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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Were you single when you met your partner?

17 replies

Tiffincake · 26/12/2023 22:35

There's someone I've started to develop an interest in at work. I was initially in a relationship, I spoke to him once or twice, that was all, and he seemed nice but didn't really know him.
My relationship ended for a couple of reasons after a few years. Very recently started to talk more to this colleague, we're moving to separate departments very soon so won't see him most likely, but realising I'm interested in him.
Do you think it matters that I was initially with someone else when we first met? Even though as I say we only spoke once or twice at work and I'd have had no way of knowing if he were interested, single etc. so it was completely unrelated, but I still feel bad for some reason..

OP posts:

midnights0 · 26/12/2023 22:36

No, me and DH was not single when we met eachother. Both in very unhappy relationships, both left our relationships and got together shortly after.

MrsHughesPinny · 26/12/2023 22:37

Yes, I’d been single about 7 months after a LTR. He’d been single for 6 years.

Sparklesocks · 26/12/2023 22:38

Sorry but I genuinely don’t understand your concern, why would it matter unless you were still with that person (or maybe had just broken up so a rebound might not be ideal). By that logic you could never develop romantic interest in anyone you ever met when you had a partner even if years had passed since you split.

If you like this colleague then there’s nothing stopping you exploring your feelings. Attraction and romantic interest isn’t purely based on first meetings, it can bloom and mature over time.

laclochette · 26/12/2023 22:40

Of course it doesn't matter, why on earth would it? Maybe you feel guilty or bad or reluctant for some other reason you're either not fully aware of, or don't want to acknowledge to yourself, because this is a weird thing to worry about.

Original poster

Tiffincake · 26/12/2023 22:42

I don't know why I feel so guilty because leaving my ex had absolutely zero to do with him, I wouldn't throw away a relationship for a random stranger, I am overthinking it I guess, I think I just feel guilt for having attraction to someone else.

OP posts:

laclochette · 26/12/2023 22:51

@Tiffincake well you really needn't, as based on what you've said here you've got absolutely nothing to feel bad about, but it clearly is something you feel.... so it's worth sitting with the feeling and trying to figure out where it's come from so you can work through it and feel better! Not just cos it doesn't feel nice but cos you need to be able to move happily into whatever relationship comes next for you.

Newnameshoos · 26/12/2023 22:56

I'd been on my own for almost 10 years when I met my other half. I think you're overthinking the having been in a relationship when you first met this person. You've not left your partner for them, presumably? What possibly happened was that it maybe made you think about your relationship and evaluate it. So meeting this person may have been the catalyst for you making a big decision but you didn't leave your relationship for them.

GLC789 · 26/12/2023 23:08

Op, I met my now husband 10 years ago in this exact scenario!!

My reason for breaking up with my then deadbeat partner was completely seperate.

Few weeks later, went on a date with that guy from work I spoke to once or twice.... No we're married with a baby on the way!

Do it! You owe it to yourself to explore this!

MrsHughesPinny · 27/12/2023 00:23

You definitely shouldn’t feel bad, you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong!

XenoBitch · 27/12/2023 00:35

My last DP, I knew for a long time. We were part of the same social scenes etc. Then we got properly chatting one day (as singletons) and eventually got together.

My current one... we had both been single for 5/6 years.

There is no reason to feel bad at your situation. It is a good thing that you did not develop interest in this man whilst you were still in a relationship.

SqueezyMcJingles · 27/12/2023 00:42

It's absolutely fine. Go for it or you'll regret it.

Wateroverwine · 27/12/2023 16:27

In your situation you were only interested it's not like you had a full affair.

I had a boyfriend before who cheated but wouldn't leave my house and forced me to stay with him with tears (I eventually got him out), because he wouldn't get out or leave I started talking to another guy, he would be on the couch next to me and I'm messaging the other guy.

Anyway neither knew and when I finally got rid of the loser I had a relationship with the other guy for a few months before finding out he was still living with his child's mother and she thought they were in a relationship.

All toxic mess anyway im now with someone else happy 😊

MrsFunnyFanny · 28/12/2023 08:50

I went out with a close girlfriend, to drink wine and discuss how to end a year-long relationship that I knew wasn’t going anywhere, and I met my now husband in the pub that night, on a Friday. I finished the relationship I was in the next morning, and went on a date with my husband for the first time three days later, on the Monday. We met in July, he proposed in August, and we booked a last-minute holiday to celebrate. I came back from that holiday pregnant with my now almost 20 year old daughter. We went on to have four kids in four years, then eventually got married after we’d been together for 8 years.
So technically I was still in a relationship when I met my husband, and I was honest about that. I don’t think there’s any reason for you to feel uneasy at all.

betterangels · 28/12/2023 08:53

You're definitely overthinking this.

Pickingmyselfup · 28/12/2023 09:09

No, I dumped my boyfriend of a couple of months and almost immediately got with him although I was only 19.

I don't think there is anything wrong with your situation at all.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 28/12/2023 09:14

No, both of us were in relationships, they broke down for unrelated reasons, a year later we went out for drinks after work and have been together ever since. Don't see why knowing him before would be am issue tbh. We never so much as flirted when we were in our previous relationships.

43ontherocksporfavor · 28/12/2023 09:18

I was with a long term boyfriend when I first came into contact with my DH at work. Nothing happened but I was aware I felt attracted to him. The long term relationship was fizzling out anyway and that feeling gave me the impetus to end it for good. I was open about my feelings for someone else but would’ve ended it anyway. Been married 27 years.

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