I feel so selfish and ungrateful for being unhappy with christmas

[letitbe78]

Me and my boyfriend are currently in the Philippines during our travels. My boyfriend has a friend out here and we spent Christmas with his family. It’s my first Christmas away from home.

I’m so grateful that they had us, but I can’t help but wish we had Christmas alone.
We arrived at my boyfriend’s friends house yesterday evening and went to his sister’s house today for Christmas, obviously we didn’t know anyone. The big family meal was so hard as I didn’t know anyone. I spent a lot of the day on my own staring into space as not many people spoke to us and at times, my boyfriend was playing games with his friend (not the whole time!). I find it really hard making conversation with strangers.

We went back to my boyfriend’s friends house and I was desperate to go to the beach for sunset. But it’s too far to walk and we couldn’t drive as we had a few beers. So now we are sitting in and watching the present opening. I see other people posting their Santa hats on the beach and I feel jealous.
I also really like my boyfriends friend, but when they’re chatting away about things I don’t understand, I feel left out.

I feel so ungrateful; I knew this Christmas Day would be different but I feel really lonely and sad. I miss my family. My boyfriend doesn’t understand and he said I need to just make the most of it. I’ll add that I have a very tight knit family, my boyfriend doesn’t. Christmas is really important to me but for him it’s just a day.

We now have the rest of the evening doing nothing. I can’t believe I’m moaning, I have Christmas in a beautiful part of the world and I’m really unreasonable aren’t I?

You have to make the efforts to immerse yourself. You say you find it hard to chat to strangers but they won't be strangers once you break the ice.

By sitting staring into space they probably think you're standoffish and too good for them.

Get stuck in and have fun instead of being a Po faced party poker.

The world won't come to you, sometimes you have to make an effort.

I know you’re right, it’s just so hard when they’re total strangers and you can’t really join in with the conversation. And I guess I had expectations for a magical Christmas on the beach haha

First Christmas away from home, especially if you're away from your close family, always feel weird. That's normal.

If there are things you'd like to do (like going to the beach) can you get a taxi or public transport? This is your holiday too, you don't have to be stuck to his side especially when he's catching up with his friends.

Can you find 5 things to be grateful for? Focus on the things that are good /different/interesting about this trip. Rather than focusing on what it isn't.

I find it really hard making conversation with strangers. This doesn't come easily or naturally to everyone but it's an important life skill. For most people it's a case of asking some open- ended questions - some people will then just chat and chat, others will use it as a prompt for dialogue. Occasionally you get some people who give short, closed answers and don't ask questions back. That's life, don't take it personally.

you have chosen to travel at Christmas time and you have very kindly been invited to share the experience with another family and culture. Honestly if I was your boyfriend I would be embarrassed and re-evaluating my relationship unless you could get your game face on and start looking appreciative of the situation.

Start being grateful for what you have and not looking at what you don't have ! The beach will be there on boxing day

Thank you, I think I need try to stop having expectations !

Sweetheart, it is what it is. Find the joy in the little things (and make sure you smile).
Do you have a notebook? Then either sketch or journal - ask the people with you for their best Christmas memories, or get them to tell you about their favourite festive food, or start mapping out a family tree- that gets everyone involved and is a great way to get to know people.
Merry Christmas and big hugs x

Expectations are the biggest reason most of us get disappointed at some point. 😁. I am guessing you are fairly young (20s) I am fairly old (60s). My best bit of advice is that it's ok to expect the best, but at the same time prepare for the worst. John Lennon said something like "life is what happens while you are making other plans" and it's true!

It is hard to talk to strangers and it is one of my regrets that I didn't overcome that earlier. Chatting to strangers can be utterly boring, but it can also be unexpectedly interesting. It's a skill, but you need to practice it to get better at it.

Can you offer to help with something to break the ice?

I understand why it's hard. For your boyfriend he has his friend whereas you don't.

The situation is what it is though. And all you can do is make the most of it. Do you have anything you can do, e.g. a book to read, etc

Ok it does sound hard but find a way to connect. Are there children to play with? A teenager to paint nails/ listen to music with? A person cooking you can help? Doing something is way easier than trying to converse with strangers.

They won’t be strangers for long but if this is a serious relationship then this will be your reality going forward. It’s worth thinking about if it’s really going to make you unhappy. Nb I have a lot of international family members who have successfully done this.

I'm with PP, talk to people. It is a really good skill to have.

It is hard away from home for the first time at Christmas but your bf is right, try and make the most of it. Staring into space is not polite when being hosted.

You need to learn to make conversation with new people. It’s such an important life skill.

I used to think people wouldn’t want to talk to me but then my mum said to me once that people are always happy to talk about themselves, so now in these situations I ask people questions and it really helps break the ice. So in your scenario I’d be asking if they’re enjoying the food? Is this how the usually spend Christmas? Etc. it just opens up the conversation.

Thank you guys x

You will look back on this as a memorable Christmas.
Make it one!
Immerse yourself in the experience and just go with the flow.