Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU DH behaviour when arguing

10 replies

YerMaWantsYa · 25/12/2023 01:50

Just had a really nasty argument with DH about Christmas arrangements (we're spending a lot of time with his family this year and I had made a suggestion that would give us more time at home on Christmas Day - he took this as an insult to his family)- he got really annoyed and shouted and swore at me repeatedly. He also tried to involve DS by asking what he would have thought if he'd been in DH's position, making it out to him that id insulted his family. Poor DS was really torn so I left the room and told him to tell DH what he wanted to hear so he would leave him alone.

Situation was resolved and, in my opinion, which I appreciate may not be exactly objective, I don't think I did anything wrong.
However he hasn't apologised for his he acted when we argued. I can't raise the issue as I don't want another fall out in front of the kids this close to christmas. This happens regularly when we argue. He gets quite nasty but doesn't see an issue with it. - he says that when he's annoyed, he'll sound annoyed. So he won't apologise. He also sees nothing wrong with dragging the kids into the argument which I think is just a really big no-no.
We don't argue like this that often, maybe once every couple of months but when we do, I really struggle to just shrug this off as acceptable.
I've tried to explain it to him and he seems to think I'm overly sensitive and that his behaviour is normal. I just can't square someone who would speak to me in a nasty manner and not be sorry about it with someone who loves me. I feel that every time I just put it behind me and move on, I'm letting myself down but it happens so infrequently that it's not worth ruining a good relationship over.

AIbu to hold on to this hurt? Should I be less sensitive?

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 25/12/2023 01:53

I have exactly zero time for people who won’t apologise. Let’s normalise emotionally mature behaviour. People who can’t say sorry aren’t ready to be in adult relationships.

GrumpyOldCrone · 25/12/2023 01:55

And I say that as someone who is perpetually grumpy. I’m not a paragon of virtue. But I fucking apologise when I snap at my partner (fairly regularly).

brainworms · 25/12/2023 01:56

I wouldn't be having that. I'd be getting rid.

Kaltenzahn · 25/12/2023 02:08

Your husband sounds vile.

For me, dragging your son into it is inexcusable. I don't know how old he is but if this happens regularly it can really do some damage to a child.

I also understand you were trying to de-escalate the awful situation but teaching your DS to effectively 'say/do what he wants so he stops being angry' isn't great, if he learns this mindset it could set him up for some pretty unhealthy situations in the future.

YerMaWantsYa · 25/12/2023 02:15

You are right. I don't think I handled that correctly. I just wanted him out of the situation. He's 12 and I just wanted DH to let him be. He's a wee diplomat and it would kill him to have to pick a side. I thought if I wasn't there, it would be easier for him to agree with DH.

I will have a chat with him about it later. Didn't really want to drag it back up on Christmas Eve...

OP posts:
Duckingella · 25/12/2023 02:24

Your husband is abusive;he verbally and emotionally abuses you and uses aggression to intimidate you.

He's also emotionally abusing your son by dragging him into your arguments and is attempting to alienate you as a parent.

Your new years resolution should be to be free of him and his abuse.

pikkumyy77 · 25/12/2023 02:28

You are not at fault here! But you do need to protect your son. Next time ask your son to leave the room and tell your H that if he needs support from a child he had already lost the argument.

Wellretired · 25/12/2023 02:32

Really? You think that arguing like that every couple of months is infrequent? It seems really frequent to me. I wouldn't be able to get over being treated like that and involving the children is very bad. It does sound abusive.

SoreAndTired1 · 25/12/2023 02:41

Every couple of months?!? Most couples wouldn't argue like that more than once a year. If that. It seems like your relationship is quite volatile and you are arguing a LOT. I'd suggest marriage counselling or split. This is harming your child.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/12/2023 03:51

Your bar for what is acceptable behaviour is on the floor. Not only is your pig of a husband abusing you, he is abusing your kids, and you're allowing it.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page