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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Employer asking me to hide pregnancy

48 replies

Silentknight6 · 27/12/2023 08:17

I’m 25 weeks pregnant due to go on mat leave in a few months. My employer and HR dept has known I’m pregnant since about 7 weeks as I was very sick and needed time off that I wanted to be recorded separately.

My manager has asked me if I can keep my pregnancy quiet from clients and ideally from my wider team as they’re worried about how it will look from a business continuity aspect and that my team will panic. I’m not really happy about this as firstly I’m obviously showing quite a bit now so it requires me to think about what I wear. Secondly my time off for appointments is ramping up and I hate lying about this. A few of my clients are actually pregnant and due after me and I find it a shame I can’t show any solidarity!

AIBU and can they actually ask me to do this! My employer is a large organisation if that gives more context but my manager is a young male with no experience of managing a pregnant employee.

OP posts:
MavisMarch · 27/12/2023 08:25

This is not on. You need to approach your HR department as he is breaking so many employment laws he is leaving the company open to being taken to court. Pregnancy is a protected characteristic and he is actively discriminating against you. As you say he has little experience of this he needs zHR to step in snd educate him now. Have the relevant risk assessments been done? Who is your maternity cover? Surely you will have to do a handover to them as leaving it will mess up continuity more if you suddenly dissappear

Silverbirchtwo · 27/12/2023 08:31

Just say there is nothing you can do to 'hide it' much longer and it would be much more sensible if everyone knew now. Or say oops sorry I've already told x, y and z and although I told them to keep it quiet, they also know p, q, n that I work with (are customers) so I'm pretty sure it's an open secret by now.

Megifer · 27/12/2023 08:31

Well that's......bizarre. I wouldn't go to HR at this stage as its a bit of a silly request that might just need a bit of daylight shining on it for manager to realise what a prat he is. I'd ask a very PA "sorry, you want me to lie about why I'm getting rotund? What's the issue with business continuity as I am coming back, right?"

Original poster
Silentknight6 · 27/12/2023 08:33

I have had one risk assessment done but this was generated through HR and completed by my office manager. I’ve still been expected to work quite long hours which I’ve raised a few times and it’s not gone anywhere. I presume the maternity cover is still not decided hence why they want to wait however my experience of this company is that it could be decided in the last week before I go (often happens when people leave - they are asked not to tell anyone until the last minute) which is obviously not ideal for them and I can’t imagine still trying to conceal a 37 week bump!

OP posts:
JustOneMoreBaileys · 27/12/2023 08:33

Agree with above and I think I'd handle it by saying 'I can no longer hide it, so will be telling people' and leave it at that.

He's asked - the answer is no.

DontPutTheKidsThroughIt · 27/12/2023 08:37

Has he never seen a woman 8months pregnant? Unless you just happen to be one of those women who have a very neat & concealeable bump this is going to be totally impossible to hide from anyone who sees you in person in a week or two. Stupid thing to ask you to do. Also the attitude behind it stinks. Being pregnant is not a bad thing that needs hiding from the team at work.

Saytheyhear · 27/12/2023 08:53

Your manager is up to something. Search pregnant then screwed and see if they can help you.

VolvoFan · 27/12/2023 08:54

Your manager sounds similar to mine. Mine is a man just turned 30. He's not the smartest cookie out there. He once asked me to rearrange a precisely-timed embryo transfer due to lack of staff. I was on a tonne of hormones at the time and I blew up at him. "If you think the self-inflicted short staffing is more important than my diminishing chances of becoming a mother, I will ensure the fee for the cancelled cycle is invoiced to the company." He told me off for being inappropriate and unconstructive. Yes, I still work there. I had the transfer and I miscarried.

Escalate to HR and he should back down.

MrsTopaz · 27/12/2023 08:59

They are making their problem, your problem! Did HR ask you to conceal or just only line manager?
stop concealing, if the team worries that is not your problem, that is your HR’s and Line Manager area to sort.
This is outrageous really, read the ACAS website about how pregnancies are protected in the workplace.

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 09:07

This is insanity. No, you cannot and will not hide it. Why on earth would people ‘panic’?

CharlotteBog · 27/12/2023 09:14

Dear Manager, it is my belief that you do not have a good understanding of how to manage pregnant staff. Please educate yourself and then I will be happy to have this conversation again. I am not willing to discuss this matter further until you have done so.

How insulting.

rainbowstardrops · 27/12/2023 09:22

Why on earth does he want you to hide your pregnancy from staff and clients? What difference does it make to your clients? Unless of course you run a convent!

Couldyounot · 27/12/2023 09:27

Your manager is on pretty thin ice here tbh. Doesn't sound like he's up to the job.

SiennaMillar · 27/12/2023 09:29

I’ve been told to do the same by my head teacher (I’m a primary school teacher). And now that it has been announced, I need to be ‘vague’ about the due date. I’ve also been asked why I am sitting down so much 😤 seriously.

Original poster
Silentknight6 · 27/12/2023 09:45

I think it’s because clients get nervous when there is a high turnover of people on their accounts, and due to a few leavers and team restructure this has happened quite a bit lately. They’ve raised it a few times as they prefer continuity for obvious reasons. But as you say it’s making my problem their problem! I wouldn’t be surprised if my manager had never seen/really noticed the size of a pregnant woman to be honest he doesn’t strike me as very mature.

OP posts:
Startingagainandagain · 27/12/2023 10:22

I am always staggered by how many incompetent managers are in the workplace these days...

This guy is not doing his job. He should be planning for your cover and making sure everyone is informed. it is his job to address any concerns that clients might have with high staff turnover.

It is ludicrous and frankly offensive to ask you to hide the fact that you are pregnant.

I would send him an email and copy HR into saying that you are a bit puzzled that you were asked to hide your pregnancy as you are obviously showing by now and that the request made uncomfortable and that it is not something you can do.

Also remind them that you raised the issue of expectations to work long hours (I assume you mean more than your contracted hours) and that unfortunately you can no longer do that at this stage of your pregnancy.

HR will probably have a chat with your manager...

I would also keep a diary of everything that is happening so you have evidence should he try to mess about when it comes to your maternity leave and return to work.

ElBandito · 27/12/2023 10:25

This is (nearly) the stupidest thing I've heard. Are they expecting you to hide your bump behind strategically placed pot plants like they do with actors who get inconveniently pregnant mid season?

Whiskers4 · 27/12/2023 10:33

My stomach was tiny when I had DD, didn't need to wear maternity clothes until 7 months. However, I told my colleagues at three months (my immediate boss earlier as I couldn't conceal sickness and nausea from him). They'd all guessed anyway as they put two and two together as I'd had a couple of appointments, DH had to puck me up a few times as I couldn't stop heaving and a couple of people not my stomach had changed shape.

No way will you be able to hide it, just buy whatever clothes suit you. It's just a shame you're not meant to tell others and know they're happy for you.

FloofCloud · 27/12/2023 10:54

Yes, skating on thin ice! He should be all over who is covering/taking over and sorting things out 🤯

whyamiawakestill · 27/12/2023 10:58

Does the op say her manager is a man? Is it a man asking you to conceal your pregnancy? So odd and like everyone else I'd be letting people know fur your own safety as well.

soemptyinside · 27/12/2023 11:30

I understand why he wants to keep it quiet as long as possible... but at 25 weeks, I think the 'as possible' part must have or is about to come to an end, surely?

If he's known since 7 weeks, he's had time to line up cover and break the news that you'll be away for however long. If he's done nothing for 18 weeks, more fool him.

PlipPlopChoo · 27/12/2023 11:32

Ask them to put their request forwards to you formally, clearly setting out what they are asking of you.

That should put the wind up them

JustRingJoeDuffy · 27/12/2023 11:38

whyamiawakestill · 27/12/2023 10:58

Does the op say her manager is a man? Is it a man asking you to conceal your pregnancy? So odd and like everyone else I'd be letting people know fur your own safety as well.

My employer is a large organisation if that gives more context but my manager is a young male with no experience of managing a pregnant employee.

RendeersDancingTowardsChristmas · 27/12/2023 11:42

Tell them to jog on, this is 2023 not 1823.

C8H10N4O2 · 27/12/2023 11:45

He has had over four months to get his act together and build a comms/transition plan.
Surely as a large, client facing company they have standard protocols in place for managing this type of situation? Send him on the training usually provided for new managers in large organisations.

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