on the shelf for occasional ego boosts) and sail into 2024 serenely!

Thank you everyone. I actually felt quite relieved and thought it was the correct decision but then he confused me with the way he went about it.

Echo what all the pp have said.

To me it reads like he expected you to apologise and do the "pick me" script, so he gets the amount of interaction and sex that he wants from you, entirely on his terms and without having to do anything different to how he is now.

Instead, maturely and sensibly, you said "ok, yes, I agree we're not compatible", forcing him to go "oh shit, I didn't want her to actually agree to that" and backtrack.

Since he's already showing signs of (actively trying to) mess with your head, I would recommend saying something like "I'm taking this time to focus on me, so please don't contact me anymore, but we might see each other around socially in future" (if that's true, given he knows your family) and then leave it (but I'm not a fan of blocking people). If he didn't respect that message, I would then block.

All the best, sounds like you have a great plan for 2024!

Two options here-

Either he's a bit of dick and he was messing you about and when you called him out on he tried to put you in your place by threatening to end things. Which backfired because instead of grovelling to him you agreed to end things.

Or he's a decent guy and didn't care for your reactions so decided to end things. When you apologised, agreed and said you would be accessing counselling he considered leaving the door open as he genuinely likes you.

I'd have a think about his intentions. For me the fact that he was keeping you at arms length this way and it's impacting on your mental health and esteem suggests he's not the right person for you.
And he doesn't seem willing to compromise or be open to talking about where your relationship is going.

That would massively put me off as I would not want to be in a relationship where one person is calling the shots, would he always want to make these decisions? Would you never get a say in your relationship?

I also wonder if you had esteem issues before you met this guy? Could it be he's the reason you are insecure? Definitely access counselling because it can also help with your bullshit monitor.

Based on your timings, it does seem a bit like the insecurities and anxieties have been triggered by this relationship. Not surprising really if someone is only willing to see you every 2 weeks. He isn't interested in a relationship at all (and it sounds like you want more). As others have said, seems like he wants to keep you on standby as an occasional shag, but nothing more. I think you should probably cut ties completely and get yourself in a better place (like you originally planned before he thought he'd continue stringing you along)

He wanted you to beg for him back and he’s put out that you recognise the incompatibility and want to prioritise your own well-being. He’s now hoping to dial back his initial position so that he can still have you on hand for fun conversations and sex when convenient, without any promise of commitment or reliability.

He’s not putting you first or showing you much care. I would personally not pursue much further communication.

He mentioned your outbursts. What where they?

What exactly happened between you both? From what you've written so far I really don't like the sound of him, he seems manipulative.