Am I the asshole here?!

[FG19473]

I honestly don’t know whether I’m the asshole here, but here we go…

I have a two and a half year old. His grandad (my dad) has always, always wanted a grandchild… he went on and on for years about how excited he was for me to have a child. So, I get pregnant with my partner, who admittedly he didn’t know very well at the time (we met during lockdown and got pregnant after 6 months of knowing each other) they met a few times before that but he didn’t seem massively enthusiastic about him (I should point out my partner is an incredible man, supportive, honest, kind… would do absolutely anything for me and his son)

My dad has seen him a handful of times since he was born and he lives 20 minutes away. There’s been on average, 6 months between visits at a time.

Here’s where I wonder if I’m to blame. He showed up unannounced one day, I let him in and we had a great time. As he is leaving I tell him how amazing it was to see him and that he’s welcome any time, but please let us know beforehand as I work random days/times and I’m one of those annoying types who likes to make sure the house is clean for guests. The following week he shows up again, unannounced. I’m having the day from hell. Child hasn’t slept, I haven’t slept, House is a shit hole and I have to run out to work for the afternoon. I ask my dad to leave, I’ll be honest, I was blunt about it and explained the day I was having and that I had to go to work.

Other than one phone call while I was on a very rare (literally the only) night away without my child, I haven’t heard from him since. I messaged him Christmas Day to say Happy Christmas and I love you. He hasn’t looked at the message let alone said happy Christmas to his grandchild.

I don’t understand what I’ve done other than being a blunt cow while in the throes of the terrible twos stresses (and I’m not a blunt person at all… usually) I know he was massively fond of my ex, despite everything he did wrong in our relationship and wishes we didn’t end. But surely you can’t allow that to cloud your judgement of a new relationship (a really healthy and happy relationship) and ruin a relationship with your only grandchild.

I’m so sad as we used to have such an incredible relationship and I was beyond excited to give him his first grandchild, but now I’m wondering if my son would be better off without the dipping in and out of his life… although I feel like that choice has been taken out of my hands anyway.

Have you talked to him about it?

How often do you take your DC to visit your dad?

Unfortunately my dad isn’t in the situation for me to take my son to his. But I have suggested plenty of times to meet for lunch/go into town/him to come to ours for the night and stay over.

It's unfortunate that it went the way it did. Parents usually don't care if your house is untidy. Some are getting use to the rules of having to phone beforehand. It would save him a journey if he rang and you had to go to work.

Just on a side note, have you tried contacting him again since the unread message on Christmas day? Or has anyone you know seen him.

I'm reading that thinking it sounds like you both need to make more effort.

Go and speak to him. You might not have meant to be blunt but he may not know that.

Sounds like you are similar in that you don’t communicate your feelings.

If my child chucked me out like that I'd be upset and would probably wait to be contacted.

@CurlewKate Ive contacted him several times since. Invited him round, suggested days out.

@Gnomegnomegnome You’re not wrong, I shy away from confrontation and don’t want to make him feel shit while communicating how I feel as I know he will take it personally. I just don’t know how to go about telling him how I feel without making him feel like I’m attacking him.

@Wendysfriend I haven’t, but will now. He has cut contact with my sister also and I’m worried he is just disconnecting with everyone at this point 😞

Have you actually apologised? Given you say you were blunt (which means you were probably really rude) and you aren’t normally a blunt person, then he probably needs a big apology and explanation. He is unlikely to spontaneously contact you given how you were when he last visited.

@CurlewKate I also didn’t “chuck him out”

I’d asked him previously to let me know when he was free to come over so I could make sure I wasn’t working. I can’t just change my entire working day to suit someone showing up out of the blue. All it takes is a text to ask if you’re free for a visit 🤷🏻‍♀️

@TheSnowyOwl I did apologise, yes. Almost immediately after, explaining the day we had had, that I had to go to work and that he was welcome anytime but just to text first to make sure we were all home.

@FG19473 sounds like you should be telling your dad this, not us eh? If you want some courage and support from this forum then I would like to let you know that it's really ok to snap and be 'an asshole' when sleep deprivation destroys our brain and emotional filters. While you're blaming yourself, he's probably blaming himself too and hasn't got the faintest clue how to deal with it.
Tell him you miss and love him if that's what you feel. You're sorry for being grumpy and would appreciate the support and strength he could give. Most of us need a positive attitude to help us through the negative crap. You sound like someone who's caring and understanding, and could encourage the kindness you deserve back.

As you say he seems to be cutting off from your sister as well, so there may be something bigger going on In his life. I think for the moment be the bigger person putting the past stuff aside for just a moment and tell him how much you miss him and would love to spend more time together. And just one thing, don't do it by text. Call him and speak to him or go and see him. Then at least if it does continue to fail you will know you did all you could to reconnect with him and keep him in yours and your son's life. Sometimes all it needs is better communication and text just isn't going to salvage so e situations.

It sounds like there is more going on here that has nothing to do with you or what your DF thinks of your DP. YANBU to expect him to respect your request to check in before turning up on the doorstep, and it sounds like being blunt for you probably just means you told him straight that you had work so he couldn’t stay. It sounds like he expects the relationship with you and your DC to be entirely on his terms, and potentially the same with your DSis. Has he always been like that?

@Muddays and @MaryHinges Thank you both for your replies. You’re both completely right. I’ve told him I miss him, and his grandson misses him. I know he’s the type who keeps to himself and often when he’s come round he’s told me things that have happened that I haven’t known about, which makes me sad as I wish he would share more. I hope there’s not more to it and he is just pissed off with me. Things have changed dramatically in our lives over the past few years, but I’ve always tried to show I’m there for him. I’m working the next few days but will try calling him, hopefully he answers.

@OurfriendsintheNE Thank you for your reply. In all honesty, blunt for me in this situation was fighting back tears after a particularly difficult day and a struggle to get my son in and out the bath, knowing I had to leave for work (you know when you’re sweaty and exhausted from wrestling a two year old) I tried to be polite, but I just wanted the heads up he was coming round. I don’t even mind if he messages when he’s leaving the house, as long as I know.

You may have been blunt but I find it extremely weird to go round to someone's house without asking first?! Particularly a second time, when they have already told you to ask first?!

It also seems like by "being blunt" you were merely expressing your boundaries and telling him what they are. Which for someone who isn't used to doing that, may feel like bluntness?

You sound like a nice person OP. I hope your DH makes more of an effort but it sounds like there’s not an awful lot more you can do, he has to meet you half way.

If he's not reading your messages or taking your calls then I'd go and visit him. There's clearly something going on.

If my parent wasn't answering any form of communication, from my sibling or myself, I wouldn't be messing around with calling them and 'hoping they answer', I would have been round there in a heartbeat.