HELP! AIBU not be speaking to in-laws?

[TheSilent1]

I don't really know how to word this right or explain it properly as soo much has happened. Sorry its a long one!!

Basically me and DH split last year (it's very complicated!) I have health conditions which have deteriorated over the last 2 years and for the last year we were together I was struggling with everything. I used to take NIL to school with my younger 2 while her mum worked or because she didn't drive and struggled to do the walk, and I was trying to look after SILs DD (NIL) from 6am to 9am on SILs working days (NIL was 4 ATT my youngest DS was 7) but I was struggling to do it every day. Walking with aids is a struggle, driving was a struggle (I cant drive anymore), everyday tasks are a struggle. I was getting some help and the person who I was talking to made a referral to adult social care to see if there's any help they could offer, especially emotional support coming to terms with my conditions etc, but in the process I had a family support assessment which included a SS check to make sure my children were okay. All came back fine apart from there was concerns raised about me looking after 4yo NIL and doing the school runs (they had already been to school and been told by school that NIL gets taken to school by me, so when asked if I still take her to school I couldn't lie as they had already been told by school that I do) when I was struggling to drive using one hand because my other arm is crap basically, so a report to SS was made for a phone call to SIL and DH to make alternative arrangements for the children to be taken to school. This naturally made all the shit hit the fan because I was accused of reporting them to SS (even though I sent H the email from FSO that states I didn't raise any concerns over NIL it was a safeguarding issue they raised over me looking after her/taking her to school) so everyone dropped me, univited me to the family gatering that was happening 2 days after and no one was talking to me. Even H was pissed at me.

The following week I got a call from FSO saying a SS report has been put in by MIL and SIL over one of my teenagers mental health/self harming (apparently she had cuts all over her and scabs on her feet from S/H) me neglecting her needs basically (which isn't true, yes she had a bit of teenager emotions 2yrs ago when she started in year 7 - that's normal, but every time me and her dad check in with her she just says she's okay and seemed fine and wasn't showing any signs of struggling mentally or S/H) and then once ILs realised it was literally a phone call from SS to ask for alternative arrangements everyone wanted me to forgive and forget the fact that they tried to report me to SS for neglect (nothing came of it btw as SS spoke to and checked feet of said DD and found nothing) and want me to start talking to them again.

It's been just over a year since I last went there and H has been begging me to talk things over with MIL (I said it's complicated 🫣 and he said he can't consider getting back with me even though he wants to, if I'm not talking to his mum) as apparently she rang and reported it to school because she wanted to get my DD the help she needed etc and to offer support. Which I already know isn't true as if she was concerned about her then surely she'd talk to me or her dad to raise her concerns first not wait 2yrs then report it when I can no longer look after NIL.

There's lots more to this story including finding out since then loads of things that have been said and thought about me by ILs over the last 2 years (plus more!!) including saying my middle DD should go live with them ever since H moved out!! I've never stood up to these people in the 18yrs I've been in the family no matter how many times they've disrespected me or over stepped my boundaries deliberately, and now I don't have to deal with that but for some stupid reason feel guilty about not talking to MIL because she's getting old and has her own health problems, but the way it messed my head up finding out what they thought of me while I was doing nothing but helping everyone out while struggling myself and more so the fact they tried to report me to SS for nothing, I can't just move on from that. So am I being unreasonable for not talking to them? Or should I hear MIL out? I haven't spoken about this to ILs since it happened. Not even when I first found out about their reports.

It sounds like an absolute shitshow that you are better off away from. Look after yourself and continue to ignore them.

Ive had one major fall out with my mum ages ago. The best thing I did was put my big shoes on and go and clear the air. I found out not only did it affect my mental health it was unknowningly affecting other family members the bad vibes. Life is to to short. We aren't here forever. Clear the air, move on and start again that's what I would do 😊

They did something unforgiveable. You haven't forgiven them. DH wants you to paper over the cracks and be nice to people who wish you ill. He's a dick too.

I agree with @Ladyj84 that’s the ideal outcome. It’s whether you can trust them again

You are separated. I presume you don’t want to get back together with your ex. It’s his family. He can deal with them. There’s no reason for you to continue a relationship with ex-inlaws who you acknowledge as deliberately disrespecting you. You need to parent with the kids father. His family is not relevant in your future.

Everything is so difficult. I've only ever been in 2 relationships and my husband is all I know. I don't want to lose what we could have, but I also don't see how I can trust his family again. Sit around a table drinking tea pretending like they didn't do me dirty like that, when I did nothing wrong. What's that teaching my DC? that it's okay for people to treat you that way then you'll just forgive and forget. I also don't think DH loves me enough if he's basing our marriage on whether I talk to certain people or not. He doesn't talk to my brother because my brother had an issue with him and yet its been years and I never pester my DH about that because my brother was in the wrong and he's his own person and I don't decide who he talks to, so why should he decide who I talk to? None of it makes sense and like I said, it's very complicated. My DC wants me to go round as they miss me being there, but how can I pretend what they tried to do didn't ruin me emotionally? !

I would agree with Ladyj84 except…it doesn’t sound like you are necessarily in a good enough place yourself to stand up to any emotional pressure they might put on you. If you think you have the resilience to walk out if they cant have a civil discussion if, for instance, you bring up their malicious report or if they ask you to do something for them and you say “no” then going to see them is a bad idea. But if you think you’re in a place where you can put your anger at what happened aside AND still not fall back into your old role of putting their needs before yours, then trying to clear the air is a good idea.

As an aside, please rethink any idea you might have about getting back with your ex. I assume you mention his ultimatum because it’s something you think is a reason to try and make up with MiL. Bu he’s trying to coerce you into capitulating to his family. This isn’t a reasonable stipulation and suggests he will happily hold your relationship hostage any time he wants you to do something that you don’t want to do. He didn’t have your back when Social Services said you needed safeguarding. He is pushing a story about your MiL’s motivations you know to be untrue. He isn’t on your side.

Keep ignoring them. They're awful people. If your DH is only agreeing to get back with you if you do what he wants then he's just as manipulative. You're best off without all of them!

It sounds to me like they were using you, and then tried to destroy you when you were no longer available to be used. Not even your fault or decision.

They went after your children and I don’t think you can get around that. I could never forgive them nor trust them again.

Ypu don't need toxic people in your life. It's fine to stay out of contact with the inlaws for as long as you are split from (d)H. If you never get back together then you never need to see or soeak to them again. If you were to consider getting back with (d)H then an important part of his role will be shielding you from their toxicity, being on your side in the event of any further trouble and not taking any of their shit. If he can't do that then do not consider getting back together. If he cannot put his spouse as a higher priority than his mum and sister then he is not capable of being a spouse.

It’s really not so complicated. Usually when things feel complicated it’s because there is a bunch of bullshit involved that we want to explain away.

Don't let fear be the reason you go back to 18 years of disrespect. Not one of them (including your DH was there for you while you were attempting to get outside support, in fact you were the one helping out your SIL. They all turned on you like a pack of Hyenas, and made an already difficult situation worse, and caused no end of new problems for you to bare.

Why on earth would you want to want to put yourself in the position to be everyone's donkey, and accept apologies that would be given just so you could go back to being the family dogsbody again. Just to get back with a man so weak and manipulative that he'll only get back with you if you do what his family want.

I say you have the perfect excuse to bin the lot of them for good, and just parent with him just as far as is needed, and no more. Put 100% of your energies into yourself and DC where it's needed.

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Please don’t capitulate for your ds. I understand he wants you there. However, he will grow and in time understand your boundary. Your husband is manipulative and this ultimatum is coercively controlling. Your teenager is watching what you do and I imagine knows the full story. You are better off without all of them. My concern would be what they’re telling your youngest. Do your teens go along as well?

I don’t think this is a family capable of rational discussion.

I don’t know if putting your side forward in a short and polite email would give you closure?

Whatever you do, don’t get together with your ex. He has shown you whose side he is on and who he would back in future arguments.

All the dynamics here sound toxic. Including the one between your brother and your ex. Be careful what you expose your kids to. They need to learn about healthy relationships with others from somewhere.

It sounds like these people use you a lot, OP. SIL used you for childcare, did MIL use you for company or housework?

Your H is basically blackmailing you by saying he won’t get back together with you unless you become his family’s skivvy again. Do you love him? Why did you split? I’m guessing you did all work?

I think your instinct to stay away from these people is spot on. They watched you do those school runs even though it was a struggle for you.

Your dc can visit their DGPs, they’ve probably been coached by H or in laws to tell you to go with them.

Please prioritise yourself.

@Mummyoflittledragon Yes they do. My 3rd DD hardly goes as never feels comfortable there and feels her sister gets recognised by everyone else there while she's left sat there with no conversation. She's 12. Her sister is 14. My DS is 8 and goes because he loves his DF dearly.

They have been awful to you OP - and I think the confusion over the SS safeguarding call was a blessing in disguise. If they hadn't gotten the wrong end of the stick and attempted to make your life hell, you would never have found out what they (and I include your husband in this) really think of you.

Now you know: you are the family maid, expected to slave, help, put up and shut up.

Basically, you are Cinderella.

Why would you go back to that??? Congratulations on breaking free!

@mottytotty Yes I love him. That's why this is all so hard. He didn't agree with what they did and was mad at them for a good while but then obviously moved on because they're family and his DM explained she was trying to help (even though she had initially lied and said school rang her to ask if she had any concerns for my children - not true as I spoke to head mistress who has no reason to lie and doesn't share MILs concerns for my DD because she used to be a pupil there for 3years and it was MIL that rang school to make the report)

Yes I did all the work re house/children etc. And that is part of the reason we split but we also drifted apart because I didn't agree to move in with MIL last year. Re MIL, we did 2 houses up for her (I posted last year about a 5yr plan on here when it was being considered) and Yes I used to help clean but we also used to keep her company as well as do the school runs or look after NIL when MIL was in Meetings WFH. We had a good relationship as long as I didn't speak out about anything. We've had bad times and good times. It's difficult.

She has said she's sorry for what she did and she misses me and the laughs we had and just wants things to go back to the way they were (which we are all clear that I can no longer do the things I used to because my health has deteriorated so it's not like I would be able to be doing things for anyone anymore) and us to be a family again.

My DH is stuck in the middle which I get. Must be hard for him having me being mad about it and his DM being upset by it all, so I think he's trying to find ways of finding peace and making things right to keep everyone happy and together. It's exhausting 😪

Just ignore them and carry on the best you can. They're not bringing anything good to the table, only you did and they miss your help.

@TheSilent1 So has your H changed? Or will you still be left doing everything? Is your life easier without him to look after?

@Nanny0gg this is a difficult question. Yes there's been change and I can no longer do the things I used to do so I wouldn't be able to go back to doing everything. My older DDs are now classed as young carers and DH has helped out a lot more the last few months and he is now left with all the school runs because I can't drive, would never manage the walk and don't have an electric wheelchair atm. But he is a very heavy sleeper and for years I stressed myself out every morning trying to get him up and I don't know if I can deal with that amount of stress every morning again. Obviously that sounds horrible because it's not his fault he's a heavy sleeper. I'm a very light sleeper (when I actually sleep 😂 usually I just doze throughout the night) and wake up to little movements etc even though I'm 3/4 deaf I sense stuff and wake up. But I don't mean it horribly and I do love him and feel bad that the kids miss him dearly and keep asking him to come home 😢

How does he manage to get up for work then?

There are things he can do to make sure he gets up

@Nanny0gg Someone has to wake him up and it always takes time. He currently lives with MIL, younger SIL and my eldest DD (18 and is a carer/helper for MIL) He is also partially deaf and hard to wake up. If no one gets him up, he'll just sleep until 10:30am ish. Always had a sleep problem too from when he was a boy. He's been late for important things before because he struggles to get up in the morning. Also works from home so can start the day when he pleases which is great as it enables him to be more flexible with start times and school runs.

He currently lives with MIL, younger SIL and my eldest DD (18 and is a carer/helper for MIL) He is also partially deaf and hard to wake up. If no one gets him up, he'll just sleep until 10:30am ish.

Three generations of women running around after a sleepy man. I knew a bloke with a similar sleep issue. He had a watch that buzzed, a really loud alarm across the room, lots of things. He didn't need or want babysitting.

Please don't let these people ruin your life any more than they have.