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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pep talk please - told him not to come home (again)

23 replies

Round3333 · 26/12/2023 21:52

Long time lurker, first time poster. Not AIBU but I need the harsh words!

I'm sick to the back teeth of my partner going out drinking and not coming home/rocking up at 6am then wasting the whole of the next day hanging and in a mood. We were supposed to have a family day today (we have a 3 year old). He went out at 12 to meet his brother 'for an hour'. I spoke to him at 6 and said 9pm at the latest (we've got plans tomorrow that mean we need to be out by 7.30). I text him at 9 and said 'forget it, go to your dads, I'll let you know when you can pick your stuff up'.

Problem is this has happened SO MANY times before. I always end up taking him back mainly because I don't have the energy for the drama, not because I'm overly emotional about it but it drains me for days, then comes all the apologies and promises to change blah blah blah. I honestly think he's only really happy when he's drinking.

How do I make 6am tomorrow when he's outside chapping the door a different outcome than the last 20+ times I've 'kicked him out'

Pep talk please?

P.s. I own the house, he didn't take his key. I'm even fuming because I know I'll have a crap nights sleep just waiting for him to rock up

OP posts:

SerpentEndBench · 26/12/2023 22:00

You know by now that if nothing changes, nothing changes.

So this time, what to do different?

Decline to answer the door when he chaps in the small hours.

Make sure you have another adult in the house when he comes to get his things (we all know that ugly situations can occur)

Good luck.

TeddyBeans · 26/12/2023 22:03

If you're not going to sleep well then get busy packing up all his stuff and leave it outside for him when he rocks up. No words needed to express you're serious this time. Don't sell yourself short, you deserve way better than this and so does DC

OrigamiOwls · 26/12/2023 22:03

You need to decide if this was the final straw. You can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Is this the sort of relationship you want to be modelling for your child? Hopefully this will make you feel stronger, hang on to that thought.
Good luck, hope you find your resolve.

VeganNugsNotDrugs · 26/12/2023 22:04

I would pack an overnight bag and be heading to the nearest premier inn so I wasn't there when he came home but that's probably not an option now DC is presumably in bed.

MummyJ36 · 26/12/2023 22:06

i would go and stay somewhere else for the night. Parents / sibling / friends. Dont be there. I’d also think about what you’d advise your own child to do if they found themselves in a similar situation when they’re older…

Cosycover · 26/12/2023 22:07

You own the house and he told you to go to your dad's? And he will let you know when you can pick your stuff up? From your own fucking house?

Start getting angry and make sure you keep it up. How fucking dare he. Text him right now and tell him to go his fucking dad's because your door will be locked...for good.

Also, do you reckon he's on coke?

TeddyBeans · 26/12/2023 22:08

@Cosycover you've misread the quote. OP was telling him to go to his dad's

Original poster

Round3333 · 26/12/2023 22:09

@Cosycover I'm home. I told him to go to his dad's. When I spoke to him at 6pm tonight he said he wasn't doing coke tonight, probably is by now.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/12/2023 22:10

Apart from anything else, he must be spending an absolute fortune when he does this.

But yes, bags outside the house and message him to tell him to go elsewhere.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/12/2023 22:12

Doesn’t your DC deserve better than a feckless cocaine taking drinker?

Merryoldgoat · 26/12/2023 22:12

There is literally zero point to this relationship. Zero.

Original poster

Round3333 · 26/12/2023 22:14

I've blocked him too so I'm not looking for missed calls or texts when I wake up in the might. Ugh it just winds me up so much mainly because I know I'll be mentally distracted for days when I should be enjoying time off work with the little one, which I will do my best to do but the genuine joy won't be there because of the behaviour of his piece of shit father. Got the rage. Gonna get the rubbish suitcases out the loft (he's not having the nice ones)

OP posts:

vidflex · 26/12/2023 22:15

You know they say the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different outcome.

tiv2020 · 26/12/2023 22:16

Pack bags & leave them outside, block his number and if possible alert friends or family leaving nearby in case he kicks up a fuss when he gets there. Worst case call the police if you feel threatened.
Btw, informing your friends & family that you are kicking him out (at least the supporting ones) also should help bolster your decision not to take him back.

TeddyBeans · 26/12/2023 22:17

Good! Keep the rage and direct it productively. Get his shit out of your house, keep him blocked and then go spend some quality time with your DC. They still deserve a present parent

IAmAnIdiot123 · 26/12/2023 22:19

Fuck that op! It's nearly 2024, don't spend it waiting for him to change. Get rid and focus on yourself and your child!

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 26/12/2023 22:20

Why would you choose this man as the father of your child? Why did a heavy selfish drinker and coke user appeal for that role? Absolute madness.

Problem is this has happened SO MANY times before. I always end up taking him back mainly because I don't have the energy for the drama
You are the drama. Stop throwing him out and taking him back. That’s drama. You dont like him. He doesn’t like being a husband and father. You’ve thrown him out, stand by that decision.

Bananalanacake · 26/12/2023 22:26

Does he pay towards bills and food, does he have any claim on your property

Whataretheodds · 26/12/2023 22:29

What's the likelihood that he turns up before you need to leave? Bit early for him? Message him now and tell him not to bother. Bags outside?

Topee · 26/12/2023 22:30

He’s had no reason to change because you’ve shown him (up until now) that you’ll always take him back again.

Choose better for yourself and your child.

Original poster

Round3333 · 26/12/2023 22:42

@Bananalanacake not really. I cover all the bills. His money is supposed to be the fun money (savings, meals out, holidays, day trips etc) - whose fun eh! He definitely wouldn't have a claim on the house. His sister once said 'I think you would screw him over and not give him any of the house', I carefully worded the reply 'I wouldn't screw anyone over, I'd make sure he got back exactly what he put in' (I.e. nothing)

OP posts:

Original poster

Round3333 · 26/12/2023 22:45

@Whataretheodds my family are all over 2 hours drive away, I'll head over there this week. I've given the neighbour a heads up as they know what's it's been like before so they'll look out for me till I head off for a few days.

OP posts:

Rumplestrumpet · 26/12/2023 22:48

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Yes the next few days will be hard, but you know you're gonna go through it at some point - if you don't do it now, what's the alternative? You'll put up with this shit for a few more years, making yourself and your son miserable, and then finally kick him out and kick yourself for not doing it sooner.

May as well bite the bullet and free yourself now. You can do it. Good luck

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