MIL Revelation

[thatsallfolks89]

DH had an accident on the 31st October this year. He was out riding his motorbike when and was on his way home when he felt a seizure coming on (hadn't had any in 17 years so came out of the blue). Paramedic phoned said he was conscious and breathing at the scene but a bit later it was revealed he'd fitted multiple times which eventually led to him being hooked up to a ventilator as his body couldn't fight them off.

DH was born with Hydrocephalus as a baby (known as water on the brain) and had to have a shunt fitted in 1985 to drain it. It stopped working in 1994 and was told it wouldn't benefit him to have it replaced. Since then he had symptoms of shunt malfunction but doctors dismissed them as his scans were fine and showed nothing.

While on hospital they performed a procedure that checked the pressure on his brain and there was a lot of it. Doctor told him he'd never seen anything like it in his career and couldn't understand how it had come to this. He has since had his shunt replaced but has had a couple of seizures since and is showing symptoms of traumatic brain injury which I find quite scary.

On his discharge notes it read that he's had severe Hydrocephalus since 2014 but that can't be right as if there was that much pressure he wouldn't have survived this long. He's since had a review and his consultant said it was most likely due to the shunt malfunctioning that caused all those seizures.

If this isn't bad enough we've just found out his mum, my MIL took our 3 year old DD to the scene of the accident and I'm beside myself. She didn't ask me if she could she just took her. I can understand the need for her to go to her son but I wish she'd have spared her the experience. Since then she's not slept by herself and is very upset. We know it's normal for her to be, so we've just comforted her the best we could. Her dad spent 10 days in hospital and that's the longest she's been apart from him. We thought it was that but now this revelation has shone a new light on her behaviour. AIBU to think she could be experiencing trauma from being at the scene? How do I help her?

It's more likely she is picking up the (undersandable) tension and anxiety from you OP and your DH. At 3 it's unlikely she understood what was going on other than it was abnormal to her (although she may have felt MIL's distress) and probably will not remember it in future.

Under intense stress people do odd things. If she had been calm and rational your MIL probably wouldn't have taken her there. I'm sorry you both have been through this awful experience, but your MIL is going through it too. It's unfair to take this one atypical situation/reaction as an example of her behaviour as a whole.

As in, took your child to the scene of the accident while your husband was still there, injured?

What did DD see? That's important. How in control of DD (on her watch) was MIL taking her to the scene and displaying emotional reactions or saying things that DD might remember and could play on her mind. I understand the need to get there but she should have had a second thought for your DD and made sure she was kept away from the scene and protected her from what she actually went on to expose her to.

Firstly, my husband has hydrocephalus and yes, it's rare but possible to have long term high pressure. Doctors estimated that my husband had pressure issues for over a year before things got acute enough for symptoms that led to his shunt being changed. He has long term damage from earlier shunt issues.

Your mother in law was really out of line taking your daughter to the scene. BUT, how quickly did she get there? If you lived moments away I could understand her not thinking and just running. Also, how long since the accident before she admitted your daughter was there??

Just comfort your daughter as best you can. It must have been horrible. If you think she'd benefit from something more specialist, speak to your GP and get a mental health referral. I'm imagining a play therapist might be good to work through what happened.

YABU. That's HER SON. Any mother would do the same if there weren't options, and she shouldn't be pulled up on it. Your child will be fine with the right care.

Her not being able to understand or process it is probably the worst part. She witnessed her dad as the victim in the scene of a terrible accident, suddenly didn't have him at home, and no one gave her a debrief. I can't believe the people here saying what you don't understand can't hurt you. That's so backwards. She needs help, please get it for her.

Adding that my husband's scans looked normal initially until compared with the last known set of working scans. It was highlighted then that his normal water pressure is far far lower than normal because he has massive narrowing on his ventricles. Once this was discovered, he was straight into surgery.

If you need more information or want someone to talk to, my PMs are open.

Your mil has been in complete panic mode and needed to get to her son which I think I'd have wanted to do the same. In a calm cool head she'd have thought better of it but in the moment with all the panic and fear and adrenaline she's acted on auto pilot would be my guess. I'd cut her some slack on that front. It's nightmare news no parent wants to get at any age.

In terms of your wee one, I think yes, she's witnessed something fearful, unfamiliar, where her caregivers have been upset and frightened and that is all scary for a small child. She's then had changes at home with dh being in hospital and all the worry and running that comes with that. She will come round, I think my earliest memory is about 3 years old, but keeping her close, reassuring her and following her lead will get her back on track. I'd just go with what she's putting out there for now, if she needs to be close to you then I'd meet that need best you can. Lots of vocal reassurance, maybe reading some books about parents being in hospital, talking about the wonderful doctors and nurses helping daddy get better to help normalise it, looking at photos or videos of daddy if he's not up to video calls with her or visits. It'll just take time she's had a scare but she will be able to move on past it with your support. Look after yourself as well op, that sounds so incredibly stressful and no doubt you're juggling a lot right now. Hope he recovers well and soon.

Was DH present at the scene of the accident? I’d want to know what she had witnessed exactly and explain that DD hasn’t slept alone since and you’ve been concerned she experienced trauma, along with picking up on the worry whilst DH was in hospital.

yes it was awful for DD to witness but having MIL may have been reassuring for your DH and MIL.

My husband had a life changing accident 2 years ago. My daughter was 3 at the time too, and DH was in hospital for a while - i was with him for 4 nights too. It's definitely had an impact, she won't sleep unless she's next to us both - I'm assuming is being away for a while upset her along with all the medical issues etc. could this be similar for your daughter too?

I know if my ds had never slept away from me then suddenly had to for 10 days it would really impact him. I'm not sure it's to do with DD being taken to the scene. It could be but I think it's more that everything just now is a bit manic and not her normal life

How did DH only just find out dd was taken there? Did he not see his mum there?

I'm in no way saying she's in the wrong for wanting to be where her son was. It was traumatic for all of us. When the paramedic rang me though he said DH was conscious and breathing and there was no need to worry. From what's she's told us recently, she wanted to go to make sure his motorbike didn't get stolen. She says the air ambulance was there along with a ground ambulance and paramedics were working on him as by this point he was still fitting and had to be ventilated. She told us she was frantic because she wanted to see him but couldn't as they were working on him and nobody was allowed in. She'd got back into the car and was shaking so I can only imagine she's picked up on how bad it is. It was no one's fault but it doesn't stop me worrying about DD. She won't talk about it in detail, just says daddy had an accident and it made her feel sad. However, she does role play about it.

MIL lived half an hour to forty minutes away from where the accident happened.

DH had symptoms of shunt failure for years. He was having seizures but GPs but it down to drinking. The consultant at the hospital told him it wasn't because he was drinking that was causing them. He went back to the GP this year complaining of neck pain and she was about to refer him to Neurology but because she spoke to one of her colleagues she advised him to do neck exercises instead. Nor did he have regular check ups. He was just left hanging and he had to badger doctors to send him for scans each time. We were told recently by the charity Shine that 25% of shunt failures weren't detected on scans. I wish we'd known that sooner.

MIL only told us two days ago.

I don't understand, are you saying MIL withheld medical information? Re taking your DD to the scene of the accident, it's really quite understandable in my view that she rushed over there.