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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Too much contribution?

21 replies

MondayBags678 · 27/12/2023 07:56

We hosted Xmas for mil and bil plus his wife sil and thier four sons aged 8-13
we never ask for any money towards the dinner and mil will bring a pudding or two (usually a homemade trifle and a home baked Xmas cake) very grateful for that
bil and wife are well off and financially stable as far as we know it’s dh brother and he gave him £70 towards food this year! Am I right in thinking that’s a lot? we never ask each other for any money towards hosting and we went there last year and gave him a contribution of £50 I think but kids were small and ate about one sausage each! I never get involved as they are brothers and I don’t do the food shopping or pay for it so I stay out of it! However I’m wondering if I should say to dh that I think he should give a bit back? Or not bother if they are happy to contribute that amount? And to be fair I don’t know how much hubby spent on food he ordered most online m&s and Sainsbury so could be a lot!

OP posts:
NorthCliffs · 27/12/2023 07:58

A tenner each seems fair. And the person who paid for the food seems to think it's reasonable. What's your problem?

wasanneofcleves · 27/12/2023 08:01

Well tbh you've started the expectation that there will be a financial contribution by doing it last year- they probably felt they were expected to contribute since you did it last year. I think it was probably silly to contribute financially last year unless you expected them to do the same this year. So I think it's fine and not much more you can do. It would be odd to reject their contribution when you expected them to accept yours last year.

FWIW that's probably only a small proportion of what it cost you to host- the turkey alone that we bought this year was £85.

AngelontopoftheTree · 27/12/2023 08:05

Sounds like a reasonable contribution to me 🤷‍♀️
Giving some of it back would be weird...

TeaKitten · 27/12/2023 08:06

You’d look silly making him give his brother a bit of money back. It’s a normal contribution if you are going to do it, and you gave money so they had to really.

Original poster
MondayBags678 · 27/12/2023 08:20

Sorry I should have said that we always give the host money as it feels cheeky not to. and we all used to go to mil for past decade! And we all gave her some money for it. However
its our first time hosting (we moved into a bigger house this year) I guess it’s my problem as I feel weird taking money from other people for food!
but I’d also feel weird not giving a contribution if I was the guest! I know it’s odd I can’t really explain it! I won’t say anything because I should just stay out of it, but, I just wondered that’s all! Seemed very generous but I didn’t realise that turkeys were so much!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MondayBags678 · 27/12/2023 08:21

TeaKitten · 27/12/2023 08:06

You’d look silly making him give his brother a bit of money back. It’s a normal contribution if you are going to do it, and you gave money so they had to really.

Yes I can see it would look and sound ridiculous
I guess I just felt uncomfortable
but we do the same if we go to them or mil so I don’t know why I feel weird about taking a contribution

OP posts:
festivepains · 27/12/2023 08:23

You can't have it both ways. If they want to contribute as they feel cheeky not contributing just the same as you do then accept it graciously. Don't give any back that's insulting.

wasanneofcleves · 27/12/2023 08:23

MondayBags678 · 27/12/2023 08:20

Sorry I should have said that we always give the host money as it feels cheeky not to. and we all used to go to mil for past decade! And we all gave her some money for it. However
its our first time hosting (we moved into a bigger house this year) I guess it’s my problem as I feel weird taking money from other people for food!
but I’d also feel weird not giving a contribution if I was the guest! I know it’s odd I can’t really explain it! I won’t say anything because I should just stay out of it, but, I just wondered that’s all! Seemed very generous but I didn’t realise that turkeys were so much!!!

To be fair that was for a free range turkey. But the "higher welfare turkey" on offer was about £40. We always host and I'm always amazed at how much we spend. It ends up being hundreds of pounds even with someone else bringing pudding. We enjoy it though and don't mind.

But yeah I think it's a bit of a non-issue tbh. The family tradition is for you to all financially contribute which is what they have done so 🤷‍♀️

FrenchandSaunders · 27/12/2023 08:23

He’s prob spent hundreds so that’s fine.

festivepains · 27/12/2023 08:23

Or next time say thank you we will give it to the food bank

Sisterpita · 27/12/2023 08:24

£10 a head seems reasonable to me for M & S Christmas food.

Silverbirchtwo · 27/12/2023 08:25

Does the contribution cover wine and other drinks too? Could easily be that much, our turkey was £80 this year and that was with a discount. It was very good though.

GenXisthebest · 27/12/2023 08:27

If you contributed £50 when your DC were little then £70 for tweens / teens seems like too little!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 08:42

Well you paid them £50 for three people last year and they paid you £70 for seven people. how is that overpayment?

Sugarfree23 · 27/12/2023 08:49

festivepains · 27/12/2023 08:23

Or next time say thank you we will give it to the food bank

Why would you actually say that to anyone?

You either accept graciously "you don't need to but thanks" or you insist "No you keep the money Christmas Dinner is on us".

It's like someone giving you a gift, "thanks - I'll just send it to the charity shop" you just wouldn't!

rookiemere · 27/12/2023 08:59

Have you added up how much you actually spent including electricity to cook the turkey etc ? It will easily cost £10 a head.

You gave them proportionally more money last year, so I can't see what the issue is.

Maybe next November you could agree as it's alternate hosting, there is no need for money to change hands. Or do what SIL did and asked me to bring the turkey crown which is a significant part of the cost.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 27/12/2023 09:05

I’m not sure you can gauge if it’s too much or too little if you don’t know how much your husband spent on food, drink, canapés, crackers, table decs etc. I would just ask him!
The price can go into hundreds for that many people and so £70 isn’t a lot at all. (Also a bit jealous that your husband did all the food shopping, hate that bit!)

Chasingsquirrels · 27/12/2023 09:28

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 08:42

Well you paid them £50 for three people last year and they paid you £70 for seven people. how is that overpayment?

This is what I keep coming back to as well. Was reading through the thread thinking exactly the same.

Gardeningtime · 27/12/2023 09:28

issue is it’s now a thing, so you need to match next year, or increase with inflation. I think uou started it, and your husband took the money, so no easy way out now.

ChocolateTVandbaby · 27/12/2023 09:33

We've never giving contributions to dinner for any occasion in our family but sounds and I wouldn't think to as a guest dining with family if we were invited but I would never ever take it.

I don't think you can take back what you've given to DH but maybe you need to discuss what expectations are so someone is not getting upset every year. If you alternate who is hosting then why do you need to contribute?

ChocolateTVandbaby · 27/12/2023 09:34

Maybe next year if you host don't accept a contribution and then you can hopefully all going back to not taking money from one another if that is what you want?

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