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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wanting to do Christmas without the in-laws?

27 replies

vanillafudgecake · 27/12/2023 15:41

Aibu to want to spend Christmas as just me, DH and DC?

We have always spent Christmas with DH family, either hosting them and they stay with us for a few nights or we go and stay with DH family as we are a good 3 hour plus drive away from each other.

DH is an only child and we have always spent Christmas with his family but now we have our own DC we want to do our own thing and possibly look at going away at Christmas either skiing or somewhere hot for a change and possibly continue this on alternate years.

I feel guilty and selfish wanting to do our thing and have our own time together but on the other hand I feel that DH family have had their time of having their own family christmases when DH was young and don't really get to dictate on doing it all again with DGC....I feel it's our time now to do as we please.

They are also ageing and not as able as they used to be which means when we are with them we are very limited on what we can do.

For example we have just hosted Christmas and our DC had to hang around all morning until they got out of bed and got ready to open presents etc. This resulted in us eating breakfast at different times, the DC getting grumpy, DH family didn't see the problem and fail to fit into our schedule in whatever we do with them.

DH is on board with doing our own thing, just concerned at the awkwardness of telling them next year!

OP posts:
StmMary · 27/12/2023 16:00

We're older parents and would be very happy for our kids and their husbands and kids. To do what they want.
If they want to go away or spend it on their owns with kids.
Then that's fine with us.
This year all the kids and grand kids did their own things.
We saw em for a couple of hours on Xmas eve and we loved it.
Christmas day boxing day we were 2 happy bunnies.
You might find they are like us and very happy to let go... As much as they love you all.. They'll be very understanding. They might say thank fuck haha

sweatband · 27/12/2023 16:38

Cut the ties to it now before you start to really resent it, this year was our first year of being home with no travel, no guests etc, it was wonderfully relaxing

PriOn1 · 27/12/2023 16:43

I think you should go for it. There are two of them, so neither will be alone for Christmas at the moment, so seize this time while your children are young enough to still enjoy it uncomplicatedly.

rookiemere · 27/12/2023 16:45

Better being away now when they are physically able to make other plans, than when they are too old to do so.

Gymmum82 · 27/12/2023 16:47

If your parents were around (you don’t say if they are) then you would presumably alternate xmas’ anyway. So I think alternating your own and with them is a fine compromise

baubl · 27/12/2023 17:05

Mention it and set the ball rolling now, otherwise you'll be tied into this tradition forever.

There's nothing to stop you spending one of the weekends before or after Christmas with them, we do that with MIL.

FWIW I have adult dc and it wouldn't bother me at all if they wanted to do something different at Christmas, in fact one of them is away this year and I'm just happy to see them having fun.

NancyJoan · 27/12/2023 17:07

Booking a holiday over Christmas is a far easier way to introduce the idea to them than just staying at home and not inviting them. Start talking about it now, and then get it booked!

PBandJ111 · 27/12/2023 17:08

Go for it. Do something that suits your family. You’ve only got limited number of years with your kids and if you’re having to panda to in-laws all the time that’s quite dull and doesn’t give them fond memories of fun Christmas’s .

Ginnnny · 27/12/2023 17:19

I can’t stand my in laws. My DP respects that and understands why. Our set up is that he takes our two girls to see them on Boxing Day for lunch while I have a couple of hours to myself after all the stress leading to Christmas Day.
it’s perfectly acceptable nowadays to do what you want rather than appeasing others. Book a holiday, tell your in laws it was your present to each other so that might ease the awkwardness of telling them?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 17:27

Def make the most of it. DH might feel differently when one is on their own - I meant they might be very young grandparents at 50 so less of a issue re the kids, or they could be in their 80s and it's Def worth thinking about

TeaGinandFags · 27/12/2023 17:29

Start dropping hints about going on holiday over the festive season so they get used to the idea.

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 27/12/2023 17:34

I don’t understand why you make your dc wait for the grandparents to get up to open their presents. If the grandparents want to see him open presents, they get up or you put their presents to one side and let your DS open everything else.

AnnaMagnani · 27/12/2023 17:37

It's normal to alternate between each set of parents, or do a 3 yr schedule of ILs, your parents, your house.

Just make sure you tell them in good time - booking a holiday sounds lovely and a way to break the cycle.

Createausername1970 · 27/12/2023 17:37

Get this Christmas and NY out the way, then tell them you are planning on going away for Xmas next year. They will have 10/11 months to get used to it and think about what they want to do. Don't tell them in November.

PlanningTowns · 27/12/2023 17:51

As an only child I understand the guilt of not spending it with them, but after an awful Christmas a few years ago we stopped and now have Christmas just us. It’s bliss! We can do, eat, watch and wear what we like and when we like it. We do t alternate but do see family after Christmas Day.

means our dd gets to play with her toys and have a relaxed day. We love it and wouldn’t have it any other way!!!

Frazzledatfifty · 27/12/2023 17:58

I used to feel a bit like this… I am an only child, my DH lost his parents when he was young. We always spent Xmas with my parents - they loved it, I craved something different. So we did have a few Xmas trips away - skiing, holidays with friends. My parents were always happy for us to go, never made us feel guilty, but I know those Xmas’s weren’t so happy for them… Then we lost them both very quickly - a few years ago… gosh how we miss them at Xmas now! Our fam is small, and now every year we either go away with our uni age DCs, or we all spend Xmas with friends… what I always craved doing, and we always have a happy time, but we do miss my parents terribly. I think what I am saying is - if you are desperate for a xmas doing something different then do it, am
sure your in-laws won’t mind if they are nice people. But bear in mind that they won’t be around forever, and there will be plenty of Xmas’s without them when they have gone… so don’t spend too many away from them now - you and they will treasure the memories!

tokesqueen · 27/12/2023 18:11

You're no more selfish than them if they expect you to be tied every Xmas in the prime of your life because of they who are nearing the end of theirs.
Not a bad idea to set a precedent either going forward, that their presence doesn't dictate life's major events.
You're in such a small window. Don't waste it. There may be plenty of Xmas left to come (not guaranteed) but not whilst your DC are little.
If they are decent parents they'll understand. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know about them as people.

sweatband · 27/12/2023 18:13

tokesqueen · 27/12/2023 18:11

You're no more selfish than them if they expect you to be tied every Xmas in the prime of your life because of they who are nearing the end of theirs.
Not a bad idea to set a precedent either going forward, that their presence doesn't dictate life's major events.
You're in such a small window. Don't waste it. There may be plenty of Xmas left to come (not guaranteed) but not whilst your DC are little.
If they are decent parents they'll understand. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know about them as people.

This is supremely sage advice

LlynTegid · 27/12/2023 18:13

Go for New Year instead perhaps?

Newuser75 · 27/12/2023 18:17

How would this work if one of the In laws was alone? Would it be selfish then to go away and leave them alone for Xmas?

WithIcePlease · 27/12/2023 18:18

It sounds like you'd actually like Christmas in your own home. It feels a bit like kicking the can down the road to tell them you may go on holiday this year as they'll expect back to the old routine next year

Cornishclio · 27/12/2023 18:22

You need to set precedents now. Tell them you will be doing Christmas on your own next year. I don't understand why you made your DC wait until they got up to have their presents. If they don't get up at a reasonable time they have to accept they miss out. I would not have Christmas every year with one side of the family. We used to alternate as does my DD now. What about your family?

ginasevern · 27/12/2023 18:25

You are not selfish at all. Just tell them you would like your own Christmases. They are a couple, so they won't be alone. There will come a time though then this will be the case (one of them is widowed), so make the most of it while you can. You don't mention your own family?

Original poster
vanillafudgecake · 27/12/2023 19:46

Thanks for being so reassuring everyone.

The in-laws are not getting any younger and as some of you pointed out when we lose one we wouldn't be able to leave the other alone....and they are in their 80s already!

I don't think it will go down very well wanting to do things without them, the MIL is a bit all consuming about most life events/get togethers - birthdays, Mother's Day, Christmas, Easter etc....it's a bit much really and over the years we have cut ties on most of these outside of Christmas so this will be a tough one.

Sadly my parents aren't around anymore which makes this decision harder as I know first hand how precious the time is but at the same time want to create our own family traditions whilst the DC are still young.

And to answer those who mentioned why make the DC wait for the grandparents before opening presents....this is an example of what we have to encounter, we did actually end up opening a few but it was very much frowned upon and we were made to feel guilty for doing so....in our own home🙄

One of the many reasons I would like us to go it alone and do things our own way with no pressure

OP posts:
tokesqueen · 28/12/2023 07:44

The red flags are there.
Why are they in charge?
As someone several years down the line and who was in exactly the same circumstance, I implore you to do what you want and ignore any disapproval. Just ignore it.
You won't get any thanks for doing otherwise and the expectations will only ramp up massively as get older and frailer.
We see PIL in a different light now. It's not pleasant.
I hope I never do that to my DC.