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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be more ambitious career-wise?

11 replies

Seren2023 · 27/12/2023 07:51

As it is ‘betwixtmas’, this is a kind of taking stock post and thinking about what I really would like out of life. It is pretty long and musing…you may wish to skip this one! 😊😊

Before DC, I was moving slowly but steadily up career ladder (in education sector - so not big money but enough and it was more about job satisfaction !) I was career-oriented and proud to have made some career advancement.

Since having my first DC nine years ago, I have taken a step down in work and dropped additional responsibilities and worked fewer hours. This has worked well as it was my choice and I wanted to be able to spend time with DC. My DH works really long hours and sometimes is abroad so we decided I would be the one focusing on home life.

But now, I am feeling a niggle of dissatisfaction. Can I do more now? I see lots of people my age getting promotions and I am still in the same position as when I first started. I s’pose I an a bit envious and feel slightly embarrassed. Not sure why. I try to hold onto why I made the decision to have less responsibility at work for the benefit of me and family but wonder should I try to step back up? I have potentially 15 - 20 more years of working life. Or I am also thinking of completely changing sectors as a breath of fresh air but still working around 35 hours instead of 60 like I did pre-children.

Will we all be happier if I continue to make home my focus? Both parents can’t be out at work 12 - 15 hours per day but maybe I can do more when DC go to secondary…? But tbh, it takes up so much time just to do the bulk of washing, cleaning, cooking etc… and keep up with my job, I am not sure if I can take on more. DH does his share when here but proportionate to working hours.

Sorry this is a long post. Thank you for reading. I am very unsure!

OP posts:
BugsyDrakeTableScape · 27/12/2023 07:57

Will we all be happier if I continue to make home my focus?

I'll answer that bit first - your whole post suggests that the answer to this is no because you are not happy.

There are lots of options which may give you the fulfilment you're looking for - different jobs, more responsibility, training etc. And even looking at the options might give you some more ideas. You can get help at home - including from your family. It doesn't have to be all in you.

Dontsparethehorses · 27/12/2023 07:58

If you want a change/ next step go for it but don’t feel like you ‘should’ or ‘have to’. It is harder and there are things you can’t do for your family if both parents are working, ultimately those balance out if it is something you want or enjoy…

OurfriendsintheNE · 27/12/2023 08:09

It sounds like you’re feeling dissatisfied more than just that you should want something different to what you have now? If you’re happy there’s absolutely nothing wrong with sticking to the status quo but if you feel like you’re holding back from something that you want for the sake of family then now may well be the time to start to think how you can get more out of your work for yourself.

Babyblackbear78 · 27/12/2023 08:11

You have the itch!

Go for it, even if you try and it doesn’t work out, it’s better than not trying and spending the rest of your life wondering ‘what if….’

Eekmystro · 27/12/2023 08:16

I’m in a similar situation. I’ve decided to keep things as they are until my children are of an age to be able to be home alone for a few hours (eg not require school holiday care/after school
care). I chose this because we live in a small town where the care option are minimised and we already struggle with me working how I do now.

It is frustrating but also I do love that I get to pick them up from school 3 days, and can go to school event without lots of stress. I think I prefer the current set up to missing that.

My DH and I have spoken about me applying for F/t and or higher positions but in the end I chose not to. It would be easier if my DH didn’t put earn me by so much, but as it is, even if I got a few promotions he still earns 2-3 times what I could. That’s not something to sniff at, and I’ve never had so much financial stability.

Eekmystro · 27/12/2023 08:17

Babyblackbear78 · 27/12/2023 08:11

You have the itch!

Go for it, even if you try and it doesn’t work out, it’s better than not trying and spending the rest of your life wondering ‘what if….’

This is a good point. Why not try. It’s not like you can’t change plans again if it ends up not being the right decision for you.

squashedalmondcroissant · 27/12/2023 08:17

This isn't advice about your situation necessarily but more solidarity with your take on things.

I worked in a very high stress but not very well paid career. Anti social hours, very long shifts, no breaks, harsh working conditions etc etc. I was forced to take a break from it due to caring responsibilities and tbh when I returned after a couple of years I felt quite bitter and resentful that I was sacrificed so much of my precious life and time to a career that I didn't find particularly enjoyable or fulfilling and wasn't even well paid! Covid made it even worse because I realised that without work I had very little in my life. No partner, no friends, very few hobbies and interests I could pursue.

Since then I've moved sideways into a related position and even though it still has its downsides I now have a reasonable amount of hours, actual breaks and a much better work/life balance. I now have all the things I couldn't maintain before and I'm so much happier for it. Yes, sometimes I get a bit down about the fact I haven't 'achieved' more and I could always do with more money but tbh I have zero interest in going back to that kind of life and I tell people that if they try to get me to be more ambitious! I just don't care any more, I want my life and my time to myself 😂

Singleandproud · 27/12/2023 08:23

You get 20(ish) years to raise children and 40 years to work. If you dont need the money, and you could be financially stable on your own if you had to and are managing to juggle your current work-life balance then I think you are on to a winner already. Perhaps do some training courses etc to upskill ready to move on when your children are older.

If you need something more without it impacting the children too much you could volunteer at their groups too or start developing your own hobbies as they get older.

Original poster
Seren2023 · 27/12/2023 09:34

Thank you for contributions. 🌷
You have given me food for thought. Overall, I think I am happy as I am right now but might change when DC are a bit older.

OP posts:
Angrycat2768 · 27/12/2023 09:41

Seren2023 · 27/12/2023 07:51

As it is ‘betwixtmas’, this is a kind of taking stock post and thinking about what I really would like out of life. It is pretty long and musing…you may wish to skip this one! 😊😊

Before DC, I was moving slowly but steadily up career ladder (in education sector - so not big money but enough and it was more about job satisfaction !) I was career-oriented and proud to have made some career advancement.

Since having my first DC nine years ago, I have taken a step down in work and dropped additional responsibilities and worked fewer hours. This has worked well as it was my choice and I wanted to be able to spend time with DC. My DH works really long hours and sometimes is abroad so we decided I would be the one focusing on home life.

But now, I am feeling a niggle of dissatisfaction. Can I do more now? I see lots of people my age getting promotions and I am still in the same position as when I first started. I s’pose I an a bit envious and feel slightly embarrassed. Not sure why. I try to hold onto why I made the decision to have less responsibility at work for the benefit of me and family but wonder should I try to step back up? I have potentially 15 - 20 more years of working life. Or I am also thinking of completely changing sectors as a breath of fresh air but still working around 35 hours instead of 60 like I did pre-children.

Will we all be happier if I continue to make home my focus? Both parents can’t be out at work 12 - 15 hours per day but maybe I can do more when DC go to secondary…? But tbh, it takes up so much time just to do the bulk of washing, cleaning, cooking etc… and keep up with my job, I am not sure if I can take on more. DH does his share when here but proportionate to working hours.

Sorry this is a long post. Thank you for reading. I am very unsure!

Im in a similar place as you. My workplace is doing a 'Midlife MOT trial thing which I joined. I have done the wellbeing stuff and the money stuff but really cant be bothered to do the 'career' stuff. I am instead working to stuff as much as I can into my pension. Can't be bothered with promotions anymore. I am earning less than I did before I had DC 15 years ago. I remember having to mark GCSE mock exams on my first week of maternity leave, and said baby is now about to sit his own GCSE's! I was at middle management level when I went on ML. At the time you couldn't do it part time, and I went PT when DS1 was born. I still only work 4 days a week ( although at the moment I'm doing loads of overtime due to staff shortages, so I'm full time). I
would say that I never really regained my ambition, but if you have, I would go for it. Kids are a bit more independent at secondary school. I was about to drop my hours for exams etc but DC's only really need me to tell them to get off their devices and start their homework at 5pm. I did move into a different field, but still in education, so again, its a bit different and more flexible.

Angrycat2768 · 27/12/2023 09:49

I was going to add I used to be a Quality Manager in my old life and I do have a wry smile when I get observed by others now. Luckily they are all older than me and the criteria has changed about 100 times! I nod my head and don't tell them I used to do their job because I don't want to be asked to do it again!

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