To ask how often you think is enough to go and visit elderly grandparent?

[badgranddaughter]

I'm currently studying full-time and living a 30 minute drive away from my elderly grandparent. They live alone, have carers in 4x a day. They have had a series of strokes that has left them unable to walk/move independently, have vascular dementia (although can still remember their family members), and they have speech difficulties too.

I try and see them every other weekend, and stay for a couple of hours but they are disappointed by that and think I should see them more regularly. How often do you think would be a reasonable amount?

What you are doing is more than many grandchildren would do. I think you are being very reasonable.

I think a visit every other weekend is fine. If you feel that isn't enough then maybe call on the other week.

It is really hard isn't it? As people become elderly they do less and less so their world becomes smaller whereas ours seems to bet bigger. I speak as a the mum of two children with a mother who is recently widowed so I am trying to figure this all out myself. I do wat to support them and honour them but I don't want to get to the point of resentment just because I have so much to squeeze into my life with everyone's competing needs.

Good luck figuring it all out.

Darling you are not a bad granddaughter. Do any other people visit ?

I'm sure they look forward to your visits. Remind them you have to study.

I think that’s enough, from my experience of elderly relatives, the more you do they still expect more. I don’t blame them for that as like PP said they’re world has got smaller, especially if they have lost their spouse and they’re lonely but by that’s not your fault and it shouldn’t take over your life.

That is masses and considerably more than most people in your situation would do.

If your relative has dementia, they can't remember how often or how long your visits are so will invariably find them disappointing. And good-byes can be a big trigger for upset - we were advised never to say good-bye but that we were just popping out to the loo/to check on something in the car/any other excuse that comes to mind. This really helped our relative who otherwise got very distressed.

You are doing great.

I think the only one that can answer this is you. Do you enjoy visiting, or is it a duty? Will you miss them when they are gone? That should help in working out if you want to prioritise seeing them more.

I did wonder - especially since they have dementia - if when you visit you could split the visit in half, sosee them late morning (or whatever time) for an hour, go off locally to do your weekly shopping and theirs in the nearest supermarket, visit them afterwards, help pack away groceries etc. This might fill up more of the day for them, while still enabling you to get on with your weekend chores.

I think it depends on your relationship.
I saw my grandparents a lot less but we were not close at all. I think a few hours every other weekend is fine. Presumably there are other family members too.

Depends how close you are. I would love the opportunity to hang with my GP's.
There's no judgment what you described sounds perfectly reasonable..

I agree with every word of this.
You are doing plenty. Will the staff help so you could face time alternate weeks

Dementia may make them forget how recently you visited. My uncle once phoned me up to say my grandma was really upset that I hadn't visited yesterday when I'd promised to. I had visited yesterday and she'd forgotten. She was never diagnosed with dementia but her memory was clearly going in the last couple of years of her life.

I think you're a wonderful granddaughter for visiting so often. If you feel able to phone in between visits would that help them feel more on touch? Or pop little notes in the post for them. You don't have to do anything, you're already doing enough, but if you want to try to do more it doesn't have to be in person. I don't suppose they'll do WhatsApp so you can send messages and photos? I'm struggling to get my mum into the idea and I'm guessing she's younger than your grandparents.

Thank you all. Unfortunately she can't really work out how to use her phone, and can't hear me well enough on it and can't speak clearly enough for me to understand (the strokes have affected her speech).

I think I'm in denial that she has vascular dementia to be honest, it's not really what I expected - I expected memory loss but it's more that she struggles cognitively with things. I think I need to do some more research into it, as it's quite confusing. Her speech is really difficult to understand, and I think that's disguising the signs of dementia. I can't understand most of what she says, and she struggles to write down what she wants to say or point it out on a piece of paper with lots of options written out of things she might want to say.

She definitely remembers how long and often visits are - usually the first thing she will say is how long it's been since my last visit or how long my last visit was (lol).

I just feel guilty when the carers come, they know her so well and know so much more than me. I guess I feel a bit useless.