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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not a single message for the kids

19 replies

AmazingDayz · 27/12/2023 14:58

I have children with my ex and although he doesn’t bother with them every year he will send a text to wish them merry Xmas regardless of not bothering.. this year though he hasn’t, not a single present (wasn’t expecting that) card or text. A few people have said if it’s out of character and the first year he hasn’t I should message him. Should I say anything? I feel bad for my children. I don’t know how people can ignore their own kids especially at Xmas.

OP posts:
blackpanth · 27/12/2023 15:05

I wouldn't waste your breath on him. If he can't be arsed to send one simple text why should you x

AuntMarch · 27/12/2023 15:08

The text would have hardly made him dad of the year would it, just remind them of his existence. Which then probably makes them feel shit that he doesn't give a toss about them.

So no, I wouldn't do anything to encourage meaningless gestures.

TiredOfSayingItAgain · 27/12/2023 15:10

Does this poor excuse of a bloke pay for his children or see them at all? If not, cut all ties with him, he's no good.

Terfosaurus · 27/12/2023 15:12

My ex didn't contact our DC either. Fucking waste of space.

tescocreditcard · 27/12/2023 15:13

How old are the kids. Once they become teenagers I kind of think they should be maintaining their own relationship with their absent parent, and vise versa

Zombiemum1946 · 27/12/2023 15:17

As much of a waste of space as he sounds, if it's out of character I'd probably send a quick text.

DaughterNo2 · 27/12/2023 15:19

How old are the DC?

AgentProvocateur · 27/12/2023 15:19

If it’s out of character, I’d be checking that he’s not in hospital/dead.

Coconutter24 · 27/12/2023 15:19

A decent parent does not need a prompt to message their own children. Sometimes I used to send a message but not because it would make a slight bit of difference but just because I needed to vent at him to tell him how crap he is to try stir feelings of guilt or shame…. Didn’t always work.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/12/2023 15:27

AgentProvocateur · 27/12/2023 15:19

If it’s out of character, I’d be checking that he’s not in hospital/dead.

This was my first thought.

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 27/12/2023 16:14

The oldest is 12 and has just got a phone for Xmas so no he hasn’t messaged her as he doesn’t have the number and doesn’t see her. The others are too young for phones hence why he would message me on my phone to wish them happy Xmas.

Yes he pays his £7 a week maintenance through the cms when he doesn’t have debts that take priority.

OP posts:
Newchapterbeckons · 27/12/2023 17:51

This is incredibly hurtful behaviour and there is nothing you can do to prevent it beyond building up as much support, love and good role models as you possibly can. At least he isn’t harming them directly - and abusing them. Some fathers are better off not involved with dc - they do more harm than good.
Don’t mention a word to them unless they notice. Cut him out and pretend he doesn’t exist any longer. Children need you to be happy, settled and healthy- the rest they can deal with robustly.

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 27/12/2023 17:52

That’s the trouble I have zero family my kids only have me so it’s hard not to notice this and we don’t have loads of people around that love them it’s just me and them

OP posts:
Newchapterbeckons · 27/12/2023 17:53

They only need you. If you have frievds and neighbours that are kind - all the better.

MatildaTheCat · 27/12/2023 17:56

It’s very sad but it might be better to take the view that you sound much better off without him in your lives and a single rotten text is meaningless anyway when accompanied by nothing (£7!!!!) else.

Give your children a hug and yourself a massive pat on the back for doing so well despite their useless father.

ChristmasAgainWTAF · 28/12/2023 00:18

I'm so sorry op, I'm not sure what to say other than you sound like an absolutely fantastic Mum. You're their constant and it is you that shapes them. Weather their absent father sends a msg won't make a difference down the road.

Loubelle70 · 28/12/2023 00:24

AmazingDayz · 27/12/2023 16:14

The oldest is 12 and has just got a phone for Xmas so no he hasn’t messaged her as he doesn’t have the number and doesn’t see her. The others are too young for phones hence why he would message me on my phone to wish them happy Xmas.

Yes he pays his £7 a week maintenance through the cms when he doesn’t have debts that take priority.

My DD father was the same...i had to make up for his and his families shortcomings...my DD felt different because other kids had more family therefore more presents days out with other family...however OP... Take your kids to the cinema Monday odeon (cheap day) and remind them that they're the most important to you

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 28/12/2023 00:25

My sons dad is the same. Might rock up twice a year for a couple of hours to act like dad of the year but no calls or visits on birthdays or Christmas. Twats.

Original poster
AmazingDayz · 30/12/2023 01:55

Thanks for the comments all. Well obviously not dead as he has changed his profile picture on WhatsApp so just not interested in messaging his kids thank goodness I didn’t message him having him thinking I ‘care’ about him!!

OP posts:
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