To ask how to remain positive?

[ThemysteriousH]

Does being a glass half full cup person become natural or do you have to work for it? I’m really curious to know.

I’ve been dealt a crappy hand with things, I genuinely try my hardest, but still struggle.

I feel guilty when I know things can be so much worse but at the same time I feel miserable with what I’m contending with.
I do count my blessings with that I’ve 2 amazing DS, a roof over my head and NHS treatment, but then the darkness creeps in even when I’m keeping busy.

Any advice welcome. I’m just thinking aloud coming here and writing this, I have tried to help myself, I take my medication for mental health, have therapy, read on improving happiness, write affirmations, but then something kicks me down again.

Clichè but I want to change my way of thinking for 2024. I’m 31 and can’t carry on this way.
I’m praying my health will be sorted and that’s a big part of my battle.

Sorry for the essay..

I’m not in your situation and can be a bit of a negative thinker myself….. but when I’m feeling most positive is when I get to do things / have things planned that are good. Spending time with some of my favourite people.

So Currently I have a little mini break booked for in a few weeks. I don’t like my job but this will keep me going. I also play for a sports team (train and play the power most weeks- again this keeps me ticking over and gives me soemthinf to look forward to) and try to catch up with some of my favourite people periodically.

im really trying to spend less time on my phone and pick up books more too as endless time on my phone makes me feel crap 100% x

I think a lot of it is just whether it is in your nature to look on the positive or negative side of things. I would have said I've always been a glass half full kind or person, looking for the solution to problems rather than railing at fate, however, I've struggled at various times (when I was being bullied at work when I was pregnant many years ago, when I got divorced from my abusive exH and now recently when I was bereaved having lost my lovely partner 9 months ago) I don't feel glass half full atm but I hope that will come back when I can see things in a more positive light once again.

I say allow yourself to feel however it is you're feeling at the time. You can fully appreciate everything you have and still have dark days when you wonder why the universe seems to have it out for you. If we never had dark days, we wouldn't really appreciate the brighter ones. You are allowed your feelings, and don't feel guilty about it.

I used to be loads more positive then how I am these days. I'd still like to think that positivity comes more naturally to me than negativity though.

You might find looking into positive psychology helpful. I really like it.

Its alternate name is "The science of flourishing", and the research really supports the fact that by including a few fairly simple and fast exercises and practices in your day, and learning some healthier thought patterns etc, you can indeed think yourself happier.

There's a free course on it on Coursera, if you Google. I think it's called something like "Martin Seligman's Positive Psychology", and has 5 modules, the second one of which in particular is practical exercises.

Hope you find something that helps.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/k99tG6rNVl2tkSb8GSY6Jf/why-we-should-all-hold-on-to-hope

cbt can really help with this.

Coincidentally, I've been thinking of starting a thread like yours.
I saw this article on the BBC website which you might find helpful.
You're young, you can change your way of thinking. You've started already by recognising that you want and need to make a change. You can do it, make it a goal.
Don't let hopelessness cloud your life like it has mine.
I'm in my 60s and I'm going to start being more hopeful and optimistic; less cynical and fearful.

Good luck, @ThemysteriousH 😋

It think a lot of it is nature but you can work on it. I'm naturally a glass half full person currently surrounded by the glass half empty thinkers. It's draining and frankly quite self obsessed. They all seem to think about how X, Y and Z impacts them, constantly vocalise how they feel and expect others to fix it. I think in order to find your happy you have to try and find joy in small things, take five minutes a day to reflect on what you have and the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives. Get outside, find beauty in nature, do nice things for others so you feel a warm glow. There is always someone worse off so be thankful for what you have.

I think getting into the habit of reframing every negative thought immediately works well. To start with, it's a right nuisance and quite difficult. But it gets easier and it really helps with positivity

Ah wow, I wasn’t expecting to have many replies or comments even as nice ones (oops just proved my negative thinking there!).

These are really good suggestions and I will try everything mentioned, I really want to turn things around.
i think on the outside I come across really happy - maybe I’ve put on too much of a front, but I want to feel genuine with my emotions.

Those feeling the same, I hope we can change it, sounds like it’s never too late :)

It's very hard but it does work. When bad things happen you need to try repeat "it is what it is" or "I can't change what's happened just improve the situation"

My car was stolen recently and it causes me massive financial issues. I can't change my car being stolen but I can change not worrying about it or stressing out about something that's happened

@Wateroverwine yes that’s a good attitude to have actually!

People surrounding me would have no idea I feel this way as I’m outwardly positive but I’m determined to feel it :)

So sorry to read about your car 😞

I’m resilient and positive and I don’t do well with negative people, they bring you down so I avoid them.
I allow myself to grieve or be upset but there has to be a cut off when you have to stop and see the positives and appreciate what you have otherwise it’s a cycle of misery and negativity.

when my relationship has broken up I’m sad BUT I think of the positives ie that there is someone better for me, it won’t always feel this way etc

ive just had a miscarriage totally shit BUT I have to appreciate what I already have such as a lovely house, partner, friends
I’m absolutely gutted and in so much physical pain but it would be worse if my miscarriage had been later on or there were genetic issues with my baby
I have to accept this was Mother Nature doing her thing
and we look forward to ttc in 2024

People think I'm strong, unflappable and flow through life with ease.

IMO constant positivity can lead to depression upon failure. Or they are lying to themselves, I prefer realism.

I'm more of 'hope and plan for the best and also prepare for the worst' kind of person. Aim high for the long game and have small very achievable goals along the way to give that 'winning at life' feeling. Its definitely a mood lifter.

Acknowledge when you feel down/ ill, give yourself (a very small amount of) time to wallow in it for a bit but then it's theorical slap in the face time to pull yourself together and Crack on. IMO it's important to feel the lows (briefly) then push through, if we don't feel the lows then it can come back worse.

If I'm dreading the day ahead I'll gear up for it. Strong coffee/ hot shower/ warpaint makeup on/ powerful perfume and imagine myself punching the problem in its face.
The aggression gets me through and afterwards I've achieved something even if it's just survival but usually it's not as bad as I was expecting.

There are always small positives to pull from a situation so if you notice something shit, you can find a positive to counteract it, however small.

The superwoman pose has saved me more than once.

Worrying is an absolute waste of energy. It would be better to be practical and prepare for possible outcomes.

I love these replies and appreciate them so much and the time you’ve taken to reply to me with your advice - thank you

@Ambi - war paint is something I deffo do!

@LondonGrey so sorry to hear about your MC, I empathise about the pain (emotionally and physically) I’ve been there, but your positivity shines through

If you find something that works let me know!!! I think I'm a hyper realist and struggle to get out of the what ifs mind set and the 'in reality this is likely to happen'. I can see the positives in things but I don't seem able to feel them enough to bring myself back up through this type of thinking. So I guess, I completely get it x

Are you alone with your two sons? You don’t mention a partner and I wondered whether relationship problems were part of the mix of things bringing you down?

I find reminding myself:
I have a home, be thankful I'm not homeless
I have food, be thankful I'm not starving
I have a job, be thankful I'm not unemployed
I have family & friends, be thankful I'm not alone
helps.

@PriOn1 I’m a lone parent, abusive ex, I’ve stayed single since with the trauma (it’s been 5 years), DC have some problems & my health and multiple uses of my 9 lives really impacts DS1, but I can’t change that, I carry on with my front & he has grown up to be a wonderful, empathetic young man (albeit 10 y/o)

Just saw that you’d replied. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and I think it all takes time to get over. I left my abusive husband five years ago and my children are newly grown up and I honestly feel that I’m finally remembering who I am, and realising that I like myself again.

I always stayed positive at work, even when going through awful times at home and I feel like that’s been very helpful. A while back, two colleagues separately told me they looked forward to the days they worked with me and that made me feel like it was worthwhile.

I think the only thing that really helps is learning to listen to your own inner voice and conscience again. Abusive men take that from you and you learn to bury who you are. Work on finding yourself again. I think that doing what you feel is right, rather than what pleases others, might be key to learning to love yourself again and I suspect a degree of happiness lies in doing that.