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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Too soon to move abroad?

14 replies

Sunshinedreams1970 · 26/12/2023 18:54

DH and I have spoken for years about ‘having a gap year’ or moving abroad when DC starts uni. Youngest left for Uni in October (6 hours away, her 1st choice) and we had a great 4 week trip to Spain in November. DH is now keen to sell up and move. I love Spain but I feel we need to keep a home in the UK for DD who is only 18, at least until she finishes Uni.
Financially we could do the move and enjoy an early retirement if we sell the house, but it would be much easier in a couple of years when I can access my pension. My head says hold off, have some lovely long holidays and don’t rush it but DH says we have been waiting for years and should get on with it while we’re still young enough to enjoy it. Also that it is only a 2.5 hour flight from her uni so we could actually see more of her.

Arguing about when to go is ruining the dream for me. AIBU?

OP posts:

KnowsWhatAGiraffeIs · 26/12/2023 19:01

I'd wait for the pension for visa reasons.

Also your DD might still need you for a little while. Why is your DH so keen to abandon her? Did he not need his parents at all once he left school? My DPs effed off when I was 18 and it was awful having no one to turn to e.g when I got electrocuted in my first job and was alone in hospital and had to make my own way back to my lodgings. Or when I had no home to go to during the uni holidays and when I graduated with no job in a recession. It was hard and I'd never wish it on anyone else.

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 26/12/2023 19:06

No right or wrong answer is there. If you wait then in 3 years there may be a reason why you can't go, health etc. But your youngest may be sad not to have a home to go to in holidays. What would she actually do, fly out to stay with you? Stay in halls all holiday? If you need extra money too then I'd focus on long holidays for now.

flowerchild2000 · 26/12/2023 19:10

The only right or wrong here is that you aren't ready, no matter if your reasons make sense to others or not. You just aren't ready. DH probably isn't seeing that because it's been an argument based on reasoning. But it's your feelings blocking the move. Start fresh and let him know how you feel and that it can't be changed.

Lizzieregina · 26/12/2023 19:14

I wouldn’t have done this when my child was only 18.

I think waiting a few years until you get your pension and your child has graduated would make more sense.

And I appreciate that shit happens as you get older as my DH was diagnosed with cancer this year, right when he had made his decision to retire. But he still wouldn’t have retired any sooner as financially we would have struggled.

cariadlet · 26/12/2023 19:23

DP and I are planning to retire early and move abroad. Our dd is currently at uni and we're waiting until she's graduated.

She's still financially dependent, needs a home to come back to in the holidays and occasionally needs us emotionally.

I don't think parenting stops when children reach 18 and personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable moving abroad until my dc was settled (eg working and able to afford to rent their own place).

PatriciaHolm · 26/12/2023 19:27

Where would she live in holidays, or reading weeks? DD is home for most of January, and 3 months in summer!

starpatch · 26/12/2023 19:29

I think your DD would keep her home fees status but may not get the loan, so you may have to fund her if you lived abroad, so something to check out.

Autumcolors · 26/12/2023 19:32

Maybe this helps: we live in Europe - not Spain but a country starting w S. Have lived here since DC were small. Now DC 1 is at university in the Uk. He decided not to go to uni here.
Im his mind his life/uni is here with us. He loves his uni experience but it’s not home. He has a bedroom here, friends and familiarity. You DC will lose this if you move to Spain now. Where will she stay in the holidays? She has presumably no friends in Spain or network. Does she speak Spanish? Can she work in Spain during the university holidays?
Is she limited about how long she can stay in Spain when/if she visits you?
Flights can be expensive when your DC cannot choose when to take them?
I visited my DC in his first term - the day I left he got sick. If we didn’t live outside the Uk I could have stayed and looked after him. But I couldn’t- that felt awful.
Our DC can only come home for the long holidays. He can’t pop home for the weekend. It costs too much. So no home comforts or that homely feeling in between the big holidays
Non residents can’t be guarantors for rented accommodation- will the affect your DC. If so you may have to pay 6 months to 1 year of rent upfront for your DC
There are probably other disadvantages but I can’t think of them now. I’m playing devils advocate yet - but these things do need to be considered.

Simonjt · 26/12/2023 19:41

You both need to be ready. We moved abroad in August, so its still very fresh, we were both ready, but it has still of course been very very stressful at times. If one person isn’t ready those stress arguments after a move could easily cause resentment.

WallaceinAnderland · 26/12/2023 19:42

Can you meet the visa requirements?

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 19:43

I feel quite sad at the thought of your daughter not having a home to come back to in the holidays or some weekends.

That was my experience for different reasons and it was horrible and stressful sofa surfing and not feeling like I had a base.

telestrations · 26/12/2023 19:45

Pension and VISA is the practicality

DD, it really depends on what her plans are or would like them to be.

Does she want to live in her uni accomdation all year round or come home? Would she be delighted to fly to Spain for the holidays or prefer to be in the UK for work or work experience, friends, boy/girlfriend etc.

HerMammy · 26/12/2023 19:57

Where does your DH think your DD is to live during the long breaks from uni? Lots of threads on here about parents not allowing kids back after age 18, it destroys their relationship.

Hopealong · 26/12/2023 19:58

We moved to Portugal in 2021, youngest child was 24 and settled with partner in their own home. Still felt a bit guilty about doing something for us. But on the other hand felt these were our golden years to enjoy ourselves and do something we had always dreamt about.
In your position think I would take a couple of years to research exact location, buying property, visa's etc

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