my baby’s father having time to see his son

[mamaxox]

i apologise in advanced for bad punctuation.

So for a backstory i fell pregnant at 17, I’m 18 now but i fell pregnant with someone who i’ve never been in a relationship with so don’t really know all that much and have no trust with. Anyways when i told him i was pregnant he didn’t want to keep the baby and was adamant that an abortion was the only thing to do so after i told him my decision was final of me keeping the baby me and him stopped communicating but i started being in contact with his mum. When i met her she said she’d like to be apart of baby’s life which was fine by me. Mid way through my pregnancy me and baby’s father spoke one last time before baby was born and he said he wanted nothing to do with the baby which i couldn’t really care less about because that was his intentions right from the beginning.
After my baby boy was born in november of this year, the father wanted to be in my sons life with which i was fine with happening as i couldn’t imagine my son being short of a dad. Things turned sour pretty fast and now me and him are no longer in communication as it turns to an argument in no time. He has seen our son a handful of time while i’ve been there and once overnight but while my son was away overnight i don’t want to leave him alone since due to poor communication and also being unsafe on a couple occasions which resulted in an argument between me and him and him refusing to apologise.

So this is the part where i’m wondering if i’m being unreasonable. A few days ago i met up with his mum for coffee and a chat, which was going fine until she said it was pretty much unfair of me not to let them have my son for a few hours at least each week and saying how their family haven’t even met him yet because of me and they want to “build a bond” with him. which i’m not comfortable with if i’m not there as i don’t know any of them whatsoever and don’t know what they’re like (she turned around and said the same thing about my family) then when i said it’s more just a trust thing she said that’s what happens when you have a baby to someone you’re not in a relationship with. We also tried to come to a time and day which would be suitable for them to have a few hours with my son for themselves but i was supposedly being difficult because the days and times they chose weren't suited to me with those days and times being weekends and 6-9pm which for me especially the 6-9pms is a no because that’s when we will be winding down getting ready for bed. But in general nothing in regards to them seeing my son is ever in my control it always has to be a day and time that suit my baby’s father with my thoughts not necessarily being put into actual consideration. I know this will seem bad but i’m also really reluctant to let baby’s father into his life just as of everything to do during my pregnancy and him not caring what so ever as i was left to do everything on my own. Then after my sons born he just wants to prance in and pretend he was there the whole time. also in regards to my feeling toward baby’s dad during my pregnancy his mum also told me to just drop as i can’t keep circling back to when i was pregnant but i feel as if i have every right too.

so to come to an end am i being unreasonable? and any advice on how to move forward?

Is he on the birth certificate?
His mother has no rights at all and shouldn't be interfering.
You are under no obligation to leave your child with anyone. You have said you have concerns about safety.
If you were feeling generous you could agree to meeting his mum in a public place for short visits.
Don't make life difficult for yourself.

Your baby is only a few weeks old. Visits with the father should be short and frequent in a space where baby is comfortable. Basically, that father should be coming to you for visits of 30-60 minutes a few times a week. You don’t have to let him leave with the baby. The time for these visits should work for the child’s schedule. You should also try to be reasonable with the fact that the father has work commitments.

if he consistently shows up for newborn visits, he can work his way up to outings and eventually having the baby at his place, but right now baby is too young.

have you filed for maintenance? It is separate from visitation, but I definitely wouldn’t be going through the hassle of dealing with him and not making sure that your baby has financial needs met.

His mother has no rights. You do what you think is best for your child and if they don’t like it tough

@mamaxox Congratulations on the birth of your son.

I am sorry your baby's father and his family are being so unkind and so unreasonable.

Firstly, you have one MAIN priority here, and that is to look after your son. This means you cannot leave him in the care of anyone you do not know, or do not trust. If he, or his family, wish to get to know the baby, they need to accept you will be present at the same time.

This man has said he wants nothing to do with the child. Does he pay support of any sort?

Whether he changes his mind or not, whether he pays support or not, whatever happens, you are under no obligation to provide him with access to your tiny baby unsupervised.

You have said you don't really know him and also you mentioned your son was unsafe with him. i wonder what it was that made him unsafe. If you have fears or worries, listen to them!

"He has seen our son a handful of time while i’ve been there and once overnight but while my son was away overnight i don’t want to leave him alone since due to poor communication and also being unsafe on a couple occasions ..."

A dad can be a very wonderful important part of a child's life, or a danger to them. Until you know what this man is, be very careful. You do not owe him anything.

I hope you will find your way ahead.

You are not unreasonable but if it were to get to family court you will be seen as such. The legal stance is baby's need relationship with their fathers. I left my ex when pregnant with our second because he hurt our first. Social services advised supervised contact only he took me to court it was my word against his and he got full weekends when baby was just 7 months.

My advice is drop the pregnancy baggage. You were not together he didn't have to support you. Move on from that. Then offer frequent regular contact at a time that suits baby but also that suits him. (My first two years of contact revolved around ex shift work judge didn't give a shit about baby routine or that such and arrangement meant I couldn't easily sort childcare to work or have a social life). You don't want to appear difficult if he end up taking you to court it will go badly. That said don't speak to him on the phone always always have evidence- emails are best but if you screenshot your texts and email them to yourself you keep it all together (set up a new email just for this stuff). You can for now insist on supervised as you don't know them and over time you can move on from that as you do know them. Just know court won't care he's a stranger he's the father so kid needs him, it will probably be seen as your fault he's a stranger for being difficult organising contact.

I will bet anything he would never have wanted part of baby life if his mother hadn't pushed him. If you ever get to unsupervised contact he will be palming baby off on his mum anyway. I would think long and hard about if you want nan in baby life because if Nan in baby life she will always pressure her son and you may never be rid of him (of course he may turn out to be a great dad don't forget). So you can either cut Nan out now as she has no legal rights and hope he gives up or make contact for Nan super easy and build trust with her so she can have baby unsupervised which is probably what she really wants.

When it comes to child arrangements it's not about who is unreasonable anymore it's about what is best for the child and how to achieve that. So yeah I say you are completely reasonable for feeling as you do but you have to move past that you have years and years till baby am adult