I met a woman on an online dating website last month, we are both women.
She seems great fun, is a martial arts instructor, settled responsible career working with rehabilitating people, a nicely kept home, travels the world in a camper van with a cute dog, quite attractive, she seems like a very appealing package and just the kind of person I might have hoped to meet. (Not concerned about that being identifying, absolutely certain she nor her friends read Mumsnet)
I am of course more interested in her character than the above surface trappings.
As we have talked more regularly and at length, I’ve learned some things about her that I would like some objective feed back on…
She mentions somehow or some way almost everyday that she experienced love and was very loved by her exs, but that she never felt the same degree of love for them, and she wanted to experience a passionate powerful love.
When I asked her what love meant to her, she said to love each other to the same level, and to feel the same excitement about that person 20 years later as you did day one.
She is 51.
She said that first time she felt such a passionate love was this past summer, when she met a woman she said she couldn’t build a real connection with, that she was aloof and distant and it was clear they did not feel the same way about each other. She said this woman nearly broke her and has shattered her self confidence for the first time.
I asked her if she perhaps had come to associate pain and longing with passionate love, and that perhaps it was more of a “the one that got away” situation, and that allowed her to project things on this woman that may or may not be true. She agreed that was “undoubtedly” the case, and that she had learned so much about herself.
She said she believed that experience was karma and she learned a lot about herself. She said she felt what it must have been like for her exs who she was not as passionate about and who she left, while they still loved her… because she needed something “spicy” and dislikes the stale routine that sets in after a few years.
I said how did your exs respond the the imbalance of love… she said that she was attentive and kind, and that was enough for them… but that she knows she can give more and be more - she mentioned she could be more romantic, organise surprises, that sort of thing.
I have seen several flags in this and want to stop this in its tracks before it has begun, AIBU?
I know of course that I can end things at any time for any reason, and I don’t need permissions from anyone… my only doubt is I have been very hurt a few times now, and I’m wondering if I am judging hastily before I’ve even really got to know someone, and she may have qualities I don’t know about yet… also, what people say, and who they are is often very different. I haven’t had much opportunity to see her behaviour to judge her by that instead.
It may be that she has these ideas because she has been born and raised in France, and that culture is certainly very different.
Just needing some reassurance and feedback, thank you Vipers!