What DSis shows DH - SM

[Ummmreally]

I’m completely bewildered and have been for some time.

My sister loves to show my husband photos of half-naked women or ask him about his crushes.

An example might be, hey Paul (not DH’s real name) look at my friend’s son Jay’s new girlfriend. Cue her showing DH an instagram photo of the new gf who’s about 20 years younger than us all, in her underwear. and then following this up with ‘what do you think?’.

Other times it’s been ‘Hey Paul, who would you class as the most beautiful woman in the world?’ Etc etc

She absolutely loves to try to engage him in this sort of conversation. Usually when I’m not in the room yet, but happily continues when I’m there.

In fairness to my husband he hardly answers, tends to mumble something bland, as he knows I’d be pretty upset if he turned around and said, wow, she’s hot in those knickers isn’t she!

Today it happened again and I had to really hold myself back from asking what she’s trying to achieve.

For context DH and I have been together since we were kids. He has never expressed interest in celebrities or models (publicly at least - he is only human). I feel like she’s trying to get some sort of reaction.

AIBU feeling exceedingly more pissed off about this. It really spoiled my day as I’ve been stewing over what the fuck is the matter with her. I can’t imagine showing her husband similar pictures.

Sounds like a form of bullying and dominance. She's checking she's the most dominant person in the room by being provocative and nobody's saying or doing anything to push back. You need to push back. Hard and non-emotively.

That’s my problem see, I’m non confrontational until I explode. Than I end up looking the twat.

I’m appreciating the advice on how to deal with this.

Omg what does her husband say? She's really looking for a reaction and she wants you both to feel uncomfortable/ confrontational so that's why I would go with the laughing response and talk in a 'jokey' was, as in 'are you at that again'. You're not fighting with her and indirectly belittles her without you confronting. Depending on her/you I'd nearly be going down the road joking that she must be the one that fancies these girls and so on as she keeps going looking for pics to show your husband

@Gcsunnyside23

I don’t think her husband pays much attention to her doing it to be honest. He seems indifferent. My sister is always overly invested in other people’s business, whereas I lack interest. I wonder if that’s got anything to do with things.

Definitely. She's out to get a reaction, just doing give her the angry one she wants. I hate bullys like her

I'd think so, she's acting like a bitchy teen/tween trying to cause drama. If you struggle to talk maybe it's better your husband says something to her. He can tell her he doesn't want to look at these pictures and she needs to quit doing it. Then if it happens again or doesn't stop he can turn away or move away. He's in the position here of trying to keep the peace. Maybe he's taking his cue from you and would shut her down if you told him you're happy for him to do so. Even if this wasn't aimed at your DH though it really isnt appropriate behaviour in an adult.

My guess is her DH ogles women this way. She is insecure and slightly narcissistic so testing your marriage to see if your DH would behave the same.

Typical Narc move - provoking the victim until the victim goes off on one and looks to all and sundry like a raving loon.

The technique of dealing with this is 'observe don't absorb' . So, you cool calmly and calculatedly see her game and don't join it. Just notice she's doing it. And then think of some very non emotive phrases, just a few will do.

You could say 'why are you always ogling girls it's a bit odd for a woman your age isn't it?'. Make every single thing about HER and what SHE's doing. Make it about yourself. Also take your time. You can withstand witnessing her doing it another 20 times if necessary whilst you observe and consider what the most dismissive and crushing thing to say is. But never ever in temper.

I'd just do it back and show her loads of pics and vids of female dogs and ask her opinion on them ALL the time and then say "takes one to know one". It's all for fun isn't it?

@Ummmreally
That's just downright weird & she's possibly trying to stir up trouble for her own amusement.

I'd have to just really bluntly call her on it. Something along the lines of, "WTF are you on about? You do this so often. It's ridiculous. You're embarrassing yourself. What are you trying to achieve? Give it a rest. We're all bloody bored with it."

"Sis why are you so interested in what [DH] thinks about it? Shouldn't you be more worried about what [her DH] thinks about it?"

I'm sorry to say this but she is either deeply trying to hurt you or she and dh are in an affair. A friend did this to me though with celebrities and she had a deep crush on my then boyfriend. It all ended in tears.

Next time, you or your DH could act unbothered, and just shrug and ask her what her own husband thinks of the pic.

Or ask her why she's oogling women far too young for her to date?

Ignoring and mumbling isn't working, and being direct might just give her the chance she wants to escalate the situation to an argument or pretend like you are unreasonable.

She's playing some sort of head game here, so best not to give her what she wants by reacting, and, like a pp said, casually turn it back on her instead.

Either she fancies him or she is jealous of you.

I would imagine her DH tells her who she fancies, share this info, and they are open about this sort of thing. I am not saying she is happy with discussing how fit Holly Willoughby looks in a Santa outfit but speaking to your DH about it makes her seem more open minded or your DH and you a bit boring. It is just a projection technique - she has the problem.

Can you make a pointed joke every time...like

'jeez you are obsessed with women's bodies, Lucy, it's hilarious, you never stop showing us those pictures is she like this at home Jimmy?"

on the flip side, how "happy" a couple appears could be different perspectives depending etc, that said does she have designs on your dh ?

I would just say it’s completely inappropriate and it need to stop now. End of. And tell Paul he needs to do likewise.

Is your sister Cathy from Two Doors Down?

I agree with both @Momo18 and @Poppyseason
Either her DH is a creep who openly ogles women and she wants other men to do the same as it will make her feel less insecure or her and your DH are having an affair and she's trying to get a reaction out of him in front of you, although this sounds unlikely going by the description of your DH

I think you very bluntly need to tell her to stop it.

Tell her your find it strange.

Then set a consequence. She does this at your home, you tell her to leave.

She does it at her home, you get up and leave.

What does ‘Jay’s new girlfriend’ think about her potential mother-in-law’s friend showing her own brother-in-law photos of her in her underwear? It’s almost worth going to the family event to ask her and see the reaction.

I would severely limit the amount of time I spent with her tbh

She’s jealous.