To think that going low contact is better than no contact?

[Ladyritacircumference]

Just that really. Following on from my post about Christmas descending in to chaos…

I need to go low contact with my family. I have a background of diagnosed autism ADHD, depression and anxiety.

I love my family, but they are not nice. Is there techniques I can use to go low contact, without causing offence. I also have two adult children who I don’t want to draw in to any conflict.

There is a long history of them minimising my mental health and neuro divergence issues. I have actual diagnoses of these and been with the community team/crisis team for years. It is not about feeling’a bit sad’ and buying a diary and making a budget will never cure it.

How do I communicate that people or, my mother. are welcome to come round as long as they are not going to criticise the cleanliness and tidiness of my house. I know it is messy, being rude about it isn’t going to change it!

I have never banned her from my house, I did tell her to leave because she was being unpleasant and told her not to return if she was going to do that. She huffed off and didn’t return for years

If your sure that's what you want to do...sadly with the illnesses you have people just trying to help can be perceived as nasty,bullying, controversial etc etc when it's actually not. Just remember family is support when things go bad or when absaloutely needed aswell

I find it is easier to just do a slow fade and disengage. no contact gives people ammunition because you have to make declarations. Just shifting your boundaries will upset them, but it’s harder for them to complain about you.

Instead of worrying that your mother will criticize you in your home, decide to only meet outside of the home for now for brief visits. When the conversation turns, it is time for you to leave.

you don’t have to engage with every phone call and text message. You don’t have to meet up any more often than you would like. Your wishes can be considered for meetings.

you don’t need to tell them the rules are changing, just start changing the rules. Then the key is to stop caring. It is hard, but it is possible. You can always mute you phone.

In suppose it's the difference between having diminished pain or being pain free. I know which I'd choose.

I went low contact with some of my family, including my mother. My visits have decreased from 3/4 days 2/3 times a year to one visit a year for one night. I say I can’t get time off work if she pushes me. Or the dog is ill. Or the car is causing trouble. That way I’m not being directly hurtful and saying I don’t want to see her.
I have also limited phone calls to once a month. The rest of the time I don’t answer. Again, if she pushes me I say I was at work/ driving/in the bath.

I was so stressed by frequent contact with her. A phone call leaves me upset for several days. A visit in person almost always descends into arguing. By minimising the number of those interactions I feel like I can tolerate them better and as a result they are more positive for both of us (though still awful for me).

It’s not a perfect solution but it is definitely easier for me. She is a deeply unpleasant and self absorbed woman who has no care for me, so I need to protect myself from that, while at the same time satisfying myself that she is coping Ok with aging and living alone.