to think this friendship is over?

[Friendshipover5]

I’ve been very close friends to someone for 15 years now; we spent a lot of time together in early 20s, I had DC which took me out of the friendship group a lot as others were early 20s and still spending their spare time going out and to parties which I wasn’t able to go.

We’ve always stayed in touch and met up a few times a year; always did presents for each others DC now they have some of their own, met up for meals or days out etc.

They’ve had a very big year; new home and moving away, another DC, deaths in the family which I’ve tried to support them through as much as I can without actually seeing them.

For the past year though, I’m lucky if I get a message back. I’ve asked after her DC, asked for a new address to send a new home gift.. if I get a reply at all, it’s days afterwards and usually I just get ignored. Every month or so she pops back in to say “sorry for not replying” but I feel like I’m wasting my time even communicating. I’m not expecting an immediate reply but I’ve been “best friends” (I know some people don’t like that term) to this woman for 15 years and I now dont know anything about her life. I don’t know where she lives, where she’s working these days, how her DC are because every message I send, usually after she messages me, is met with silence.

We’re approaching late 30s now, should I just give it up and accept the friendship is basically over?

Just leave it now and see if she messages you.

Yeah I would give up on that.

I’d pull back a bit but leave the door open.

I would think the friendship has changed, but she still replies so she still clearly cares. She's in a different place and busy. Being best friends like in school where you see each other every day, or like in your 20s where you have time to reply to every message, is no longer working for her. You can't force someone to make more time for you than they are able to give. Making a drama out of wanting to be the centre of her attention is not going to end well, and certainly won't give you what you want. So you can have a strop and drop the friendship, or you can accept it's a lighter version than it was before and go with that.

I’m not “throwing a strop” nor do I expect to be the centre of her attention, just as she would never be mine. But asking for your best friends address to send flowers to her new home and getting completely blanked? It doesn’t feel right to me.

She's not your best friend.

She no longer sees you as a friend. You don't meet up or do anything together. She's moved further away. You're just someone to text. It's not the same thing. I'd stop texting and leave her to it.

If a friend declines to forward you their new address, I think that's a pretty big sign that they're done with you. She doesn't see you as her best friend, that's for sure. Some friendships do have a shelf life, so I'd chalk up the experience and move on.

IDK. It sounds like a lot on her plate if she's just had a baby, moved home and had deaths in the family. Sometimes if I'm going through a lot I don't have head space to message someone. She may have thought if you send her presents then she'd have to reciprocate and she doesn't have the mental capacity atm.

She's not completely blanking you so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being. See how she is this year and whether she'd be willing to meet up at some point. Your relationship may have changed a bit now she's not in close proximity but it doesn't necessarily mean it's over.

Im of the opinion that when people are that distant they dont actually care that much. I have a little one and a partner and im really busy day to day but i always make an effort with my friends even if its just a message now and then to catch up on what iv been up to until we can meet up properly (however long that is). Life definitley changes with kids and communication gets less but if people want to make the effort they will. Its not that hard to send a quick message giving you her new address so i would be taking her behaviour as a hint to pull right back and let her make the effort with you now. If she doesnt then you have your answers. Its sad but you will feel a sense of relief from doing it.

Just let her be. If she doesn't make effort to stay in touch then you know that friendship is done.

I'd stop bothering with her, OP.
Friendship is 2 way. People can always make time to respond to a message, it literally takes seconds, but it's always them choosing not to, no matter how busy they claim to be.

That she won't send you her address speaks volumes. She's been soft ghosting you. Gradually reducing contact over time.

I'd still send birthday and Christmas texts. She's had a lot going on - you're not close anymore, but that doesn't mean you're not friends. Friendships do ebb and flow sometimes. I've just caught up with a friend I haven't spoken to or text for about 9 months. Social media also feels like a strange but real touch point, in that you see snippets of each other's lives and so it doesn't feel so distant. So much going on, on both sides but there's still love there.

Hey - personally I would keep an open mind for a little longer if she has had an unusual year and especially as grief can throw things upside down.
I had a couple of years when I was genuinely in survival mode for a combo of reasons and unless someone actually turned up on my doorstep to help I found it hard to stay in touch - and it was so cognitively affecting that I couldn’t even remember things like birthdays, or gifts that had been sent etc (sounds mad I realise).
Some close friends took it personally (one confronted me at the time) and ended the friendship (their choice and fair enough obv but wasn’t my headspace/intention if that makes sense)
What I found most helpful was folks who either just sent the odd message every few months with no expectation, or were receptive when I emerged.
Might not be what’s going on with your friends but I guess just to give a possible perspective.
If her life stabilises and you still don’thear from her, I guess you’ll get a clearer picture?