Friend only wants me as a counsellor. Is that OK?

Throckmorton · 26/12/2023 21:24

I think if you weren't having a lot of your time and energy sucked up by this person (who doesn't sound like much of a friend), you would find yourself with more time and energy to meet people who could be true friends! In short - you're worth more than just being used like this!

FluffyChemical · 26/12/2023 21:26

YANBU - it's difficult to accept sometimes but it doesn't sound like this friendship is making you particularly happy? Of course there are times we need to step up and support our friends in difficult times but this should not be all the time. When you spend time together it should lift you and make you feel happier, not adversely affect your own mental health. It's not your job to fix her life, it doesn't sound like she is very invested in yours.

Darkenergy · 26/12/2023 21:31

How honest were you with her about this, I'm confused about how you controlled the topics of conversation, were you literally ignoring her and changing the subject? Or did you just tell her you didn't want to hear about her problems any more? If this is something you just went ahead with without telling her I can see why she'd be hurt and distant.

If you haven't had one you need to instigate a difficult conversation and explain what has gone wrong for you and what needs to be different in future. Otherwise you can write the friendship off.

TwinklingLightsEverywhere · 26/12/2023 21:39

If you want her as a friend a conversation is in order, but it's a difficult one to have, basically saying I only want the fun side of you thanks. This isn't unreasonable though, most people know their friends boundaries and don't dump on them all the time.

Tell her you are struggling and you find her problems triggering stress/anxiety in you. You're sort for withdrawing and would she like to try to continue the friendship but stay off difficult topics?

But, did she actually add anything to your life anyway? Do you only want to continue the friendship because you feel bad ending it?

We should support our friends, but for most people that support can only be the occasional friendly ear plus signposting to people who are qualified and paid to help.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 26/12/2023 21:40

I tried to do this with a "friend" who was obsessed with one topic. I'd become her therapist and it was draining. I'd heard it all a million times. In the end I wrote her a nice letter saying that this topic needed to be rested but she eventually dumped me for daring (gasp) to have my own life outside of her. It was all very narcissistic. I still feel sorry for her as her parents were two of the strangest people I've ever met

YANBU she's not your friend, it's a one way thing

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 22:01

She sounds like an emotional vampire.

I couldn't be bothered with all the drama that she is part of and seems to create by making poor decisions.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/12/2023 22:20

I have a friend a bit like this. Irony is, she is an actual counsellor for a living!

Original poster

User16394739 · 26/12/2023 22:45

I've attempted to limit - not eliminate - the dating topic by being a listening ear but not letting the conversation centre around the same topic for hours and hours. So I will ask her about her kids/family/friends/work/interests and attempt some exchange about myself but she just changes subject back to dating or one word answers or terminates the meet up/conversation.

I fear the conversations for the last few years somehow wholly ended up being about her and dating. And it's numerous men but all with the same problems. It's a bit like hitting your head against a wall.

It doesn't need to be all fun. I'm of an age where my friendship group has aging parents and its not quite as care free as it used to be. This just feels different but I care for her but I don't think it feels like she's interested in me as a person or as a friend, it's just as a therapist.

OP posts:

Fatnangry · 26/12/2023 23:08

I can relate to this. My friend is deeply unhappy at home and we meet once a week and it's like a 2hr therapy session where I just listen and analyse and discuss her week with her awful family. I do feel for her but it's been like this for months and months. We never talk about anything else.

I do feel for her. She is having a bad time but equally I cant solve it? It sounds so callous to say "I can't cope with how miserable your life is'

Grimchmas · 26/12/2023 23:13

She's only interested in you for what she can get from you, which is a free therapist, regardless of the toll it takes on you. I'm sorry, it sucks, I've been in your shoes a few times.

If you put a boundary up around this (as indeed you should) she will either tantrum or disappear. At best she might pretend to change her ways for a bit but ultimately she isn't interested in being a team player.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 26/12/2023 23:15

yanbu trauma dumpers are an absolute drain.

Grimchmas · 26/12/2023 23:16

@Fatnangry you are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to say let's talk about something else now. You are allowed to tell your friend that the type of conversations she is trying to get from you would be better off with a therapist. You are allowed to say that you aren't able to provide free therapy any more. You are allowed to be deliberately a bit shit in replying with platitudes and letting it wash over your head because taking it to heart is damaging to you. You are allowed to be quite severe in telling her that you've listened to her complain about her situation for 2 hours every week for months now, and ask her what is going to change because you're not willing to listen to it any more. You are allowed to make excuses to meet up less often.

Ktime · 26/12/2023 23:22

Fatnangry · 26/12/2023 23:08

I can relate to this. My friend is deeply unhappy at home and we meet once a week and it's like a 2hr therapy session where I just listen and analyse and discuss her week with her awful family. I do feel for her but it's been like this for months and months. We never talk about anything else.

I do feel for her. She is having a bad time but equally I cant solve it? It sounds so callous to say "I can't cope with how miserable your life is'

Then don’t say anything to her but stop seeing her!

Both you and OP need to place a much higher value on your time and your worth.

Stop being friends with users who don’t care about you!

Sloth66 · 26/12/2023 23:30

She’s not a friend, just someone using you as a free counsellor.
it’s exhausting being with people like this, there’s no reciprocity at all and if I were you, I’d start looking for decent people to be friends with.

Zanatdy · 26/12/2023 23:35

I’ve got 1 friend like this, thankfully only 1 as it’s quite draining. People ask me why I don’t just block her as she’s so self centred but I’d never do that. I feel a bit of a sense of responsibility for her in some ways and she does have a really tough life. Her life is car crash though and she does bring some of it on herself. I know she appreciates me listening to her, and advising her so I continue, usually 1 60-90 mins calls per week, some texts inbetween. Sometimes it stretches to once every 2wks!

Justmuddlingalong · 26/12/2023 23:35

She'll distance herself from the friendship because she'll find some other mug to emotionally dump her never ending drama on.
Let her get on with it.
Her friends obviously aren't important to her unless she's benefiting from them.
Your mental health may well improve when she's not dragging you down with her.

ItsMyPartyParty · 26/12/2023 23:38

She’s using you. I’ve had to drop a friendship when it became clear that they were only interested in being friends when their life was shit and I was the supportive shoulder, whenever their life was going well I wouldn’t see them. Sod that crap!

Rocksonabeach · 27/12/2023 00:00

User16394739 · 26/12/2023 21:06

A close friend has been separated for a few years now and had a string of relationships that have caused her a lot of tears and our time together is often centred on counselling her through these bad times. I started to notice it was having a bad affect on my own mental health as I am a lone parent and it can be overwhelming to constantly listen and support someone when there are no reserves left after working hard and parenting young children. It also leaves me feeling a bit hopeless as her dating has involved married men and horrible situations that make me feel hopeless about my own future if I ever entered dating again. She never asks how I am.

So I have limited the conversation about these things and tried to chat about other subjects. She has basically disappeared and is now extremely cold when I talk to her.

I want to fix this situation but I don't even know how to start because I can't make up my mind if I'm being unrealistic about friendships and some are just like this or if, actually, she isn't really a friend (which saddens me greatly) and therefore not something I can fix.

Yabu - you are being unreasonable, you should be grateful to have a friend and one who just wants counselled is fine.

Yanbu - you are not being unreasonable, she is not interested in you as a friend.

My ex best friend was similiar she lurched from one drama to another. Hours spent listening to her but she was totally self absorbed.

warned her and then cut contact totally defriended on Facebook and blocked on mobile it’s a relief

laclochette · 27/12/2023 00:02

Assuming you're not a counsellor, you're not qualified to carry this kind of load for her. It isn't good for you and ultimately it might not be great for her, either. Of course we all lean on our friends from time to time but if someone is doing it a lot, they need to actually get a proper counsellor, because it's not fair or right to put a friend in that position. A counsellor doing this kind of work is highly trained, is in therapy themselves, has a supervisor etc etc, a whole support structure, a lot of which is aimed at protecting their own mental health - none of which you have in place.

You also might want to interrogate why you are drawn to this kind of relationship dynamic and what it says about your boundaries and sense of self worth.

Nogooddeed7 · 27/12/2023 00:56

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable… but has she literally not done anything nice for you, or talked about you and your stuff at all in two years?

If she really hasn’t and it has been all one way then you should distance yourself.

Has she ever been a good friend? How long have you been friends?

mrsfollowill · 27/12/2023 01:18

She is not a true friend.
my mum has one like this-they have been friends for over 50 years.
Both in their late 70's - mum is coming up 80 and very poorly - has 2 chronic conditions after bring ultra healthy until she was 75.
I was very unimpressed when her friend phoned her on Christmas Eve with another woe is me tale and cried down the phone. She has a family (adult children and grandkids) but is so pig headed had refused their invitation for Christmas Day.
She was angling for an invite to Christmas I'm sure. Thank goodness mum didn't entertain it.
I would cut her dead in your shoes OP - I really would- you are getting nothing from this relationship at all. Has she ever supported you or shored you up- these things are give and take. Cut yourself free . Don't be like my mum having the drama after 50 yrs.

Wateroverwine · 27/12/2023 01:57

I had a friend like this. We were a group of four and anytime any of us would speak about anything, dating or life she would interrupt and talk about something which involved her dating life or social media.
Me and her eventually fell out because she was never there for me and always a taker

Best thing I done getting rid of her. Known her since I was 16 but after her child's dad left her she became obsessed with social media and very jealous of others.
Met a load of new friends more suited to me.

If I were you cut off

Wateroverwine · 27/12/2023 01:57

Friendships are a two way thin

Catsmere · 27/12/2023 06:13

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 22:01

She sounds like an emotional vampire.

I couldn't be bothered with all the drama that she is part of and seems to create by making poor decisions.

Emotional vampire was exactly what I was going to say.

Shadeelane · 27/12/2023 10:53

Real friends want to know how you are doing despite the fact they're struggling. I have a friend who has gone through trauma in childhood and more recently has really had an awful time. We talk a little about his shit but the majority of our conversations are about other stuff and he always asks about our lives.

Your friend might not realise what she's doing so be honest and give her a chance to change but no, this isn't reasonable at all and you don't have to put up with it.