Feeling sad about dad moving on after mum

[GelatinousDynamo]

My mum died from cancer 2,5 years ago. I think I'm dealing fine after this time, but I do find I sometimes miss her during the weirdest moments, and it's becoming more frequent lately. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to, but there's a hole in my life and it seems to grow bigger, not smaller, and it's always in the back of my mind. It's weird because our relationship was never easy.

Meanwhile, my dad has moved on. He has a new partner, is happy with her, they are planning on selling their apartments and buying a house together. I really am glad that he's found someone, I'm glad that he's not alone and I want him living his best life. I don't want him to be miserable. He was really struggling after mum died and I was always worrying about him at that time, the first six months were hell, it seemed like he gave up on everything and drank heavily. He met his now-girlfriend (partner?) at a school reunion, they were friends in school, so already knew each other well, and it went from there. I like her, we get along well. Today, he is happier than he's been in years and I'm happy for him, I really wish him all the best.

But he seems to have moved on so completely... While I can't. And it makes me sad and a little angry. They booked a holiday and it stars on the anniversary of my mum's death and it seems like it didn't even occur to him, like he forgot about it. Their flight is on that day, and he named the date to me as if it were just any other Saturday, there was nothing to show that he knows what day it is. His partner and him are moving to another city after he retires, and I know that he needs a fresh start, but I can't stop thinking that no one will care for my mum's grave now, because I live four hours away and can't visit every week.

It just makes me so sad. And I can't talk to anyone about this, because I'm afraid that it will seem like I don't want him to be happy, which I do. I can't talk to him, he always closes off when things get emotional. But I don't want him to forget and erase mum.

I hear you OP. I am almost the same but I lost my dad a couple of years back.

Six months after he died my mum met someone new and it's like she's forgotten all about us. I don't want her to be alone (she's not old, got many many years yet I hope) but my siblings and I feel almost abandoned. We lost our father and shortly after that, our mother is all but absent in our lives. It has been so hard.

They got married almost on the day we lost my father, 2 years after. I thought the date was stunningly insensitive, but what could I say? She's an adult and it wasn't my wedding.

I don't have any practical advice I'm afraid, but you're not alone.

Men move on VERY fast x

I was 17 when mum died dad was 47 he. Met someone 8 months later and I was happy for him. He was lonely. He'd been married for 26 years to someone who understood him and accepted his pain in the arseness!
Mum's friends and family weren't completely happy but I understand where he was.

I’ve heard people say that people who have had happy marriages can move on because they have no unfinished business of regret.

i know that if I die first I would want my husband to meet someone and be happy again. I wouldn’t want him to be alone.

The post above yours is literally about a woman moving on quickly. It's not about men versus women, it's about different people grieving in different ways.

Thank you, and I'm sorry for you, this must have been hard. I'm also trying to be understanding.

But I know what you mean, it seems like I'm always the one calling him first or organising meetings. Everything is fine when we're together, but he never initiates anything.

Why should he initiate anything?

He's raised you to be an adult. He's met a new partner. You may not like it but that's what it is.

We have exactly the same thing with my mother. She likes to go on about how much she misses us, but makes no effort to see us or organise anything. She now spends half her time in her husband's second home which is hundreds of miles away.

How has your extended family been? Unfortunately we've found our aunts / uncles have taken the same tack and seem to have forgotten we exist, so caught up are they in the excitement of our mum's new family.

Because it's nice for a father to want to see his children maybe? Christ alive.

Who said that I do not like it? My entire post is literally about me being happy for him. Please stop trying to twist my words to fit your bad mood.

My aunt hasn't even replied to my Christmas card this year, so yeah, pretty much the same situation here. My grandparents are as they've always been, happy for dad and pushing him to get married (because it's not proper, my grandma will never change her catholic values :)), but our relationship is as it's always been.

My mum's sister has basically broken all contact to us because she can't forgive my dad for moving on, but that's a topic for a different thread and I'd rather not have her in my life than have her shovel guilt onto my dad and I for daring to live on.

Because he is still a parent and taking steps to maintain contact is what caring parents do.
I'm sure ops mother did all the contact work before she died so nothings changed for him in that respect but your mutual child would notice and it's not nice.

She did, yes. I guess, for him, it's just as it's always been.

I feel you OP.
similar situation here with my mum who’s moved on, with an old high school flame (so it seems) and it feels like our once close family has been discarded. We’ve gone from weekly trips and meals to maybe 2/3 this year. I find it very difficult as it feels like I’m watching a high school girl rather than my mum and in some ways, feels like I’m don’t know her anymore. X

I feel for you. I was in a similar position some time ago when my father 'moved on' a year to the day after my mum died.
At the time, if I raised it with friends or other family members, like you, I felt that it was seen as 'sour grapes'. But it really wasn't.
In retrospect, I can see that there was so much going on and it took a lot of time to process.
My father was giddy and delighted to have met someone else, but had not come to terms with the loss of his wife who had been a rock to him throughout their long marriage together .
I felt like my world had fallen apart. Everything I knew and relied on was suddenly gone and all changed. My family was up ended, my dad was distracted, committed to someone I barely knew and I was dealing with grief by myself.
Like you, I genuinely wanted my dad to be happy but I also felt my mother's memory was being erased and I felt abandoned (albeit as an independent adult!)
The loss of a parent is a complicated thing and takes a long time to come to terms with, sometimes this is even more difficult if you have experienced some rocky dynamics. It can be hard to make your peace with it all.
I would advise you to talk to one or two sympathetic friends, or if that doesn't feel appropriate, you might consider having some counselling.
But what you are feeling is not wrong and probably much more common than you think. It took a few years for me and my father to work out our new relationship, without my mum. He was a good man but not a particularly emotionally, intelligent one and was quite reserved so this was not easy. However, we did both love each other so eventually found a way to get through it.
Unfortunately his relationship didn't last. By the time it ended, I was actually quite fond of his new partner and was genuinely sad for them both when it finished.
Be kind to yourself, understand you are dealing with a lot of complex emotions that will take a bit of working through and good luck with it all .

I get it. My dad was married to my mum for 50 years and 5 months after he died he met someone
They've been together a year and I'm putting off meeting her, and my dad thinks I'm being ridiculous over it

Because he’s her father. It is normal for parents to initiate meetings with their kids, as well as v v.

I am very sorry OP. I think your best bet is to focus on building up your own life. Grief does ebb and flow, but if it’s grown recently it could be a sign your life isn’t as full as it should be.

It’s tough when you loose a parent and the other remarries. You might want them to but it can feel a bit like your lost parent is cancelled, along with your childhood. I think the reality is, you only get one mum or dad, but you can have several life partners, so while the loss of a spouse is generally greater than a parent, it is conversely a gap you can fill.

I know this thread is a few months old now but I stumbled on it and I thought I'd add something. I'm so sorry for your loss and even after 2 years I think it's still new to be adjusting to something so huge as loosing your mum. I've been in a sort of similar although not as close situation for the last 25 years. My grandma died suddenly in her early 60s, and she was so wonderful to me, and this hit me hard as a teenager. My grandad moved on to someone her polar opposite within a year, and for the next 20 years he never mentioned my grandma except in negative terms ie 'my new partner loves to go here with me, your grandma would never do this' (it is true my grandma was much more traditional family and home focussed, while his partner had been a career woman, loved socialising, restaurants, music events etc). I spent 20 years angry at him and massively distanced myself from him and his partner (who he always seemed like a soppy teenager with), only seeing him a few times a year not every week as I always had done. His partner passed 2 years ago and he cared for her with devotion to the end and he seemed so much more upset and suddenly old, he was frequently tearful over her passing. He got ill this year and spent 2 months in hospital, and when it was clear the final few days were near we got chatting a lot more with the nurses who had cared for him. Who told us story after story about his years with my grandma, how they met, dated, married, where they lived, worked, about their children, their neighbours, their whole life. They had stories even my dad and his siblings had forgotten. How he'd made sure every nurse who cared for him knew that if he took a turn in the night to make sure his children knew he'd had a good life and his only wish was to be buried with grandma and he'd waited 26 years to be back with her. He had still never spoke to any of us about her during his time in hospital. He died and I was still mad at him, and now I'm still mad but also grieving not just him but the loss of all those years. Its a bit of a ramble but what I'm trying to say is moved on doesn't mean moved passed even if we don't see it, your dad may have two great loves, but equally he may have needed someone who takes his pain away, gives him company and friendship, a distraction. He can't sit in stasis for the rest of his years even if he may want to. He will know what day it is, but I would bet he really wants to be busy and not focussed on it. My mum found the first few years really hard after her mums passing because she fixated on her mums birthday, death date, wedding anniversary, the day she had the final stroke she never woke up from and so on. After a few years she picked one date to mourn her, but the others she now tries to keep busy or remember her in other ways (buys her favourite flowers or cake, visits her sister, or goes to one of the places that brought her joy). It's taken me a really long time to realise that just because i don't understand someone else's grieving doesn't mean it's not there.

I remember when my gran died, after about 50 years of marriage My grandad met someone else about 18 months later. Most of his children, including my own mum, went no contact with him as a result. They thought he was erasing their mum and her memory etc.
TBH, I found it incredibly selfish of them. Was he meant to stay single until his death to appease them?