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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Brother and his partner - red flags

4 replies

Namechangeyahoo · 26/12/2023 11:01

My brother has been with his partner since August.
Since they'e been together he's completely changed. He will cancel on family gatherings last minute. E.g. my mum's 60th, he kept texting to say he'll be with us in the next hour, never showed up in the end and then just apologised the next morning.

He said he was with his partner and she got unwell so he couldn't leave her - he then admitted to me after that he couldn't leave her as she would get moody and give him an earache. At this point they had only been together a month

Fast forward to when I had a baby. He kept making plans to come see us, and then would cancel on the day. I got a text off his partner (he gave her my number) and it said "we would love to come see you and baby so once i'm off work we will make time" - he later admitted to my sister that he isn't allowed to come visit us without her as she will start a fight :/ - i'm not sure why that would cause issues for her.

The worst part though are the lies. She lied about having siblings, she's lied about being in a coma, she's lied about where she works, also lied about her father passing away when he is actually alive.

I know all this because my brother picked up on the inconsistencies in her stories and she admitted to him they were lies, when I tried to express my concerns he told me not to get involved and that he's forgiven her. He said she just lied because she's insecure and to leave it at that.

I completely understand it's his choice but I feel worried for him. He's 23 and is marrying her in 2 months. Anytime me and my sister try to speak to him he will accuse us of not being happy for him. It does feel like she wants him to be completely isolated and to not attend family gatherings anymore. Anytime he is with his friends he gets a call from her saying she's unwell and needs him to come get her, and when he does so she's fine again. He says all this to me but still wants to be with her

Don't know what I want from this thread but just needed a place to write it out

OP posts:
Weedoormatnomore · 26/12/2023 12:03

So sorry to hear this. Not much you can do. My DB was the same was actually happy when he divorced her fast forward few years and he is married again to a similar needy controlling lying person. Not spoken to him for months as got fed up of the bs and cancellations.

LadyEloise1 · 26/12/2023 12:29

All you can do is watch the car crash of a marriage. I do hope children won't be involved.

There is an option - telling him about the coercive control exerted on him - but it will probably mean losing your brother til he gets sense.

Projectme · 26/12/2023 12:33

Fuck me. You couldve been writing about my 'D'B and his awful partner!!

I'm now NC with him. She's turned him against all family, including our parents. It's been an absolutely awful time.

Not only a fantasist and making up bollox about having breast cancer (honestly, she's vile), she has drip fed brother poison all day, every day about his family (some of the lies she's told him came out during a row he had with me). More fool him for believing her rather than me.

No happy outcome really but I feel better not having contact with him/her anymore. 🙂 utterly toxic...oh and she is part of some kind of cult religion too 🙄

Namechangeyahoo · 26/12/2023 18:06

Wow i'm sorry this is more common than I thought! Yes I agree, it's like a car crash waiting to happen and I do think we are getting to the point of NC too because we're sick of the excuses and we hardly see him anymore so makes no difference. It's his life and if he's happy to be with someone who's capable of lying so much and isolating him than we're no one to really stop him. Atleast I know we tried to warn him

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