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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

. . . to be really annoyed and how do I stop?

27 replies

RedPandaFluff · 27/12/2023 13:16

DH knocked over a large vase earlier that was both very expensive and a wedding present from a much-loved relative who has since passed away.

It was completely an accident and DH feels bad about it, but I can't let go of how upset and slightly angry with him I am for being so careless.

Maybe I'm annoyed because this is the latest in a long line of things he's accidentally broken or damaged recently, and I'm fed up of it.

Anyway, how do I shake this off? It's crystal so can't be repaired. It feels weird to just bin it but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be annoyed at DH - it truly was an accident - so I want to do whatever will help me forget about it as quickly as possible! Any suggestions?

OP posts:

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 27/12/2023 13:26

Fix it with that japanese method where you use gold. I can't remember what it's called.

jeaux90 · 27/12/2023 13:27

Well I was going to suggest setting it in a resin project if you wanted to keep it.

TheOccupier · 27/12/2023 13:28

I don't think the repair suggestions above are possible with crystal, sadly.

OP can you look for the same one? They may still make it or you might find one on ebay...

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/12/2023 13:31

You are allowed to feel upset, it’s natural. Ask DH to look online to either find someone who can repurpose some of it (when the cat broke a vintage lamp I had some of the dangly bits made into earrings) or on a vintage site for something similar. Might make you feel a bit more kindly towards him.

Allfur · 27/12/2023 13:36

The memory of the person who gave it us more important than the thing itself, we all need to stop bring so attached to stuff

dudsville · 27/12/2023 13:38

I feel your pain OP. I think you need to find a suitable replacement for the item. I know it won't be the same but you will still link the memory of your loved one to it. I live with a v clumsy person and I also get angry. As a result I can be a little patronising at times. I was leaving something on the counter overnight christmas eve and I brought him into the kitchen, asked hm to look and listen to me, showed him the item and said that he was not to touch it. I tried to make it as lighthearted as possible but it was undeniably such a bitchy thing to do, I hate it. But I can garuntee you that he would have got curious and there would have been a mess. He's a loving, thoughtful and caring DH and I am a cow who's fed up with shrugging off the lost much treasured items.

MatildaTheCat · 27/12/2023 13:39

If he has repeatedly been careless with your stuff and broken things you care about then it’s pretty normal to be annoyed. It only happened today so why shouldn’t you?

Even if it was a total accident and he feels bad why should you instantly forgive and feel fine about it? Sure, don’t sulk but you are allowed to be cross and disappointed. In a few days it will fade anyway.

WavingCatsandDogs · 27/12/2023 13:40

Allfur · 27/12/2023 13:36

The memory of the person who gave it us more important than the thing itself, we all need to stop bring so attached to stuff

How's that helpful?

We all operate differently.

I have vintage coat I bought while out with my aunt and cousin, they have both since passed away but every time I wear it I think if her and that day we spent together.

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 13:41

angry with him I am for being so careless.

Sorry about the broken vase. If you feel you're being unreasonably reactive regarding the vase maybe you feel he's being careless in other ways and you're actually upset about something else.

Paperbagsaremine · 27/12/2023 13:41

Maybe the way forward is to ask him to go round the house and think of how to re-situate stuff so that it's less likely he'll break things. You don't think he's doing it on purpose, so it sounds like it's because he's bigger and doesn't have the fine-tuned proprioception (sense of where his body is) and control to avoid breakages in the current environment .
He is who he is, so changing the environment is the way to go.

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 27/12/2023 13:42

@TheOccupier I've had a look on eBay and I can't find anything similar, let alone the same one. It also shocked me slightly as crystal vases of that brand and size are listed between £200-£300 so I couldn't justify replacing it - I'm on maternity leave so counting the pennies more than usual.

@EmptyYoghurtPot making it into a lamp could work! That's a great idea! I'm going to put a post on our local Facebook page to see if anyone has crafty skills. Thank you, I feel better already

OP posts:

WellOwlBeDamned · 27/12/2023 13:43

Instead of repairing/repurposing can your DH commit to making a cuppa, finding the photo albums, and having a reminisce with you later tonight?

Would show he cares, would bring back memories of relative unrelated to the physical vase, and would transform the ‘bad’ event by DH into a lovely event shared by you both.

CharmedCult · 27/12/2023 13:44

this is the latest in a long line of things he's accidentally broken or damaged recently

Well then it’s perfectly understandable that you’re annoyed that he’s been so bloody careless again.

These ideas to look on eBay for something similar or find someone to repurpose it into something else are great, but your DH should be doing that!

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 27/12/2023 13:44

@dudsville I am approaching this level and feel similarly

OP posts:

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/12/2023 13:44

RedPandaFluff · 27/12/2023 13:42

@EmptyYoghurtPot making it into a lamp could work! That's a great idea! I'm going to put a post on our local Facebook page to see if anyone has crafty skills. Thank you, I feel better already

Glad you are feeling more positive. I’m sure it can still be a lovely thing.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2023 13:46

Maybe I'm annoyed because this is the latest in a long line of things he's accidentally broken or damaged recently, and I'm fed up of it.

In my opinion, this isn't really an "accident" then. He has a pattern of careless, thoughtless behaviour and I would not be impressed at all. What's his excuse for being so daft?

SkaneTos · 27/12/2023 13:49

I am sorry about the vase. It's sad when something you are attached to is broken.

Is your husband alright in general? His physical health?
I am just asking if he keeps accidentally breaking stuff, more than usual, could it be somthing the matter with his body? Clumsiness as a symptom of something?

uclpp · 27/12/2023 13:54

How did he knock it over? Was it really in a safe place?

Honestly, I'd bin it and forget about it. People are important, not things.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it might help you feel less upset about it if you can view it this way. At least it wasn't your dh in an accident and the vase unscathed!

EauNeu · 27/12/2023 13:57

Great idea for the gold repair - kintsugi

Kintsugi

Zanatdy · 27/12/2023 13:59

My brother broke a much loved vase once slamming the door and my mum was furious. My dad patiently glued it back together piece by piece and it remains on top of a wall unit. After my mum departs this Earth (hopefully not anytime soon) I will always keep it, even though it’s not my style. Corny but it resembles my childhood, mum with mental illness (and trust me no-one cared in the 80’s), parents always arguing and then making up, and repeat. You’d think I wouldn’t want a reminder of that but some things from your past are nice to keep.

Zombiemum1946 · 27/12/2023 14:04

It's understandable and not unreasonable. My only concern is the recent clumsiness of your dh. Maybe he needs to get checked over.

Blinkityblonk · 27/12/2023 14:08

One of my children is very clumsy (dyslexic, likely dyspraxic) as is my husband, I have just got used to having fairly cheap tablewear and buying it quite frequently. They don't like being clumsy and often feel bad about themselves as a consequence, so unless it appears purposive, don't be too cross, just be sad and find a way to use it if you can.

determinedtomakethiswork · 27/12/2023 14:13

I would frame a photo of the person and buy some flowers and put them together in the same place where the vase had been.

RobertaFirmino · 27/12/2023 15:23

Clumsiness can be a symptom of an underlying condition. It certainly was for me so I'd kindly suggest that DH goes to the GP in the new year.

Original poster

RedPandaFluff · 27/12/2023 16:43

Thank you for all the replies. I very much doubt there's anything medically wrong with DH, he just tends to shove things around. This particular item was on the kitchen island - he was tidying up, managed to knock the vase onto its side, so some chunks of crystal broke at the top of it where it hit the work surface. Other instances are things like putting delicates in the tumble dryer so they shrink or become misshapen, spilling red wine on sofa cushions, using a metal spoon to stir something in a Le Creuset saucepan etc. It just feels sometimes he doesn't think before he does something.

Maybe he's learned some lessons and 2024 will be better . . .

OP posts:

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