Is this how it is working in 2023 or is it work place bullying?

[bringmesunshine78]

I started a job before Christmas, my first full time role since having children, and being a single parent, and it is a complete nightmare. The woman who I’m working under is so horrible, she talks over me, treats me like i’m an idiot, she told me to hurry up the other day, she made me work the afternoon on the last day before Christmas when everyone else clocked off at lunchtime. I’m finding it really triggering as its so like how the ex treated me (domestic abuse), she even told me I had imagined something she said, when I know I didnt, it was on a recorded meeting so i have listened back and its even there! I did do some work experience at the same place a while ago so had sort of experienced being back in the work place, and thought I knew what it would be like. They pride themselves as being family friendly too, but it has been a total and utter nightmare and I’m now having sleepless nights and nightmares when I do sleep, about having to go back there in the new year.

Thing is I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable and it is just that this is what the workplace is like these days in reality? Everyone stressed out and being rude, especially as most interaction is remote, often with cameras off, so being rude, short, impatient, is just how it is, no more politeness, everyone allowed to be how they are. I used to work in City banking on the trading floor and I can safely say I have never ever been treated like this even in a male dominated stressed out highly charged environment. This place isn't in London, it is in a small city, and the work is not "has to have happened by yesterday" type work either. I just do not get why she's got it in for me after just 4 weeks, when she's the one who employed me, read my CV and interviewed me.

Yes, a lot as changed in the work place since I’ve been out, I’m not a dinosaur and I have kept up with IT etc but its a different thing when you have to use MS Teams quickly for example when you’ve not used it in a work situation before. Of course I’ll get it the more i use it but the manager has said things like “I haven’t got all day” and “Come on, its not that difficult!”, she even told me she only had 7 minutes to get to leave her to get to her son's Winter Fai and could I "Get on with it", when I was struggling to find the correct screen to share with her. She has gone onto an Excel Spreadsheet whilst I've been on it working and then afterwards questioned me on why I was hesitating and so slow in putting in the formulas and "Don't you know how to use Excel properly, do you need training?!". I also have primary aged children so the run up to Christmas was crazy busy admin juggle as I’m sure any parent knows. My line manager is a bit younger than me but with similar aged children and seemed to moan a lot pre-Christmas about her juggle she is married with a helpful husband apparently according to her, but when it was me, missing my child's nativity because she insisted i do something last minute, even though we had arranged I would do it after hours, and it wasn't urgent.

She interviewed me and seemed nice, and understanding about being a single parent, and I also know she knows the background to the separation which was domestic abuse. But she totally backtracked on the flexible working and was expecting me to be in the office in office hours which was really hard as they only gave two weeks notice to start and so it was hard to find childcare in December with all that was going on. They knew that and I told them it was a condition of me starting before Christmas and they agreed but not in writing just in a conversation. Also not what they said in the interview as you’re allowed to work from home too but she had a go at me in the last week and said I needed to officially arrange it. Even though I had discussed it with her already. Its all really crazy making and I don’t know what to do, It really wrecked my Christmas as I’ve been worrying about it, and its also brought back my PTSD again as I think its triggered me too much.

So I also don't know if this is my reaction to a bullying person, and I am being more sensitive to her behaviour, and that this is all normal workplace behaviour in 2023.

What do I do? I really need a job and need to have a certain number of payslips for my mortgage renewal – so I can’t just not go back, and also it will look bad on my CV, but I also know that its not something that can be sorted out with HR and I just do not want to go down that avenue, I don’t have energy to be fighting for my rights within a workplace having been doing it for the last X number of years with ex, which Im also still having to with a court date this month. Not sure what Im looking for really here, understanding, anyone else been through this, i need some advice on how to handle it?

But is it just the result of counselling and therapy and groupwork and now having the tools to recognise a bully and a narcissist at twenty paces and an inherent need to now boundary that ASAP before it gets out of control. I tried to challenge her on it, in the best way I could think of by asking offline what was wrong as she was clearly frustrated with me and she just denied it and told me i was imagining it. All our interactions have been remote as she works elsewhere and the one chance we had to meet up when she came to our site she didn't bother to make an arrangement to meet me in person. I've had no direct hand over about the job and have been expected to do it myself, watch hours and hours of online training, and she gets really angry with me if I haven't understood something when she then asks me to do something.

Its so weird, but im still not sure if this is the new 2023 workplace - and how things have changed in 12 years. Any advice on how to behave towards this person, in this situation, which I probably have to be in in the next couple of months. How do I lessen the impact on me, lessen her effect, and how do I not rub her up the wrong way as this is very clearly what is happening, like my ex, everything I say and do is wrong. So if you have to work with someone like this, how do you do it? And am I being unreasonable to expect polite interaction, patience and kindness from a new manager? She's treating me like I've never worked before and like I'm stupid too.

It isn't normal and I'd look for another job.

Of course it is not normal. Are you really asking if every single person in the workforce is unpleasant? You have got unlucky by the sounds of it, if things don't improve then you probably will need to start to look for a new job.

Not normal.

No, that's not normal. She sounds dreadful. I would start looking for another job in your shoes. Good luck!

Not normal by a long shot. A new job beckons but also some assertiveness. I really do empathise because I've been through workplaces like that and it can erode the soul.

Look for another job before your mental health takes a severe bartering
She sounds nuts

Not normal. However, I would say maybe you need assertiveness training or even a short course of therapy as you’re finding things at work stressful, bringing back PTSD but just as a support tool.

I would look for a new job, her reactions towards new skills you’re learning or looking to improve on, isn’t normal.

No not normal.
She sounds like a bully. Please look for another job. Make up your mind that you're leaving & spend your evenings looking for a better fit.
Good luck to you. Better things/people will come.

Nope, not normal. My manager is lovely, supportive and lets me be flexible with doing the school run etc. find a new job :-)

Absolutely not normal- telling you to hurry up, like you’re a kid? Cutting you down with backhanded comments and making you feel stupid? Moving the goalposts on agreed working terms? She sounds a blinking nightmare. Find a new job and move on…and get those flexible working arrangements in writing next time.

Of course that’s not normal. And if you worked on a trading floor you would know that. It’s dysfunctional and she is a bully. You won’t be able to change the dynamic so you need to find another job.

She sounds awful. As others have said, this is not normal.

However, you cannot expect HR to do anything about it. Not when she's the manager and you're on your probation period. I would start applying for new work immediately, but also try to get through your probation period successfully. That way, if nothing suitable comes up quickly enough, at least you'll have a bit more stability in terms of not being pushed out with very little notice. Also, once you're permanent, then you can have a decent conversation with HR.

Different workplaces have different cultures but I don't think it's normal anywhere to not meet with someone who works directly for you when the opportunity arises, or to deny things you've said, to go back on things that have been agreed at recruitment, or to tell someone they've imagined rudeness.

Your manager is a bitch basically and that shouldn't be tolerated anywhere however I suspect that remote working has made this a bit easier as no one will see her bully you.

Are you me, used to work in a trading room, am a lone parent and new boss is 'challenging' I now put everything in writing and he denies everything. I even email myself so I have things recorded in my version just in case. Some of it is plain rudeness. Some of it I am sure because he is not used to being a people manager. I love the test of the office and am just avoiding him as much as possible. He treats us all as badly so that's something. I really want to tell him I am a woman in her 40's and he doesn't need to treat me like am annoying 6 year old who can't be trusted to send emails when I have known some clients for almost 20 years.
You could try pushing back. Sometimes people are better when you push back. If you can't record everything.
It's not 2023, I know plenty of decent people who manage. Certain people just can't deal with people or any sort of power. Maybe she is intimidated by you having been in the trading room.

I'd try and make sure I put as much as possible in writing eg if you have a meeting, say in writing if your flexible working can be on the agenda as x y and z was agreed when you accepted the job and this hasn't happened. Also ask for a written explanation of why you're needed in the office when you're just on teams with other remote people for example. Backing everything up in writing will help if it ever gets to hr

She just sounds like a bad manager.

Not normal at all. Its a toxic workplace, nothing to do with your skill level.

Seems like you're being groomed to be the office punchbag/scapegoat.

(if you knew Microsoft Office better than Bill Gates, this person would start complaining about the way you ate your lunch or your dress sense)

Also - going forward, please please be mindful about communicating any trauma/vulnerability you may have experienced?

Interviewers at decent workplaces don't need information like you've come out of an abusive relationship and are vulnerable.

There are a lot of predators (male and female) who feed off information, pretend to be sympathetic, then go for the kill. They look for anyone they perceive to be "weaker" to target, and they gather personal information to do this.

(If you had started this role saying you didn't really need the money and your father was a top employment lawyer she wouldn't be acting like this. Or might even not have employed you!).

She's a bully and I suspect she's using the information she had about your vulnerable situation, knowing you feel dependent on this job, to act in this way.

I once met a woman at work who basically said NOTHING ever. She could have been royalty she could have been massively in debt. No-one knew!

It seemed a bit stand-offish, but looking back it seems a good strategy for protecting your boundaries.

No this behaviour is not normal. You already know from your previous relationship that you cannot control someone else's behaviour only your own. There have been a couple of times when you could have nipped this in the bud. When she promised flexible working at interview and offer but withdrew it when you started you should have said "flexible working has already been agreed and if it is no longer on the table.then I can't accept the position". Instead she was allowed to mess you about, letting her know that she can do it whenever she likes....which is what she has been doing since.

You could go above her head and attempt some workplace mediation but you could also look for a new job asap.

Thank you for the advice. I’ve started looking, think it’s the only answer, it’s not a big enough place to be able to mediate and then maybe move to another department. Unfortunately I didn’t directly tell her my background but the placement I did meant she knew the basics of why I was with them. I guess taking advantage of a vulnerability, I’ve noticed that generally post domestic abuse that some people when they know them are automatically rude and take advantage - guess that’s just people, survival of the fittest and all that. Anyway thank you, I think life is too short to give her any more energy.