High expectations or thoughtless husband?

[Fairlytiredmum]

I (38F) have been married for 10 years. I was aware that my DH could be quite a single minded person, with separate time consuming hobbies etc. To be fair, prior to having our son (1M), I was too. We had the mutual understanding, time and resources to manage this well.
Since having our child I have had to change and I honestly can’t believe the time, effort and forward thinking that is now required of me! Mums have superpowers, I’ve a much greater respect of my own now.
Anyway, living with DH for 11 years, I’ve become aware of his non verbal cues and certain blaming behaviours. He admits he recognises mine and when he mentions it I hold my hands up and apologise, most of the time
There’s been a bit more stress in the house this last year, suffice to say he isn’t forward planning for the next shopping list/trip out/ appointments etc.
When he is annoyed there’s a specific intake of breath, eye roll etc. Nothing is actually said aloud, it doesn’t have to be, I feel I read his cues according to the lived experience I have with him. When I ask him what’s wrong, or what his problem is, or just ‘What now?’, depending on my reaction (the silent intolerance really riles me). He often gets very petulant, muttering, storming off and saying I’ve a problem reading into something that isn’t there.
To my mind I feel as though he’s been caught and he’s pissed off. The thing is I keep getting told I have a problem, I’m reading things wrong and I’m too sensitive. He never admits he’s at fault generally, he can at times spout BS. Discussing topics in my field of study/work with Information that is 100% incorrect. I think he’s always been a bit of a gobshite in that respect.
He is a good Dad and tells me frequently that I’m a good mum and thanks me for all I do. But then comes out with these blame behaviours… Honestly at times I’m feeling a bit gaslit.
I have tried to have a conversation about it but it goes in one ear and out the other, either by choice or design.
Am I wrong to react to these cues? (I know my reaction to them is sometimes poor)
How can I word a conversation that demonstrates my strength of feeling?

Huff and eyeroll back. OK so bit passive aggressive but dh realised he was being an ass after a while

If your little one is only a month old everybody is getting used to a new routine. It takes a while!

What is he doing exactly? It sounds like you are reacting to something you think he is thinking? What is he blaming you for?

I'd try not to react to non-verbal cues. Often there is a reason people don't say these things out loud. Because they know they are being unreasonable.

You've written a shit ton of words but I have no idea what you are saying. For that reason I'm siding with dh. You sound tiring!

You need to give some specific examples, hard to see what the exact problem is here

Thank you. Our wee boy is 1 year, but yes, still very early days!
Generally, it’s when he has missed something I’d consider to be obvious. Water bottle/nappies missing from changing bag on his way out the house. Not considering meals/routine when he has wee one all day. Half done jobs like dishes washed but not dried and worktops/floors not done. Making it that wee bit harder for me to do the additional jobs.
His reactions are 100% intolerance based with me or whatever it is I am trying to highlight? As I say sometimes I react more favourably than others, I’m not on here pretending no I’m well slept and perfect!

What a lot of waffle.

Just fucking talk to him!

He says you're reading into something that isn't there.

Your post sounds bordering on obsessive and slightly petty.

I'm going to say, best advice, back up. Stop scrutinising him and looking for these 'non verbal cues' your so obsessed with. Take your focus off him and put it on yourself, your day, your child, your activities.

I'm on the autism spectrum and altho female I can be quite masculine in my interactions. Even just reading your post, you're triggering my 'being scrutinised', 'suffocation' and 'counter-control' feelings. Maybe he feels same. Maybe if he's got something to say he'll say it? Otherwise, the odd eyeroll, shrug, or walking away is a way of keeping the peace cos he's not interested in being argumentative? That's what I'd do.

Pick your battles, don't sweat the small stuff. And also if he chats shit on the subject of your work speciality then really politely disagree at the time he's doing it and at least agree to disagree. No need to go looking for conflict and tension.

Failing to be able to safely take care of an infant is pretty big stuff.

Failing to do his share of the housework is also highly irritating.

You're gonna have to get specific with him on each issue as and when it happens, very short and to the point, no waffle.

Ultimately if he can't caretake your child safely with adequate food and water on his days to look after the little one then he's not safe to be in charge.

It takes awhile to find your balance, to make sure you both have time to do your hobbies and divide the jobs that come with family life. If one person feels they are doing more and not getting any free time, resentment creeps in. I would sit down and talk and come up with some ways to make sure there is a balance.

This!
And the fact you think you have "superpowers" and are so great, but he's not when your baby is only a month old! Give him a chance FFS!
If you are constantly nagging him because he's forgotten something in the changing bag, and then nagging him to know "what's wrong" when you intervene, it's no wonder he's getting pissed off!

@Bearbookagainandagain whats she supposed to do other than "nag" if he's forgotten something from the bag? Leave the child go without? She obviously has superpowers if after a year it's so difficult to sort a changing bag for a child and she's able to do it.