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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go No Contact with a toxic sibling?

17 replies

thenarcissistssister · 27/12/2023 15:29

My older sibling was a nasty bully as a child and decades of adulthood have not improved him. Now married with children and a responsible job, he remains every bit as unpleasant as he was when we were growing up.

A few years ago, after a particularly horrible incident when he openly mocked and sneered at one of my children, I decided to cut him out of my life.

After that, I didn't visit my DP if my brother was there, and my parents respected my wishes and told him not to visit them if I was already planning to visit. (Neither of us live locally to parents so visits are planned in advance). He kicked up a huge fuss about this and sometimes turned up anyway (I immediately left when that happened).

He has not accepted that I want nothing to do with him and his family and has continued to send emails texts etc. Usually, the pretext is birthday greetings for my DC (whom he never showed anything but competitive scorn or disinterest towards) or some pretext about how we 'had' to communicate to discuss future care arrangements for DM (who is in perfect health for her age). When I blocked him and told him to stop contacting me, he started contacting my DH, who also ignores/ blocks etc.

This Christmas, it was his turn to visit DM (my father recently passed away).
My mother later told me that he spent much of the visit hassling her about the fact that I won't talk to them. DM then said it was a shame we couldn't get along etc for her sake. The thing is, DM is very elderly and seemingly suddenly forgetting the reasons why I went NC in the first place, which she previously understood and supported.

My brother was extremely aggressive and even violent on many occasions (including as an adult in the years leading to me going NC, as well as in childhood). I feel so much happier with them out of my life. I have another sibling who I have a good relationship with. This other sibling can tolerate the bullying brother for short periods but is not close to them.

I know that if I resumed any sort of contact with my brother, the nastiness and bullying would continue - they have clearly not changed. For the sake of my mental health, I am 100% convinced I have done the right thing in cutting them out. But it makes me feel so guilty when my DM says these things about the family being fractured and the impact on her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 27/12/2023 15:33

Did one of you not attend your father's funeral?

Original poster
thenarcissistssister · 27/12/2023 15:38

Ponoka7 · 27/12/2023 15:33

Did one of you not attend your father's funeral?

We were both there. But I avoided him as much as possible

OP posts:
Lalalanding · 27/12/2023 15:42

You have done this for a reason. It does not look like anything has changed to give you a reason to change your decision. People like your brother always try to manipulate others to make themselves feel like victims of a situation they caused.

Hatty65 · 27/12/2023 15:50

I am NC with one of my siblings and have been for roughly 3 or 4 years after a lifetime of appalling behaviour from her. My DM makes little digs about it, 'Oh it's SUCH a pity you've cut your dear sister off. She's distraught, etc."

If feeling tolerant I ignore and make a non committal noise and change the subject. If feeling goaded I have on occasional said things like, 'Why would you raise this subject? You know perfectly well why I don't want contact with her. It's not something I'm prepared to discuss and if you mention her again I'll just leave, ok?"

I did once get the sad shake of the head and the quavery voice saying, 'I don't know what will happen at my funeral. Will all my daughters be there?,' and was cross enough to snap 'It won't affect you, Ma. You'll be dead and past caring'.

I am generally painted as the villain of the piece as sibling is the toxic golden child. I don't particularly care. I find life so much better without her in it and have no intention of ever having contact again.

Nagado · 27/12/2023 16:14

I think he’s probably stepped up his nagging and whining with your mum because it’s easier to get a single elderly lady who just wants some peace & quiet, to agree with you than it is to get a slightly younger married couple who agree with your reasons for going nc. And once he’s worn her down and she starts asking you to speak to him, so he stops nagging her, it’ll be much harder for you to stand your ground. And he gets his own way.

DM then said it was a shame we couldn't get along etc for her sake ‘Yes mum, it is a terrible shame. But as much as I love you, I love me and my family too and I won’t subject us to brother’s behaviour. So if he brings it up again, tell him I’m refusing to discuss it with you so there’s nothing you can do’.

Original poster
thenarcissistssister · 27/12/2023 18:07

It's reassuring that others have the same problem, but I find it so difficult to manage DMs feelings, especially as she becomes more forgetful.

Reminding her of all the specific reasons that have led to this situation would be stressful or even traumatic for us both, but when my brother tells her repeatedly that it's just some sort of petty inexplicable grudge on my part and she starts to believe it - well, it's probably preferable to remembering how horrible her son is.

OP posts:
Rocksonabeach · 27/12/2023 18:10

Just say not discussing it on repeat.

cruisebaba1 · 27/12/2023 18:11

thenarcissistssister · 27/12/2023 18:07

It's reassuring that others have the same problem, but I find it so difficult to manage DMs feelings, especially as she becomes more forgetful.

Reminding her of all the specific reasons that have led to this situation would be stressful or even traumatic for us both, but when my brother tells her repeatedly that it's just some sort of petty inexplicable grudge on my part and she starts to believe it - well, it's probably preferable to remembering how horrible her son is.

Just let them all get on with it. This is exactly my situation. You have my sympathy regarding your mum, but try not to be manipulated. It’s about your MH too. Sorry you’re going through this.x

CharmedCult · 27/12/2023 18:21

We've been NC with my SIL for 2 years now and it's been absolute bliss.

FIL has tried bullying, manipulation and emotional distress towards DH, telling him to "be the bigger man", "get over it", "let it go, it's just how she is"... interestingly he never pulls this shit in front of me.

He raises the subject every now and then, we assume it's when SIL has been whining to him because she knows she's missing out on an awful lot of family get togethers, which are generally held at our house because we are the only ones who make an effort to arrange that kind of thing.

We've made it clear to IL's that we understand and accept that there are some occasions (e.g. funerals) where we will have to be in SIL's unpleasant company, and we will be civil, but that is as far as it will go. No more invites from us to our home for family meals, summer bbq's, out for dinner for birthdays, etc.

Protect your peace at all costs. Agree with a PP, just keep saying "I don't want to discuss this" on repeat.

Ktime · 27/12/2023 18:31

Ponoka7 · 27/12/2023 15:33

Did one of you not attend your father's funeral?

Seriously?

Ktime · 27/12/2023 18:33

OP, you did the right thing going NC. Don’t be swayed by DM. She will eventually accept it.

Your brother misses his emotional ounxhung bag, that’s all. He will never change, they never do.

Projectme · 27/12/2023 18:42

Maintain your stance OP.

I'm NC with my brother and his wife. DM used to say 'it's such a shame...blah' but I just closed down the convo and said 'not discussing'. She respected my decision and accepted it. He is now NC with DM and DF cos they refused to take sides. Twat.

yogaoga · 27/12/2023 18:43

My sister sounds just like your brother. My DM gets it but wishes things were different and I feel pressure from her to remedy a situation not caused by me. I get it OP. It’s shit but it’s not your fault. Put yourself first. Always welcome to PM me about it, I know sometimes how useful a sounding board is.

xyz111 · 27/12/2023 18:45

He sounds just as vile now as he was before. You just need to tell DM each time she mentions it that you are not speaking to him and that's the end of it.

FlyingCherub · 27/12/2023 19:04

I'm NC with my golden child sister, and I know it upsets Mum but she's quietly accepted it as time has gone on. She's a nasty bully who hides behind her christianity and has got a really cruel streak. Mum has never once called her out on it, even though she's witnessed it first hand.

I will never have her in my life again, and I'm deeply regretful that I didn't do it sooner.

Original poster
thenarcissistssister · 28/12/2023 09:18

Thanks so much for these responses, they've been really helpful.

It makes me so confused when I'm made to feel like a stubborn, unforgiving sort of person for standing my ground. Then I have to remind myself of all the reasons why this happened, which just stirs up all the horrible memories again.

It's an awful cycle that could be avoided if people would just be more accepting of others choices,

OP posts:
Reeceseggaddict · 30/04/2024 13:15

thenarcissistssister · 27/12/2023 15:29

My older sibling was a nasty bully as a child and decades of adulthood have not improved him. Now married with children and a responsible job, he remains every bit as unpleasant as he was when we were growing up.

A few years ago, after a particularly horrible incident when he openly mocked and sneered at one of my children, I decided to cut him out of my life.

After that, I didn't visit my DP if my brother was there, and my parents respected my wishes and told him not to visit them if I was already planning to visit. (Neither of us live locally to parents so visits are planned in advance). He kicked up a huge fuss about this and sometimes turned up anyway (I immediately left when that happened).

He has not accepted that I want nothing to do with him and his family and has continued to send emails texts etc. Usually, the pretext is birthday greetings for my DC (whom he never showed anything but competitive scorn or disinterest towards) or some pretext about how we 'had' to communicate to discuss future care arrangements for DM (who is in perfect health for her age). When I blocked him and told him to stop contacting me, he started contacting my DH, who also ignores/ blocks etc.

This Christmas, it was his turn to visit DM (my father recently passed away).
My mother later told me that he spent much of the visit hassling her about the fact that I won't talk to them. DM then said it was a shame we couldn't get along etc for her sake. The thing is, DM is very elderly and seemingly suddenly forgetting the reasons why I went NC in the first place, which she previously understood and supported.

My brother was extremely aggressive and even violent on many occasions (including as an adult in the years leading to me going NC, as well as in childhood). I feel so much happier with them out of my life. I have another sibling who I have a good relationship with. This other sibling can tolerate the bullying brother for short periods but is not close to them.

I know that if I resumed any sort of contact with my brother, the nastiness and bullying would continue - they have clearly not changed. For the sake of my mental health, I am 100% convinced I have done the right thing in cutting them out. But it makes me feel so guilty when my DM says these things about the family being fractured and the impact on her.

AIBU?

This may be difficult to accept but your mother enabled your brother so please do not feel any guilt about your boundaries. She had it in her power to say / do something. Maybe he bullied her (sounds like it) and she didn’t realise she could put boundaries up… Obviously she is sad and it is a sad situation for any family to be in but it’s the right situation for you and you did not cause it. I’m afraid saying too much to your mum is pointless other than to say “this wasn’t easy but I’m not allowing my brother to bully my children like he did to me”. And remind her of the violence. And ask her if she feels safe around him?

Also you could also tell him to stop any contact in writing and that any further interaction will be reported to the police and that it’s nothing that your mum can change so to stop harassing her too.

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