Is she out of order?

[Plofder]

Female relative A aged 35 is 6 weeks pregnant.

She recently told a few close family members, including female relative B who is aged 80. Relative B's reaction (over the phone) wasn't particularly enthusiastic at first, more one of stunned surprise and she didn't know what to say. This came across a lot and relative A got offended.

Relative B later text to say a proper congratulations but damage was done and relative A called back to make her hurt feelings known.

Relative B is now acting like the injured and misunderstood party and like A has overreacted. However I know for a fact that B has discussed A's circumstances with other relatives in the past and expressed the opinion that A shouldn't have children because 'she probably can't afford them' and 'it's too much for her to take on'. I wondered if this opinion was the true reason behind B's muted reaction tbh.

I'm not any of the above parties fyi but I've watched this play out over Xmas period in family. I feel like relative B has been out of order knowing what she's said about A to other older relatives and then the less than enthusiastic reaction. It doesn't sit right with me. I'm trying not to get involved but wanted an outside perspective on the situation .

YABU - B hasn't done anything wrong
YANBU - B is out of order

A is being over sensitive. B was surprised, then texted congratulations, A is going into full miffed mode..... if A had issues with what B had been saying previously, A should have raised those earlier. Not having an enthusiastic enough response and falling out over that seems pretty juvenile

For context A is in a stable relationship etc and works. She doesn't earn a lot and money has been precarious at times but don't think that's B's business. B may worry she'll have to pick up pieces/ bail her out if shit hits the fan perhaps but that's not happened yet and seems quite pessimistic.

B has reacted more positively in the past to other female relatives pregnancy news.

Yes it is all quite juvenile. There always seems to be some drama/ gossip going on when I visit family. I live far away so normally don't get involved.

It sounds like B has her reasons, which I suspected even before you mentioned this (which should've been in your OP).

Some people can't be false and if she's not enthusiastic then what can she do? 🤷‍♂️

Yes B has reasons and they're mainly financial tbh. I don't think she's spoken to A about this directly though only with other relatives so it's behind her back.

If A did fall on hard times or need support then B probably would have to step in and help. It's not happened yet though.

Why would she have to step in? A is a 35 year old woman in a relationship with a job. She’s not a child. Who goes announcing a pregnancy so early on anyway? She’s only 6 weeks now!

Not sure really. It's B's own assessment- she seems to have concluded that A is not financially stable enough and somehow its all going to go wrong.

I agree 6 weeks is too early to tell people anyway.

I can't imagine making a special call to tell someone that news if I didn't think they'd be thrilled to hear it so I can understand A being a bit miffed. Making the second call to complain about it, after being congratulated, was totally unnecessary.

I think that A was maybe unwise to tell people so early in her pregnancy.

B might have reacted in a subdued way because of the financial situation, as well as a possible fear/caution about getting excited at 6 weeks.

A didn't like the lack of excitement and drama. And she had the cheek to call to complain about it. Mind boggling.

If B is a gossip, then that's a shame. But it sounds as though she has cause to worry about A's situation and the possibility of having to be involved.

Although why an 80 yo is being identified as the person who will bail out A if it's needed is beyond me. Is B A's DM? Isn't there a father in the picture, in-laws, siblings, etc. ?

I agree with @SD1978 and @AuntMarch

A seems to be looking for drama.

B was a bit surprised by the news and didn't "compose" a more enthusiastic response on the hoof. However, she then did text a 'proper' congratulations.

A was ridiculous to then stir up aggravation.

I mean, I'm not sure why A is sharing her news so much so early on anyway.

Replace pregnancy with another big life decision. Most people do discuss their concerns about their close relatives’ decisions with others. If you knew your relative was in a relationship with somebody who was useless or a prick you’d probably discuss your reservations about e.g. their recent engagement with others. Likewise if they’d mentioned wanting to e.g. give up a steady job to pursue a random dream to become a singer (and weren’t great at singing) you’d probably express the opinion when talking to others that you didn’t think it was a brilliant idea. If relative B would be expected or feel obliged to step in and support A if they couldn’t properly provide for their baby, it’s not that unreasonable that they might share their concerns with others and react with something less than wholehearted enthusiasm.

Wow, so B didn't immediately react to A in the way A wanted, but later sent a nice congratulations message.

And then A had the audacity to call B and essentially tell her off! Wow, A is a drama-lama.

B feeling obliged to plug any financial gaps due to A's financial state makes A a bigger ingrate.

Some interesting perspectives. I can't go into all back story in case outing but A does have one parent to support her although said parent is making own life plans that involve travelling/ selling all assets and enjoying the money. Don't think they'll be that involved day to day with baby plans as also live far away. B is then the next closest relative and in a very strong financial position.

At the end of the day you can't control how other people react to news though and it's all so early. Think I will just head back home and stay out of it all.

I didn't react well to a pregnancy announcement once. I had very good reasons and genuine concerns about them having another child in the situation they were in and I was right. It was a disaster for the mum, she ended up as a single parent with a shit of an ex and two fairly challenging children.

I did congratulate her properly afterwards but felt really bad about my initial reaction and I wouldn't have blamed her for being upset.

Given B’s age/experience, they might find such an early announcement premature.

I think a lot of people, especially older people, might have a muted reaction like that to a pregnancy announcement as early as six weeks.

Who goes announcing a pregnancy so early on anyway? She’s only 6 weeks now!

Errrrm absolutely loads of people

I have a friend who is relative B (tho not older, an aunt in her 40's) and her opinion on being able to afford children is a hilarity. Looked down on her sibling for having 3 dc b/c "they can't afford it". They live in a 650k house in a lovely area with a pool, all the dc are in sports (grandparents pay for all their grandchildren's music and sport lessons - not based on financial need, they do this for 8 grandchildren), they have 3 holidays a year (other grandparents pay for summer cottage rental and Disney annually) and the Mum is a SAHM and has been for about 10 years now. On top of all that one set of grandparents (the disney ones) are absolutely minted (own 3 properties) and these are their only grandchildren. They have also been saving for them since birth and will have enough for university and a house deposit each. Their goal is 100k by 18 for Uni and another 100k per grandchild for house deposit at age 25.

What's my point? People will always have these thoughts, feelings about what is enough and whether someone can afford it. Someone may look at the above and think not enough as my friend does, others may think in a situation like that you can have as many children as you want.

if you can feed, cloth and provide stability for your dc, as well as a few extras, and good emotional security and well-being, then it's a pretty good start!

B is a very old woman from a different generation with very different ideals and thoughts. At that age in my family, the info being passed on to her would be tailored to what they want to hear and to keep the peace. Nobody should be taking too much notice as what happened with having children and expectations was very different 50 years ago.

The pregnant woman should know by know that Grandma Buggins can be testy at times.

Pregzilla alert.

Who goes announcing a pregnancy so early on anyway? She’s only 6 weeks now!

Errrrm absolutely loads of people

Really not convinced that it is "loads" of people.
None of the parents of the 9 babies that I know that have been born this year's parents shared their news before 12 weeks.
I realise that is a very small sample, but those are the current new parents - it was always such when I and my peers had our dc between 15 and 35 years ago.