18yo sleep (non) routine

[Theyrealltaken]

My son has just turned 18. We have butted heads about gaming and screen time pretty much forever as he would sit at his pc or stare at his phone/iPad 24/7 if left to his own devices.

Recently I gave him free reign (kind of) to see what would happen and he just can't seem to regulate his free time and get a routine going. He has college 3 days a week, has to be there for 9am but can't get up by himself using an alarm (sleeps through it) so I have to wake him and make sure he actually gets up and goes out the door before I leave for work, it can take 5 or 6 times of me telling him it's time for him to get up before he actually does. He does turn his pc off and go to bed around 12.30 on the nights before a college day but when he has 'nothing' to do the next day he can stay up until 5am and sleep most of the day. Obviously this is impacting on his sleep in general and his routine. This last week he has been going to bed at 8am and it's pissing me right off because he's useless during the day. Sometimes he's loud in the night, talking to his mates over a headset, in which case I'll usually switch the WiFi off for the night after a warning. He doesn't have a job. He does have a gf and he does spend time with her 2 or 3 days/evenings a week, during which he's not on his pc.

Anyway to cut an even longer story short I've installed a timer on the WiFi (not for the first time) and it goes off at 1am. To me that's a late night but I'm getting all the usual sob stories - all his online mates (some in USA) are online during the night, none of his mates go to bed at 1am etc etc and I do understand because when I was his age I was up at all hours and he is 18 so a fully grown adult who should surely be able to decide for himself when he goes to bed. On the other hand though, I had to wake him this morning at 8.30am before I left for work because he had to be at his dad's for 12 and he knew he wouldn't hear his alarm! He went to bed around 3am so he's been tired and spacey all day. AIBU??

He’s an adult

Erm, your house your rules?

Don't wake him up. He needs to learn the consequences of his behaviour.

And drop out of college? It’s very easy to say leave them to it but as the parent of a self destructing teen that’s the last thing you can do.

So he doesn’t pay the bills he’s a non paying lodger. So has to follow household rules. If you rented a room in somebody’s house they would have rules. Only when you are financially independent do you get to set your own rules.

He’s not actually an adult except in the legal sense as he doesn’t have a job and can’t even get himself out of bed. So needs to abide by your rules. If he wants to game later then that he can once he’s moved out! I would actually consider moving it earlier than 1am as it’s impacting your sleep and you shouldn’t be having to make so much effort to get him put in the mornings.

Not waking him up doesnt necessarily mean he will drop out of college. It means he will be late a few times. If this doesn't give him a kick up the backside then OP can decide wether to go back to waking him up or let him face the consequences. He's 18 you can't hold their hand forever.

Not waking him up isn't a realistic option because he would 100% be kicked out of college and I don't want that. I do realise that at some point I'll have to just leave him to it though, I can't wake him up forever.

Your house, your rules. If he can get himself up (or at least only need one wake-up from you, if he really doesn't hear the alarm) reliably for a few weeks, you might review the wifi settings. And use of wifi at night being conditional on not waking you up also seems entirely reasonable.

Just to clarify that even though the WiFi will go off at a certain time I don't in any way expect him to go straight to bed at that time, he'll undoubtedly piss about on his phone for a bit but I know he won't do that until 5am and will actually get some sleep. Also he doesn't yell at his phone

Pretty much what I said to him, if he can start acting like an adult who can get himself up in the morning then he will be treated like an adult who can set his own bedtime. I'm convinced that the reason he can't hear his alarm is as simple as regularly not getting enough sleep so we'll see.