PIL Approach

[Chrimb0953]

Parents in law always been well meaning but have high expectations and are overbearing e.g expecting visits every weekend, trying to take control of our business at times etc. Nipped it in the bud a while back by speaking to them in private (really difficult to do) but and things have been better. Fastforward to now, and we've just told them I'm pregnant and first thing MIL said was a comment about the baby's nationality (for context I'm English, partner is welsh). She is thrilled that in her eyes the baby is welsh because it will be born in Wales. It just hit a nerve, because it feels like it has to be all about Wales and that my nationality is irrelevant. Both my partner and I put her right straight but she still expressed her delight that the baby will be born in Wales. Later on in the eve the subject cane up again and i really expressed how I felt rightly or wrong lyrics. She just always seems to say things that get to me. Other examples of difficulties include her always wanting to buy things that I've bought e.g. oh 'nice side tables' can i buy the same ones, lack of sense of humour, always chatting about local people that I haven't any idea about, so I just end up sitting there. It's just been so difficult feeling relaxed around their family with these types of issues cropping up, I'm always so tense around them. Plus they are a far bigger family than mine, much louder (mine is tiny, much quieter and with split parents), and I constantly feel like I'm fighting to keep my identity.

Am I being unreasonable? Any ideas on how to deal with these types of things?

You're all just British. What a load of nonsense.

Sounds very petty all round really.

And making conversation about local people is better than making none at all, surely?

Your PIL talking about their friends is not unreasonable - the conversation does not always have to be about you. And why can't they be proud that their GDC will be Welsh? I think that's nice. It's not like they are forcing you to travel to Wales to have the baby there. They

I would tackle every comment/overstep-sweat the small stuff as an ex manager used to say. She will be a ruddy trauma if you don’t put in boundaries now before the baby is born. I used to live in Cardiff and am English. I found some of my colleagues very nationalistic, a bit like the people I grew up with up north in England. I could not care less where people are from, be proud, for sure, but don’t bang on like it’s the be all and end all that you’re this or that nationality.

It sounds to me OP like you just really don't like your DH's family. Your MIL has every right to be pleased that your baby will be born in Wales, and if you actually chose to live in Wales, then you should be proud of that and embrace it too. We've just had to move back to England having lived for 8 years in Wales, but we loved every minute there, and while there did our absolute best to support the Welsh way of life. It's no wonder a lot of Welsh people don't like the English if this is the way you behave. Your child will always be yours and will naturally take on a part of your heritage, but if you've chosen to have a child with a Welsh partner, then you have to accept that your baby will be half Welsh too.

Also, if you don't like them talking about the local people, then put a bit of effort into making conversation yourself, and don't just sit there expecting to be entertained. You say you have a business, so you must have things to talk about with respect to that, and now you have a new baby to look forward to. You might actually find that if you make a bit more effort toward your in-laws, that you actually get to like them. You sound like you're very standoffish, and that won't make you popular with anyone.

Give her, and yourself, a break OP. Welsh people are fewer in number and like to claim who they can for their own (my partner is Welsh). I bet your mum also talks about her friends/neighbours/others who your DH doesn't know when they are around.
you don't have to like your PILs but you don't have to die on every hill with them over small things, just let it wash over you, you can't become the smalltalk police, it's pointless.
sometimes just smiling and waving is exactly the right thing to do

Pick your battles, keep your distance. The only power she has over you is the power you give her.

Actually I think it is tactless to go on and on about a child being born in a different country to one of the parents. If you had posted that you were Welsh and MIL English you would have got a much stronger reaction IMO.

My SIL stayed with her parents for the birth of her 1st child so that they would be born in Wales - didn't with the others. It made life pretty difficult for BIL. I didn't and don't get it. As far as I can tell it has made zero difference to her now adult child who never lived there.

It sounds like you and your MIL are just not each other's type OP. I am an only child and DH has a big (& lovely) family, which can be challenging at times.

Will your baby definitely be born in Wales?

Wow, great advice!

Thank you for your replies and perspectives. I'm open to all your views. Just a few comments in response..

I went to Cardiff uni and live (just in) Wales. I am very proud of my Welsh husband, but just seek recognition that it's not all about Wales/Welsh. We are a 50/50 partnership which again I'm hugely proud of, it would just be nice to have that recognised.

I make tremendous effort with my in laws in many different ways, including conversationally (I certainly do not expect to be entertained), where I offer a lot of input where I can. I am attentive and try to get involved, but it's a challenge to input when they move from one thing to another between themselves and you really don't know anyone. These conversations do take over a lot and it can lead to long periods of not getting a word in and not knowing anyone they are talking about- it's certainly not a lack of effort!

In response to the comment about being standoffish at times, yes I have been, because it can be overwhelming. I think it's natural to feel that way with these situations, but i certainly want it to improve, hence making a lot of effort to try and build the relationship. There are just things that crop up, but I do take on board that you need to pick your battles, so thank you x

OP you know your MIL, I don't. If you were to have a second child but by then were living in England, do you think she would play favourites?

now one doesn't like to stereotype, but long meandering conversations about Jones the butcher and Mrs Mannering from number 27s son-in-law etc etc are a characteristic of South Waleian staple smalltalk, I have observed from my in laws! They don't really expect you to join in with anything othr than an encouraging nod know and then, it's not really a conversation, more just background chitter

There is a nationalistic side to some of them. You will get it in all countries.

My late husband is Welsh, so I do get it. To some of his family (half of which he would never speak to again for the way they carried on and the additional heartache they caused when he passed), I was the English girl to be tolerated.

Then, when he passed, omg, it was horrendous. I also took my husband out of the valleys, which they didn't like.

The culture in a lot of Wales is anything further across than Myther Tydfil (sorry if spelling is wrong), which is another world is to be frowned on.

It sounds as if your husband is supportive, which is good. It's OK to want to keep boundaries in place. Be responsive gently when something is said you don't agree with. Don't let it build up. Dealing each time means you won't build up anger

You chose to live in Wales but you seem to not want your unborn dc to appreciate his/lher Welsh culture. TBH I can’t see anything wrong with what your MIL has said. That may be because I’m Welsh and used to the ways of the Welsh. Having said that my in laws are Scottish. We have never had a battle of our respective countries/heritage/traditions.

Look out OP pretty soon your MIL will be insisting your LO be named Gwynfor or Gwynfil ….. You have been warned 😉

I can understand why the OP is bothered by an emphasis being placed on nationality. It is setting up a division (them and us) that puts her children in a category that excludes her, but includes the people emphasising the significance of the category.

It sounds like the in laws birth place plays an important part in their identities. For many people, nationality and birth place really isn't that important to their sense of self.

I think my children benefitted from growing up in a multicultural community where they were exposed to diversity within groups and so they tend not to think about people's characteristics as being intertwined with their nationality or county of birth.

OP, perhaps you can take the approach of highlighting how we are all 'citizens of the world' and how we need to build a future where we focus on what unites humans across the planet. If/when they talk to your child about the greatness of the Welsh, at a later date you can tell them about how this great feature exists in other countries and within other groups. This way you won't be opposing the positives, but ensuring that they are understood within a broader context.

Out of pure interest, do they also speak Welsh?

OMG we have the same inlaws! Gossiping about the neighbours and knowing everyone's business is hard to understand when you're used to living a fairly anonymous life in the city.
They never forgave ME when we moved to England for DHs job!

Travel to your parents just before due date, invest a readmson for staying and give birth in England!

Thanks again for all the comments. In response to some of the questions-

If we were ever to have 2nd child born in England, I don't think she would have a favourite. But I think this could be a really good point to use maybe if the point crops up again.

I am absolutely not saying that I do not want our child to appreciate its welsh culture. I do! I chose to go to uni in Wales because it was so friendly, and then married a welsh man! As I already stated, This is a 50/50 partnership and both I and my husband wish for both our cultures to be recognised, not just the welsh/Wales part. Surely the approach just needs to be a fair, rather than weighted towards the welsh/Wales.

@Brainworm you have totally understood where I am coming from and thank you for the really positive advice.

Regards speaking welsh, no, they don't. In fact my FIL isn't hugely nationalistic, it's more MIL.

In terms of the chat, it can be challenging when it's all about people you don't know, but perhaps I'm taking the wrong approach in even trying to get involved, as one response suggests. It's just that if you don't get involved you end up feeling like a lemon sitting there, not being able to participate. Thats why I'm posting. My own mum is incredibly polite and mentions the odd people my in laws don't know,but not at length as she is sensitive to how the fact that others don't know them.

Thanks all for the comments.

Hi again OP, from your response to what appears to be comments I made, I feel that perhaps I misjudged you, although had you worded your original post a bit more like the one I've just read, it would have made things clearer, so please accept my apologies if I was a bit hard on you, it was just that you made it sound like you expected to have everyone to dance attendance on you, without you putting in any effort, you've now made it clear that that's not the case. As a matter of interest, can I ask how old you are please?

Me and dp are from different countries within the Uk so very similar. We hate all the nonsense about what nationalities our children are. So many relatives felt the need to buy rugby/football shirts for them. We made a point of saying every time, oh baby hasn't decided what team they are supporting yet.

It's all just nonsense. Your place of birth is pure chance

@SleepingBeautySnores no problem, sorry if it wasn't conveyed well. In terms of effort, I really have and continue to try in all aspects, but because they are a large family with a big presence/voice it has been hard to navigate the relationship with them to make it a success whilst standing my ground and not losing my identity if you understand. Perhaps also, as another response suggested, because I have a tiny and very split family and my family are more low-key, it makes it more challenging to navigate a larger family who are more outspoken.
I am constantly trying to think how I can be more relaxed and deal with comments that crop up without getting stressed over them.

Re: my age I'm just 40. Thanks.

@Kannet111 thank you for the advice