Do you not actually talk to your partners about Christmas in advance?

[Merryoldgoat]

I’m utterly perplexed by the threads and posts on social media from women (ALL women so far) who have either no presents at all or a really shit present they don’t like.

Surely this isn’t possible unless your partner is lazy or simply doesn’t like you?

I could think of around 10 things to get DH at any one time and he me. Not especially exciting but nice and pleasant and thoughtful.

Do you not have a conversation which is basically ‘this is the Christmas budget - what is reasonable to spend on each other this year?’

I just cannot conceive of waking up, having bought someone I love a pile of gifts and them having bought me bollocks all.

DH and I have had lean years and done a £20 limit and still get nice stuff.

What has gone wrong? How can a relationship be this broken?

Weve had 28 Christmases together and never bought each other gifts. If you want a nice gift, tell then. If you dont, tell them

I go so far as to tell DH the exact number of gifts I've bought him so it's fair and balanced. I don't tell him how much I've spent (I spent way more this year) and I do give him hints if he asks, but after 15 years together I do expect him to use his head. I also start the present chat early in December.

Yes it's ridiculous. DH and I discuss in advance whether we're bothering for Christmas this year and if so, what we want. Same fit birthdays. I don't get the drama at all.

We don't discuss it in advance, it's a given that we'll buy eachother a gift. We're also not worried about spending the same amount, just buy something the other would like. DH spent about £400 on me this time and I spent about £200.

If he did not intend to buy me a present, I would expect that to be communicated well in advance so that I could do the same.

I do not understand spending household money on gifts (but it’s obviously not my love language!). Why would I spend money guessing what DH might like (and invariable slightly missing the mark regularly), and vice versa when we could just both buy what we want.

Maybe miserable, but we’re both very happy with our joint shed Christmas present to each other 😂

We never discuss a "budget" because we have separate accounts - I think I would find it a bit soulless.
But in 30+ years, my husband has always come up with something I like (either an item or an experience, eg meal, holiday, tickets). He just listens to my general conversation - this year was a facsimile copy of Shakespeare's First Folio, as I obviously spent a lot of time talking about it during the recent 400th anniversary, and he knew I couldn't justify the £££ to buy it for myself. If you talk to each other, you usually know your partner's tastes and interests.

Whilst the conversation can be had, it also needs to be listened to and taken in… or care enough to act on it.

When you think you’ve had the conversation and think you’re both on the same page, it’s soul destroying when they only have to buy for you and can’t be bothered. Yet you’ve bought for everyone else including the kids, done all the prep etc.
Then you’re made to feel unreasonable for expecting anything, the day is ruined when he then sulks because you’ve dared to say anything.

Yes it’s a symptom of bigger issues but it’s a real kick in the teeth when you’re exhausted.

The number of women whose entire family forgets their birthday astounds me too. Especially as they suffer in silent resentment instead of losing their ever loving minds.

I don’t get it either, originally DH and I said no presents as we don’t really do anything for Christmas. He then a few weeks before said he saw something I’d really like and would I like it for Christmas Day. I said ok sure how much was it and I’ll also get him something to open of similar value. So that’s what we did, I loved my gift from him and he loved mine 🙂.

I don’t think it’s the woman’s fault the majority of the time. It’s generations of ingrained tasks that traditionally fall to the sex’s. I grew up with a dad who coked, bought presents, bought food, took us kids out. My mum was the person shit at everything dh grew up with dad who was having an affair from birth, never at home due the job and left when he was 8. His mum was rightly upset but equally now delighted with each new younger upgraded wife bil gets. Bil works away, doesn’t live the country his kids do, sees them every few months, goes out drinking till late when he has them, gets praise as the worlds best dad and husband from mil.

boring steady dh gets zero praise, so it goes on. How do we raise our boys to be better men? By setting higher expectations and letting them see better role models. Where are these role models?

like people say abuse is a cycle, it’s not. You can choose the break it. But it’s not the wife’s fault it was there to begin with. Sil looks after bil kids, hasn’t had kids of her own as bil has had the snip, goes to bed early while he gets pissed up. It’s not her behaviour at fault imo. However I secretly think she is a mug but I’m alone on that point. Everyone thinks they are amazing. Fun bloke, devoted wife. Living the dream.

“You can show care and love with £20 and the complete opposite with £200.”

I 100% agree with this, when you live with/are married to someone, you should know their favourite chocolates and whether they love/hate scented candles or fluffy socks.

If we were skint and my DH gave me a pair of £1 fluffy socks from primark and a small box of my fave chocs (Lindt) I’d be very happy. Whereas if he gave me chocs I don’t like (Ferraro richer) and a (stinking) candle - it would be a pointless gift. With a lot of money it’s easy to make grand gestures but it really is the thought that counts.

@SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth I think I was more getting at people whose husbands are generally crap present buyers who expect the moon on a stick and are then disappointed!!

I agree OP. DH and I set a limit which this year was £50 each plus small bits in a stocking. If there's nothing particular I want in a given year then he knows he can't really go wrong at Leonidas, The White Company, Sanctuary Spa stuff and with Wasjig puzzles. Perhaps not the most exciting or surprising gifts but always appreciated and used.

I can't imagine us both just going in blind and hoping for success.

I completely agree. We decide in advance how much we plan to spend on our two DDs and each other. Yes I have to send him things I’d like/want/need and he works from that list, but only once did he go rogue and left me feeling crap, which made him feel crap. Not only with DP, I ask everyone if they have a list or if they would like something specific because I’d rather spend money on something that makes someone happy rather than something that may well be regifted or never used.

I agree, I always think the same when people on here say partner has forgotten their birthday. Surely it is something you discuss well in advance.

We discuss what we would like as presents. We tried thoughtful gifts and it just meant we spent more than we should on stuff the other didn’t really want.

So since we are equally shit at presents it’s ok to point out what we want. Charity donations for me and power tools for DH. Apart from holidays there int really anything I want. Just being really blunt has helped eliminate a ton of stress for us both.

In this case the person is very clearly telling you he doesn’t care.

The sulking is irrelevant. It is unthinkable that I’d wake up to no presents after DH and I agreed we were doing presents.

And he’d never leave everything to me and I wouldn’t do it either. We might have roles were better at but we both pitch in and share the load.

I do usually have a conversation, but dh would have no trouble buying me a good present even if I didn't make any suggestions, because he knows me well (what with being married to me and all) and is not an idiot. I can't believe how many women are married to either idiots or just lazy arseholes who don't give a shit about their feelings.

I agree OP, DH usually asks in advance if there’s anything in particular I would like and I do the same but I like to think we communicate and know each other well enough to have a vague idea of what else we could get! I generally work on the basis of listening for hints/knowing what DH needs in terms of clothing/accessories/other things, and making a note when someone says ‘I like this’ or ‘I wouldn’t mind one of these’ in the months running up to Christmas. It’s worked for us so far.

I think it’s just a numbers games. Yes there are some kind, caring thoughtful men out there; but for every 100 decent women there are about 20 decent men.
So what do the other 80 women do if they want children and a family? The obvious answer would be to not have any, but the biological urge is very strong. Even if you don’t have children it’s very hard to buy a place to live on a single salary.
I really don’t know the answer.

I enjoy buying presents for my dh and he is the most thoughtful present buyer. This year i received multiple pairs of earrings, books i had wanted,, a L"occitane set, luxury soaps, a phone charging station and because i am going through chemo he bought me various games and activities i can do during or after chemo. I feel very lucky.
I agree that no presents must mean a relationship isn't good. I cannot imagine my husband saying, "Sorry, didn't know what to get you so i got you nothing". He asks for ideas or actually, shock, horror thinks of thrm himself. I also saw something on here saying that the kids, the oldest of whom was 15 hadn't bought their mum anything for Christmas. Surely a 15 would know to buy their mum a gift? People were replying say how the poor kids wouldn't know.
Ds is 18 and from birth we would buy presents for each other and gps from him, he got a bit older he had some input. From about age 14 /15 he has been independently buying gifts for me, dh and gps. He's very thoughtful and i know as a partner /dh in the future he will be a great gift buyer as he as he is now. Maybe it's how you're brought up?

I have varied experience here. Dh is thoughtful but gets it a bit wrong quite often. He was so happy the year he got me a big themed gift, spending a lot of time and effort and I know he tried but it wasn't in a million years something I wanted or needed - I was fond enough of the theme but in terms of a mug or a mouse mat, not 150 quid of customised product.

But then he pointed out that I often get him gifts for the house - like a few years ago when I got him Alexa speakers that we all use. I hadn't thought about it like that (he's the techie one) but I saw his point.

Now we do lists mostly but then I get annoyed that he doesn't pay attention. He's much more time rich than me and I only put down things I really want or would value, often not that expensive so when he doesn't think it shows (apple voucher instead of kindle voucher, 3 sets of smellies instead of the one I put down, knowing the kids had also got me smellies...) It sounds really ungrateful of me I know but it's only a tiny bit of thinking and he can't be arsed to do that.

Then he pulls it out of the bag with really thoughtful stuff not on the list (a book and a pair of themed socks).

We do value presents though - I know others don't which is highly reasonable but we both do, not in terms of monetary value but in terms of treating each other so when it goes a bit wrong it stings.

Tough, frankly!

We are just bringing up kids in dysfunctional homes with low expectations and poor examples.

The first thing my son did at present time was pass DH and me the gifts he’d got us and he’s 10.

Loads of kids seeing their mothers stuck in drudgery thinking it’s normal and carrying it forward.

We should think more about whether we’re creating a good and functional family before creating them.

Seriously? Picking something from a series of links he’s been sent and clicking buy is too much for the poor busy man? I’ve genuinely heard it all now.

Men(as a group, I know some of them are adults including the one I married) really do get away with absolutely no thinking don’t they.