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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to spend christmas again with sil?

17 replies

jumpingjackrabbit · 27/12/2023 11:26

SIL and I have a strained relationship. The strain started a few years ago when she called me out on not understanding men have sexual needs and her DB was obviously sexually frustrated. Over the years other things have been said. As a result, I have learnt the best way to manage SIL is to keep my distance and be very boundaried with her. We don't live near each other and only see each other a handful of times a year, which is enough for me if I am being honest as I always come away feeling upset as a lot of her behaviour and comments are directed to me.

This Christmas it was as though I wasn't there. She would make attempts to be all jolly with others, but would walk out of a room if I walked in, be OTT with DD and would say goodbye to everybody else when leaving, but blanked me.

This Christmas every opportunity she had to have a dig she took it - comments were about people holding grudges over things that had been said, how my family were scrooge for doing Christmas in a different way to her, how I was weird for not having any outdoor decs or musical toys and asking if I kept in touch with DH's wives friends as I didn't bother to contact her. She recently moved into a new house and DH asked if she would give me a tour as I hadn't seen the house yet. She shouted at him so DH started giving me a tour. After he had gone downstairs, she was very rude and threw open her wardrobe doors asking if I wanted to see in there too. I had comments made about my choice of school for DD, how I didn't understand the school system, etc etc.

DH also had comments too so we ended up driving home a day earlier.

I've told DH that I am reluctant to want to spend Christmas with her again. He just said her mental health isn't good and to chalk it up as he also had comments, but for me Christmas is about having a fun and relaxed day not having to walk on eggshells.

MIL said SIL feels let down after coming to stay with us in the summer and not giving her support. At the time we had a lot of stressors of our own going on and didn't have the headspace to take anything else on.

She obviously hates me, which I can live with, but any advice on how to navigate this relationship going forward?

OP posts:

HalebiHabibti · 27/12/2023 11:32

You are definitely not being unreasonable! Why should everyone else have to tiptoe around SIL forever?

2jacqi · 27/12/2023 11:34

@jumpingjackrabbit dont make any more excuses for her!! her mother and your hubby are both enabling her!! go
go no contact for the sake of your own mental health! have you posted about your sil before OP? i seem to recognise some of what you are saying/ Does your husband know that he is sexually frustrated according to his sister?? 😆

ForTheLoveOfFriends · 27/12/2023 11:37

You’ve written about this sil before haven’t you? The one who kept ringing mil when she was visiting?

takealettermsjones · 27/12/2023 11:39

Don't go to hers again for Christmas. If you can be the bigger person for your kids, maybe invite her to yours in future - at least you'll be in your own home. But I'd call out comments each and every time tbh, because I'm petty about good examples for my kids! "That's a rude thing to say SIL, why are you being rude?" etc.

That said, I think your husband was very rude to give you a tour of someone else's house. I think a "tour" should only ever be offered by the homeowner, you don't ask to be shown round someone's bedrooms!

JennyForeigner · 27/12/2023 11:46

Don't bother.

HisNibs · 27/12/2023 12:10

ForTheLoveOfFriends · 27/12/2023 11:37

You’ve written about this sil before haven’t you? The one who kept ringing mil when she was visiting?

This thread I think...
Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL | Mumsnet

She said in that one that she was done with them. Yet here we are...

It's not going to improve Op

Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL | Mumsnet

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some qualit...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4949557-drama-drama-drama-sil?page=1

Original poster

jumpingjackrabbit · 27/12/2023 12:46

I know, but I would never with-hold DD from seeing her grandparents. It is a tricky one.

OP posts:

Redshoeblueshoe · 27/12/2023 12:52

How the hell does she know anything about your sex life ? Did your DH go running to them to complain ?

whowhatwerewhy · 27/12/2023 14:47

So two years ago you had a shit Christmas due to SIL mood swings. Your MIL had a disastrous visit to you not so long ago due to your SIL keep calling. Yet you still go for Christmas. It seems you like the drama of it all too . The simplest solution is to step away .

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/12/2023 15:00

You don’t need to keep DD away from grandparents, DH can take her. SIL would have been done for me the moment she had an opinion on my sex life. Grown up people don’t shout at each other.

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2023 15:02

Why do you still go to see her? I think you’re bu. Just stop!

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 27/12/2023 15:04

A tour? Where’s she moved to? Buckingham Palace?

Seas164 · 27/12/2023 15:05

She's not going to change her behaviour. Ever.

You will need to, or accept the status quo.

DH asked if she would give me a tour as I hadn't seen the house yet

this was unhelpful at best, I'd be very clear with DH that you are no longer willing to entertain a relationship with his sister and this is something he needs to accept and support you with. End of tale.

HerMammy · 27/12/2023 15:05

she called me out on not understanding men have sexual needs and her DB was obviously sexually frustrated.
I'd love to know how this conversation came about ?!?

tescocreditcard · 27/12/2023 15:08

Just stop going to places you know she'll be at.

|Invite who you want to xmas at your house.

TellySavalashairbrush · 27/12/2023 15:14

It’s clear your SIL drives you crazy and she obviously has some kind of issues herself . Tell your DH to take the children to see grandparents and then stay at home and don’t have any further contact with her . My own SIL is an arse, I have minimal contact with her and I take everything she says to me with a pinch of salt. Yours is never going to change. For your own sanity don’t waste another moment thinking about this woman. Avoid her . End of.

SerafinasGoose · 27/12/2023 15:14

My MiL did precisely this to me last Christmas. Turned up in my home, ate the food I'd cooked, and refused so much as to speak to me. She didn't thank me for lunch. She didn't ask how I was (I'd had a serious accident not six months beforehand in which I had nearly been killed). Of course I didn't expect concern, but a simple 'hello' would have sufficed. When I wished her a safe drive home, she dismissed me with a sharp gesture.

I told DH on that occasion that this would be the last time she would be under my roof. After two decades of similar, unaccountably rude behaviour from her I'd had more than enough, and never wanted to see her again.

He agrees. Rather than simply supporting my decision he is of the same mindset and doesn't want her here himself. I would like him to go one further and tell her why, but I know this will never happen. This, however, no longer matters as it won't affect the outcome. I am done.

What your SiL did is absolutely not acceptable. As for the comments about her brother's sex life, where do I even start with this? Far from not wanting to spend another Christmas with this hostile, boundary-stamping weirdo, you are well within your rights never to see her again.

YADNBU.

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