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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed estranged MIL posts pictures of my child without permission?

62 replies

Bonnie3944 · 26/12/2023 18:07

DP & myself cut mil off due to her being absent in my sons life, she has only seen him 4 times in his life, he’s 2 & 1/2, she’s been invited to every family function, bbq, birthday party, new years gatherings, Christmas gift exchanges & she either cancels last minute or just doesn’t show up. We had a huge row where MIL told me to “stop barking” & told DH to “put a muzzle on it” & “tell your dog to shut up” after I expressed to her that dh & I were fed up with her constantly letting us & her grandson down. Since then we have been no contact, she’s not been in touch to apologise or to wish her son & grandson a merry Xmas etc. DH, DS & myself have spent Xmas with my parents this year, we took some pics of DS playing with my moms Christmas tree, my mom posted it on fb & hours later I noticed MIL had stolen the photo & posted it herself with ‘merry Christmas from mine to yours’ insinuating that she’s had DS for Xmas. People are commenting saying things to imply they think she has DS this Christmas. I’m livid & don’t know what to do, any advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonnie3944 · 26/12/2023 19:35

Yeah? Cause I was informed my son was on an estranged family member’s fb so I proceeded to check for myself & NOTICED what she had wrote & saw all the comments.

OP posts:

bigyellowmoxi · 26/12/2023 19:38

Bonnie3944 · 26/12/2023 19:19

Thank you for this comment, I finally feel heard, I understand the tighten your security comments etc to SOME degree but I don’t see how it justifies MIL essentially lying that she’s had DS over the holidays when we’re all in no contact meanwhile DS hasn’t seen her in months. & yes myself & DH had blocked her (and FIL & BIL) on all socials immediately after the row we had, I didn’t think Iv have to tell my family to block her because I wouldn’t of thought she’d search my mom & go through her feed for pictures then post them herself. My mom has blocked her since.

You're no contact because of her poor behaviour so it's not too much of a surprise she's behaved badly.

You're not wrong to be pissed off but I think the important thing is to manage what happens now.

Brefugee · 26/12/2023 19:38

you seem to only care that your MIL has given everyone the impression she had your DC over for christmas and they are praising her.

Do you understand the implications of posting pictures of your child online? Do you have ANY idea what some people do with those photos? A granny pretending she had a visit is absolutely not the worst of it by a LONG shot

Levo · 26/12/2023 19:39

Bonnie3944 · 26/12/2023 19:35

Yeah? Cause I was informed my son was on an estranged family member’s fb so I proceeded to check for myself & NOTICED what she had wrote & saw all the comments.

Yeah, that makes sense.....

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/12/2023 19:59

Bonnie3944 · 26/12/2023 18:14

I feel like a lot of people are missing the point in my post? We didn’t assume MIL would steal photos from my mom’s fb, so we just shouldn’t post pics?

Of course you should post pictures, @Bonnie3944 - but you and your mum need to make sure your MIL can’t get access to them.

To be honest, given how you’ve described her, is it surprising that she has trampled on your boundaries in this way?

steff13 · 26/12/2023 20:06

You're no contact but you haven't blocked her on FB?

If you don't want to see the photos you need to block her or stop sharing photos. You can't control whether she does it or not except by blocking her and not sharing them yourself.

Original poster

Bonnie3944 · 26/12/2023 20:06

To be specific, I didn’t think she’d search for my mom & stalk tbh. & in the past when DH used to keep in touch even though she wouldn’t visit DH would send occasional messages updating her on DS with pictures etc (privately of course) & she never used to post any of them, this is the first time she’s posted a picture of DS so to some degree I am surprised because she hasn’t posted him before, I’m starting to think it’s most likely a wind up tactic hoping DH or myself will break no contact & ask about the photo

OP posts:

Original poster

Bonnie3944 · 26/12/2023 20:15

she was blocked, DH’s nan informed DH MIL had posted a picture of DS, I unblocked her to see it myself, DH’s Nan didn’t give much details about the post, just said she thought we were with MIL & FIL because of the picture MIL had posted.

OP posts:

Saytheyhear · 26/12/2023 20:17

Very sad that she's pretending everything is happy families to all her friends etc by sharing a photograph of your child without your consent.
She's also perhaps attempting to get you and your DH to reach out to her through this attempt.
I probably wouldn't engage with her directly and whilst its up to your DH to decide if he wishes to back you, you may need a mediator.
Solicitor? Your mum? Someone else? Needs to confront her directly with your boundaries "we do not consent to a b c" in your absence but be warned, she will over react.

fruitbrewhaha · 26/12/2023 20:33

It doesn’t make any difference to you op. You don’t see her or speak to her. Just let her crack on. Your life is not altered by anything she does. If she wants to bullshit her friends, let her. It’s quite sad to be honest, her own friends saying “oooo you’re with the grandkids” where in reality she’s on her own. You have a nice family, your kids, enjoy them. The rest is just noise, ignore it.

Original poster

Bonnie3944 · 26/12/2023 20:34

Thank you for this comment, it is sad as I desperately wanted DS to have a solid bond with both sets of grandparents, I used to invite her to everything, would send her pics through WhatsApp all the time of DS’s milestones etc in an attempt to build a relationship with DS but she just never seemed interested. Then as soon as I give up forcing them to connect she wants to play Nan of the year on social media after acting like he doesn’t exist for the past 2 years.
Iv spoke to DH he’s said he wants to ignore as he thinks she’s doing it to get a reaction or to make us unblock her to contact her. Cause tbf this is very out of character for her, she never posts DS & the one time she does is when we’ve all fell out. I had thought about commenting “merry Xmas, shame you couldn’t see ds this year but he had a great Xmas with other nanny” but realistically I think that’s what she’s hoping I’ll do.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 26/12/2023 20:47

Very classic behaviour from this sort of parent/grandparent. I am NC with my mum and a very old friend of mine from when I was a child was screenshotting photos of my children from Facebook and sending them to my mum to re-post as her own. We are NC with my mum due to risk of abuse (her husband is a convicted paedophile, including charges related to images). It bloody boggles the mind what people think is okay to do, both for my dear friend and my mum. I had to cut the friend off and block her and her whole family on social media.

But yes, this is exactly the sort of thing they do. It’s performative grandparenting. I’ve been NC with my mum for many years now. She still gets in touch from time to time to ask for photos to post on Facebook. She doesn’t care about my children. Hasn’t seen them in many years. My youngest has no memory of ever meeting her. She made a very conscious choice to be with her partner knowing it would mean she would lose us. Not that bothered really. What does bother her though is that she can’t play at being a granny on social media for attention. 🙄 She’s the centre of her universe though. It’s all about her.

My guess would be this is about getting you to pay attention and engage. My therapist said these sorts can only play games when there are willing players. She’s poking you to play the game. Get your mum to put her on restricted so she can’t see anything she posts (or just unfriend her).

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