Dinner cancelled

[Glassflour]

Some people might remember I posted about this before but there’s been a twist.

so I was abused by a family friend in every way. It all came to a head 4 years ago. Since then I found out my uncle was working for the man who abused me and I went no contact with him.

my abuser died last month and to say I was relieved was an understatement as he still tried to pick opportunities for contact where he could. A few of my aunts said it was sad etc (they knew about the abusive relationship) and, from the point of view of wanting them to have all the facts, I rang them all and told them of what he did to me. Don’t want to drip feed but this particular case was a horrific act of sexual abuse.

one of the aunts said ‘that’s your perception’ and that she had a different perspective of him so she would be attending the funeral. i was gobsmacked and haven’t spoken to her since.

we are going for dinner in my MILs today and my aunt had invited herself to my mums (we were at my mums yesterday). My mum said she didn’t know what to do as she doesn’t like confrontation and in the end she text me to say she’s cancelled dinner.

i think she feels really guilty and I feel like it’s my fault she’s cancelled the dinner so that my aunt can’t go.

aibu - I should’ve let the dinner go ahead

Don't feel bad. Your aunt sounds awful and it's right she's ostracised after minimising your abuse.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, your own mother absolutely should not be tolerating someone who has treated you so appallingly in her house.

it’s a pity your mum didn’t feel able to say to your aunt “you have treated glass terribly and as such you’re not welcome in my house” but i u detest and cancellation was perhaps an easier route.

None of this is your fault.

I’m so sorry you have gone through such awful treatment.

The dinner should have gone ahead minus your auntie. SHE should have been disinvited.
I'm sorry you've had to go through this. There is only one version of the perpetrator - the victim's.

I'm so sorry you were abused. I hope you were able to get counselling after this, because it's very hard to come to terms with on your own.

It's not your fault the dinner was cancelled. It's not your fault you were abused. It's not your fault your aunt chose to ignore the abuse.
None of it is your fault.

Have a nice dinner with your mum this week, just the two of you. Thank her for supporting you. Reiterate you will not be seeing your aunt again.

If you feel up to it maybe discuss your mum's relationship with her sister and how that will be in future so that it's all out in the open and you or your mum don't get hurt and it affects your relationship with her in future. May be in a few weeks' time?

Do you believe that the dinner has actually been cancelled or has mum told you it is because you're the easier one to let down?
I'm sorry, that's probably quite cynical of me, but if my DD had faced sexual abuse, anyone who was just happy to accept that wasn't a side of a person they had seen, and ignored that had happened to my child would not be given another second of my time.

Disliking confrontation would have come second to red hot anger on your behalf so I can't understand your mum's words to you.
Or cancelling the whole dinner instead of disinviting your aunt.

I don't think you should feel guilty. If your mom doesn't like confrontation this is the easiest way for her to avoid your aunt. Are you happy with her avoiding your aunt rather than confronting her?

So in a turn of events my aunt rang me to ask what my problem was, I outlined it and we’ve gone no contact. She says she doesn’t regret going and it’s none of my business. I said that’s fine but she has to respect my choice to take a step back because I feel hurt. My mum then text to say my aunt rang her and asked if she was welcome in my mums home. My mum said yes. My mum said in her message to me that she knows it’ll cause more trouble but she can’t hurt anyone.

i don’t think she understands how much this hurts me. I feel like it undermines my feelings and makes me feel like an idiot because it makes me look crazy for shutting my aunt out yet my mum is fine to have her at her house. Can’t stop crying. Happy bloody Christmas.

You look crazy because youve shut your aunt out and your mum hasn't?

How about, you look like you haven't had the support you should have?

How about, you were abused sexually, your aunt has taken a paedophiles side, and your mum is so concerned about hurting anyone, she's hurt you.

You are arguably the person she owes most to in the world.

She chose to have you, which should mean supporting you in anything you go through...but this situation she cannot support you because she's put her relationship with her sister above you.

I do have a question, not that I need an answer, but why are the women in your family so hand wringy about this? Why is their first instinct not to support you? Is there a possibility that they knew he was a sexual predator? Were there other sexual predators in the family?
Their response is very strange.

its an exceptionally dysfunctional family. I have another aunt who is no contact and for years she’s been classed ‘the black sheep’. To be honest, as I’ve grown up I’ve realised she tried to put in boundaries that weren’t respected and I get it, I really do. There’s no loyalty with the family, it’s all false and everyone has been so affected by their own trauma that they have no idea how to be moral human beings. I’m so gobsmacked by my mum.

@Glassflour

You certainly aren't to blame for your mum cancelling dinner. That's completely on her. What I find odd is that your mum was 'brave' enough to cancel the dinner because of your aunt, thereby probably inconveniencing/upsetting other people (assuming aunt wasn't the only guest) but she's not 'brave' enough to go NC with her? I'm wondering if your mum is actually afraid of her sister for some reason. Can you think of any reason why this might be? I can't think of another reason to back as sister against one's on daughter.

I guess the bottom line is that each of us has the right to make our own choices. You've made your choice to go NC, and rightfully so. But your mum has made a different choice as is her right (even if we think know it's wrong). As long as your mum understands that you will not be in her presence if your aunt is there and that you do not want to hear one single word about this aunt, there is nothing more you can do. But do NOT let your mum's choices make you think there is one single thing wrong with your choices. You have chosen to protect yourself and to declare "This is the truth and I speak it. I will not hide it from anyone".

I know it's going to be hard to come to some sort of 'acceptance' with your mum's decision. Just remember that acceptance does not in any way mean agreement.

Feeling very lost tonight. I had it out with my mum and she apologised and said she’s sorry and that my aunt caught her on the hop.

my granny (who I’m so close to) keeps ringing my mum shouting at her about why am I not speaking to my aunt.

tomorrow there’s a party for my other granny on the other side of the family (my dads mum) and my mums family were invited to this too. My mum text my granny (Her mum) to see if she’s attending the party and she said yes and that said aunt would be driving her there.

my mum replied to say that that wasn’t acceptable given I would be there and that my feelings come first as her daughter and as a victim of rape

my granny said she wouldn’t be attending then and my aunt rang my mum saying that I’m being controlling in my behavior and that she didn’t appreciate all this.

i just feel horrendous tbh. I can’t sleep. I keep getting flashbacks of the rapes. I don’t think they believe me. I don’t know.

And this is why you likely didn't report what happened years ago. You would have been blamed, guilted and shamed by your family, rather than supported as a victim of trauma.

Think you need to go NC with all tbh...even your mum. The fact she still refuses to put you first and prioritise her dysfunctional and abusive family is terrible. It makes me wonder how much SA is 'normal' for them.

Please take this as a problem with them and not you. Therapy will help!

I’ve just picked up your thread. This sounds like so much drama and totally not anything you have done. Your aunt and granny should be on your side and if they ‘can’t’, they are best to stay away from your dad’s family. At least them not being there will mean you can have a drama free day.

There is no great loss of either of them tbh if they wish to minimise the abuse you suffered. When the time is right, you could reach out to your aunt, who is no contact from the family. Idk if she will be interested though so wait until you are strong.

As for your mum, I am really pleased she’s found her voice. It is very hard to be around toxic people.

You have grown up in a family where sexual abuse is covered up and shoved under the rug by the women as well as the paedophiles. I am so sorry this has happened to you, because the lack of support and care is compounding your trauma.

Other people will find this unthinkable, that you are a victim of such terrible abuse, and yet it is constantly minimised and ignored by your own family. Including your own grandmother and aunt.

Your family ARE the problem. They have knowingly allowed this abuse to continue. Rape is not a ‘perception’ it is a fact. It is a crime serious enough to warrant many years in prison, especially if the crime was committed against a young person. Your aunt is gas lighting you.
I am willing to put my house on the fact the black sheep aunt suffered the same abuse as you.

Are you having counselling? You desperately need support with this op. It’s too big to cope with on your own.

Your mother has been raised to also minimise and ignore. Any ‘normal’ parent would banish the aunt from the house and stand by her dd. Your mother is conflicted - she knows what happened to you is wrong, but she can’t find it within herself to actually stand up for you in any meaningful way.

What other support do you have?
I would encourage you to find the black sheep aunt and find out what happened to her. You will not be the only one op.

I would get plenty of professional support in place.

In order to fully recover you might need to cut off some out some of your ‘family’ altogether, and pull back. You are the victim of a very serious crime - please never lose sight of that. You have been incredibly brave. 💐

I understand the pain and that yes in an ideal world they would all believe and support you. To be completely honest though I think you're best leaving the 3 of them to it and don't go to the events if you don't want to be around these people. You shouldn't have to but I think these negotiations and arguments will just get more and more intense each time.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry your family are unsupportive. I wish you the best, take care.

https://www.sarsas.org.uk/

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

I have posted some links op, I hope you have support in place already, but just in case you don’t - please start here.

This is an extremely difficult, and painful experience op. You expected your family to be horrified and stand by you once they heard what happened to you - and their lack of reaction or care for you must have been a terrible shock. But it does speak volumes. Did they know? Has it happened before? Are they in denial?

it’s important to get plenty of professional support, it will make all the difference. Look outside of your family for help and support - that’s my best advice 💐

I had a situation with an aunt that wasn't as bad as abuse but she treated me badly and my mum sided with her. It hurt a lot and took a long time for me to forgive my mum.

I'd expect your mum to also go no contact in this situation.

@Glassflour

You have to keep in your heart that your mum's choices are hers and only hers. You are not holding a gun to her head saying 'me or aunt or else'. You have simply stated your (very correct & reasonable) position. You never demanded your mum cut off your aunt. Simply that you were doing so. But I do applaud your mum for saying that Aunt shouldn't be driving Granny to the party. Was aunt actually invited or is she simply serving as taxi and wouldn't have come in?

As far as your granny goes, once again, not your circus not your monkeys. This is between your mum and her mother. Step back. In all honesty, your mother shouldn't even be discussing it with you because it comes under the heading of 'I don't want to be around/hear about Aunt'.

I will leave it to you as far as attending this party for your paternal gran. If you feel that you do not even want to chance seeing your aunt, then plead sick and don't go. But if your desire to celebrate your gran is stronger than your fear, then go but leave yourself a 'quick getaway'. And/or if possible create a 'guard' around you of other family members who will stick to your side. And if aunt (or granny) approaches you, they'll head her off at the pass.

I agree with a PP that you really need to get into counseling. I think it would help you so much to put things in their proper places in your mind. It would also give you the strength to keep barriers up with your mum as far as her not discussing aunt, gran, or their own relationships with each other.