Sense check needed please. AIBU

[Ineedacoffee]

DH thinks I am over reacting to his behaviour this afternoon. We have been 3 hrs away from home with my family for xmas with our 13 and 11 year olds. It has been nice. DH never completely relaxes there but no problems.
Today we went to a panto with my BIL and nephew. It was great we all enjoyed it then we got in the car to drive the 3 hrs home. As we were leaving the car park, right by the exit someone didnt see us and started to reverse and nearly hit us. DH was driving, hit the horn and the other guy stopped. As we came round past the window of the other car DH stopped and started gesticulating saying "come on then" then opened his door and undid his belt to get out the car. I had said "don't", "just drive", "leave it" in an increasingly loud voice and as he went to get out of the car shouted his name and told him to sit down and leave the car park. He did but once we were out started shouting at me saying I shouldnt have shoutedhus name, wasnt helping and he was handling it.
It took my 13 year old in the back very calmly but firmly saying 'but not in the right way' repeatedly for him to stop shouting at me. I didn't want him to continue driving but felt actually scared to say anything.
He asked me something completely unrelated and when I gave a very short answer huffed and asked if I wasnt speaking to him. He was cross.
About 20 mins of silence later he said sorry to me. When we stopped at a service station an hr later he apologised to both children. We had a few minutes without the children in earshot at the service station and when I asked he said "There's nothing more to say I"ve apologised I've moved on."
I haven't moved on. I'm shocked and appalled at his behaviour. For reference we have been together 20 years and I can remember 2 incidents in that time of him losing his temper behind the wheel of a car.
I want him to think about why it happened (I have no idea - he says neither does he) and how he can assure me it wont happen again. He doesnt want to talk about it. I have asked him to sleep in a different room tonight. He thinks I am over reacting. Am I?
YABU - he didnt behave well but its minor, get over it
YANBU - its really bad behaviour especially with the children in the car you are entitled to be very upset.

Sleeping in a different room seems a bit extreme but YANBU thinking his behaviour was appalling.

He’s behaved badly but how long are you going to punish him for? He’s calmed down, reflected and apologised. Now you need to move on.

Tricky one. He behaved horribly and there’s no excuse but as he acknowledged it and apologised, and hasn’t got form for acting this way, it sounds like he lost control but was genuinely remorseful.

Shit behaviour which could have had a serious impact. My Dh used to hate me doing gestures (nothing rude, just a shrug, headshake) at other drivers and asked what I’d do if someone got out of their car and started on me and what if they had a knife? He’s in the emergency services so has experienced people doing this. He was right and now I drive defensively and keep my thoughts to myself if someone drives like an arse.

I don’t know why you’re prolonging the agony be making him sleep elsewhere, he’s apologised, move on. I doubt he’ll do it again. Your 13 year old sounds brilliant.

At least you’re a matching pair… you’ve both overreacted.

The way it handled it was appalling, but especially the fact that he carried on shouting at you while your child was in the car to the extent that your child had to intervene.

I'd want to know how he's going to be sure that he never puts either of you in that position again.

So you have never overreacted at anything in your whole life? Well until now I guess

He reflected then apologised so either accept that and move on or don't and throw your whole marriage into turmoil. It sounds a rare occurrence but only you know if it's a deal breaker.

I suspect he was in full fight - flight mode as a reaction to nearly being hit. Nobody thinks straight in these circumstances. Your brain literally stops thinking properly as your body gears up to deal with the threat.

Awful behaviour but sounds like a genuine and fulsome apology. I'd move on.

You didn't over-react. Your husband was getting out of the car to go and start a road-rage fight and you called him back - that seems reasonable. Then he yelled at you so long your child had to make him stop and he thinks a quick sorry while driving is enough? Of course not. He doesn't get to decide when you and your children are ready to "move on" from this, that's up to you.

A quick apology at a service station isn't enough for your children. They need their Dad to sit down and make it clear that the way he yelled at you, and the way he scared you all, and the way that he put his child in the position of having to be the "grown up" and intervene to stop their dad being aggressive to their mum - that all of that was very very wrong and won't happen again. Otherwise they'll think this kind of behaviour is just a minor thing and that they were wrong to be scared or upset, or that it's ok to treat people like that themselves.

Then he can talk about why the aggressive driving was wrong and then he can apologise properly to you too.

Probably the stress of being away, staying with in-laws. Not appropriate no, but he’s apologised and I’d move on

This 13-year-old sounds like they’ve got decent parents (even if today wasn’t their best day)

Where’s the fulsome apology?

Id be pissed off with him too. Road rage and then shouting at you. He’s a dick.

You've asked him to sleep in another room because he got road rage?

YABU

Does he get to wear a horsehair shirt too?

I was shocked the first time My DH did this quite a long time after we met. He has escalated it very slowly over 30 years, to the point where our DCs now both call him out on it if it happens when I'm not around.

This is one of the reasons our marriage is ending just before our 30th wedding anniversary. I wish I had reacted more the first time he did it and ended the relationship when it became clear it would happen again. My DCs feel the same as I do. They hated growing up knowing it could happen at any time, even though the occurences were actually very rare. The fear is still present every time they are in the car with him driving. In fact DD1 will only go in a car with him now if she is driving.

YANBU to make it very clear to him that this level of emotional incontinence is unacceptable and you will not live with someone who reacts in this way.

I know someone who behaved like this over a minor traffic inconvenience (to be honest he was a prick generally thinking he was the big I AM) and got his front teeth knocked out by the much harder bloke that got out of the car. Served him right. Can't stand people who get aggressive over absolutely nothing at all and try and be intimidating. Who jumps out of a car for a scrap over a near miss? It's absolutely pathetic.

I can't vote as I'm firmly between the two.
It wasn't minor to behave like that infront of the children (or at all), but you also say its not how he normally is and he has apologised directly to you and the DC. What else can he do?
Unless you plan on leaving him over this then continuing to punish him isn't helpful.

I expect he was already on edge about something and this was a straw that broke the camels back scenario. By all means explore that with him (a calm conversation out of concern, not a telling off), but spare room?! If you aren't scared of him what's the point? And if you are, ask him to leave.

Oh and I'd want to sleep separately from someone who behaved like that too. Talk about instant ick. My skin would be crawling.

I think sleeping in a different room is OTT and I also think attempting to engage in a hurried conversation at the petrol station wasn't helpful. I do though understand you were a bit frightened by his behaviour and I'm assuming it's out of character. If this happened to me I'd be angry that it was in front of the children and would have hopefully put my own feelings to one side to appease him in the safest way. I'd have talked about it later.
I'm not sure what else you want from him. He knows he was wrong to put the family through this and he's apologised. You're continuing to 'punish' him. Is that you're primary motive, you're angry and you want to punish him? Sounds very similar to how he felt earlier.
If you're looking for an explanation as to why he had a hair trigger temper that day, I think youve already answered it. I dare say he finds this visit a bigger chore than you imagined...but does it because he loves you and the family.

"I didn't want him to continue driving but felt actually scared to say anything."

You were afraid of him. That's a big deal. He needs to know that.