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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at my DH for ruining my Christmas?

27 replies

juraandme · 27/12/2023 22:51

short version: Christmas Eve argument with DH ends in him telling me he doesn’t want to do this anymore and that we aren’t working. Then on Christmas Day wondered why I wouldn’t speak to him or try to sort things out.

long version: Christmas Eve we spent the afternoon at my in-laws as we weren’t seeing that side of the family on Christmas Day. DH said he was happy to build the toys that needed built for Christmas Day once we got home which was great.

fast forward to the drive home and DH is absolutely mortal. He can’t keep his head up in the car and takes his seatbelt off 5 times while on the motorway claiming “we are home,” and I am getting more and more annoyed. Get home, two kids put to bed and I go downstairs to find he has broken DD new bike while putting it together and states he cannot build the doll house or toy shop (too drunk) so I have to do it.

We have a monumental argument after I have spent 2 hours building the toys that he promised to build, during which he states he is over us and no longer wants to do this. He tells me things aren’t working and I obviously feel the same and he is going to sleep in our campervan. He doesn’t go in the end but the conversation basically ends with me under the impression that we are done.

It basically all boils down to me not feeling like having sex as much as he does. I am 6 months postpartum, not yet feeling like myself and not yet enjoying my new body. We are in the process of selling a house that has fallen through 4 times and has been ongoing for over a year, and moved house 7 months ago. The stress and anxiety of the house falling through and still moving has been mega. Money is tight and I had to RTW after 5 months when I had planned on taking a full
year.

I feel like I am justified in not “being in the mood” constantly as he seems to be. He thinks we aren’t working as we aren’t having sex and things aren’t all sunshine and rainbows yet.

I spent all of Christmas Day with a fake smile trying to make it a magical day for my DC and have spent the last few days wondering if I’m being unreasonable to still be in an awful mood with him?

AIBU to still be angry that he ruined my Christmas?

OP posts:
Vgbeat · 27/12/2023 23:04

No not unreasonable at all. He can't throw statements like that about and then think everything is fine.

XelaM · 27/12/2023 23:06

I didn't understand the motorway bit - was he drink driving? If so, you're crazy to put yours and yours kids' lives at risk. I may have misunderstood though? As for building toys - did they really need to be built in advance? Could be built with the kids on Christmas day.

But he sounds awful so you're probably not unreasonable.

SnowRoomAtTheInn · 27/12/2023 23:07

Does he have a drink problem? That whole scenario sounds like he was blind drunk and acting like a drunken arse.

DappledThings · 27/12/2023 23:08

I didn't understand the motorway bit - was he drink driving
He was the passenger and OP was driving surely.

Peoplemakemedespair · 27/12/2023 23:09

XelaM · 27/12/2023 23:06

I didn't understand the motorway bit - was he drink driving? If so, you're crazy to put yours and yours kids' lives at risk. I may have misunderstood though? As for building toys - did they really need to be built in advance? Could be built with the kids on Christmas day.

But he sounds awful so you're probably not unreasonable.

Presumably the op was driving. And children like to come down to presents they can play with straight away. And most parents like to spend Xmas day having fun with their families. Not spending all morning building toys because they were too wasted to do it the night before

PringPring · 27/12/2023 23:09

The motorway thing it sounds like even as a passenger he was a huge danger.

WindowsSmindows · 27/12/2023 23:10

You're focusing on the wrong things in my opinion
He couldn't possibly have meant it nor could he remember it, that's why he's acting like he didn't say it.
So now to the real issue -
Is your husband an alcoholic?
How else can he explain as the father of young children getting so drunk on Christmas Eve that he puts all his family in serious danger?????

mottytotty · 27/12/2023 23:14

WindowsSmindows · 27/12/2023 23:10

You're focusing on the wrong things in my opinion
He couldn't possibly have meant it nor could he remember it, that's why he's acting like he didn't say it.
So now to the real issue -
Is your husband an alcoholic?
How else can he explain as the father of young children getting so drunk on Christmas Eve that he puts all his family in serious danger?????

Of course he remembers it. Why are you making excuses for him?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 27/12/2023 23:14

I think I agree with him. You are done.
You deserve far better than this loser.
Time to start getting your ducks in a row....you donr need him.

BigandBeefy · 27/12/2023 23:14

I think when he it became clear he was pissed he should have just gone to bed. It was a recipe for disaster trying to put stuff together while drunk. I would have put the whole thing on the shelf until after Christmas day and then spoken about it on Boxing day. It sounds like things have stressful of late and resentment has built up in both of you and it came out in an ugly way when he was drunk. A calm, open conversation is needed. Ending a marriage after a single drunken conversation is just daft. Being angry solves nothing, all it does it make you feel bad and cause tension in the home. Carve out a time to talk things through.

TitusMoan · 27/12/2023 23:17

Don’t argue with drunks. Don’t be married to them either. That must have been awful for you in the car.

Original poster
juraandme · 27/12/2023 23:17

Sorry, I was driving. I didn’t realise he had drank so much as we were busy all day and it wasn’t until we got in the car that I realised he was as drunk! He goes through phases of drinking quite a lot while he is off work sometimes, and then eventually sickens himself and will have a few months of no whisky at all. When he is given a bottle of whisky he will drink 3/4 in one go.

There were 3 presents to be built, as others wrapped went along with them. DC are too young to build them themselves, 3yo and 6 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
juraandme · 27/12/2023 23:21

I spoke to MIL about it all today and I built myself up to talk about things tonight but honestly I couldn’t face the discussion and went to bed soon after DC. I have since lay awake wondering what I’m going to do.

He asked could we fix things, and I said I hoped so, but honestly I’m not really sure how to get over hearing him say that he was finished with us.

i can’t get the words out of my head and the thought that if I didn’t say anything he would have spent the night outside in a van and missed our DC waking up on Christmas morning.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 27/12/2023 23:31

People who drink as much as your DH drinks never take responsibility for their words or actions while drunk. His words broke something in your marriage just like he broke the bicycle when imagining he was building it.

I wouldn’t bother arguing with him or discussing it. I’d just get ready to leave him. He will either get scared straight or continue drinking himself to death. But there is no point negotiating with him about anything. A drunk never acts in good faith.

CuriousGeorge80 · 27/12/2023 23:32

I couldn’t be married to somebody who gets so drunk on Christmas Eve with their family that they can’t keep their promises and try to get out of the car (must be terrifying for your 3yo). The sex stuff is just more on top, and the argument even worse. He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

UsingChangeofName · 28/12/2023 00:10

Until he admits he has a drink problem, and chooses himself to try to get himself sorted out, then you won't be getting anything from this relationship and you would be better keeping the dc away from seeing him in that state.

Awful to have to contemplate being a single parent, with 2 such young dc and the stressful year you have had, but a whole heap easier than trying to protect them from a man living in the same house who cannot control his drinking.

Starzinsky · 28/12/2023 01:10

Not sure I understand why the toys had to be built in advance of Christmas. Seems like added stress.

Babymamamama · 28/12/2023 01:34

I think YWBU to get anyone who is mortal drunk to put together toys. But seems you have a bigger problem than just this. Why would anyone get so “mortal” visiting their parents. It all seems so odd. Isn’t he even embarrassed at his behaviour? Is this normal for him?

schmuzz · 29/12/2023 10:07

CuriousGeorge80 · 27/12/2023 23:32

I couldn’t be married to somebody who gets so drunk on Christmas Eve with their family that they can’t keep their promises and try to get out of the car (must be terrifying for your 3yo). The sex stuff is just more on top, and the argument even worse. He sounds like an absolute waste of space.

Agree. Can't think of a single reason why you'd want to have sex with him tbh. Sounds like another child to look after.

Santaisscouringindeedfornewjob · 29/12/2023 10:12

My exh ws a drunk.. His dc came a sorry third or forth. I didn't even figure at all. I reported him for drink driving and filed for divorce. In your shoes he needs to choose. Drink or his family..

SavBlancTonight · 29/12/2023 10:14

It sounds to me like your h is all about him. He wants lots of sex so he is all sad because you aren't magical up for it (I guess he also never got the memo that making.your wife feel good is probably the best way to actually have more sex).

In the unlikely event that either me or dh got so blind drunk that we were a danger in the car and then broke the dc's toys... there would be huge apologies and attempts to make up for it the next day.

Basically he seems to think he can do or say whatever he likes with no consequences.

CrotchetyQuaver · 29/12/2023 10:22

He needs to work out his priorities, the drinking or his young family.

I don't think YABU about any of it. Would counselling help, he sounds very selfish

RandomButtons · 29/12/2023 10:31

He was so drunk he was trying to get out of the car driving down the motorway? That must have been terrifying.

CupofTeaNoSugar2 · 29/12/2023 10:33

Speaking from experience, none of this will be tackled until the drinking is tackled. It doesn't matter that it was Christmas / world cup final / his birthday, he had responsibilities to his family and he was too pissed to follow through. No wonder you don't want to sleep eith him ! I've been there... no point in discussing anything with a drunk person. Mind yourself and remember you are not in the wrong x

CupofTeaNoSugar2 · 29/12/2023 10:35

Starzinsky · 28/12/2023 01:10

Not sure I understand why the toys had to be built in advance of Christmas. Seems like added stress.

You want a 3 year old to come down to a boxed bicycle, hours away from use ? Magical!