I feel so alone and let down this Christmas

[givemestrength2023]

I don't really know how to express myself succinctly here, as my head is in a jumble. I'm alone this Christmas (single, no children) and although I've had a solo one before, this one is really hurting me because it's as a result of horrible behaviour from family members.

There was drama earlier this year with my (narc traits) mum doing something that upset and alienated me, my sister and our dad (her exh). My sister initially reacted badly and my mum's reaction was to stop talking to her. As an empath (I wouldn't wish that on anyone) I didn't want there to be bad blood, so I worked so hard to get them talking again. I was then cut off by them both instead, and my brother in law. This is probably because my sister displays some narc traits herself and has been groomed from an early age by our mum. Anyhow, I'm alone - my dad is with his wife, my mum is staying with my sister and brother in law.

I spoke with my dad this afternoon - although I said we didn't need to, as I've spent all day trying not to cry. He wanted to call me anyway and was kind. He understands the hurt I'm going through with my sister and mum. However, right at the end of the chat, my dad/his wife told me that when they see my sister and BIL next week (Thursday) they are having their Christmas dinner with them. I'm travelling 6 hours to spend next weekend with them and I don't know why they couldn't have waited to have it with me. I'm not going to fall out with them over it obviously - it just feels like they are empathising with me over my sister and mum's behaviour on one hand, then rewarding my sister with a second Christmas lunch when I don't get one. I don't mean to sound like a spoiled child - I'm just hurt. Apparently my sister and BIL (who live 30 mins from my dad) aren't even staying for tea on the day - so not making a "proper" day of it.

I feel like getting a refund on my train ticket and binning the whole visit off - but I love them and it's not what I want. I just feel so miserable and alone.

Just looking for a hand hold really, please.

I am sorry you're going through this, it's this kind of behaviour that has effectively made me pretty much divorce my twattish family and I have no idea if I'll ever even bother travelling to see them again. They did something very similar to me this summer round my birthday.

All I can suggest is to do something you want to do this evening - get a nice takeaway if you can, or dig something lovely out of the freezer, make yourself a lovely hot chocolate or nice cocktail/mocktail, have a lovely bubble bath, watch a nice Christmas film or special. I have often got through days like this by reminding myself it will all be over in 24 to 48 hours and life as normal will resume, then in the new year you can work out what you want to do.

Thank you for helping me feel like my feelings are valid. I have spent so much of my life being gaslit that it's hard to know sometimes. I'm adopted too (as is my sister) so this is just a horrible situation all around. Christmas used to be such a different experience for our family when we were all together - now it's just painful to be honest x

I'm so sorry your family is hurting you like this. I too have a narcissistic mother and understand how their need for drama can make a whole family dysfunctional.

You have tried to do the right thing and now you are being unfairly punished. Narcs love to play people off against each other and narcissistic mothers in particular like to create discord between their children. It keeps them in control.

Don't reward your mother and sister by showing you are hurt. I know it will be difficult, but try to look forward to seeing your Dad and his wife next weekend. They are stuck in the middle of you and your sister and from what you have said, don't want to hurt either of you.

Make sure you stay for tea and a "proper" visit and enjoy your time away from the drama.

Thank you and you're right about narcissistic parenting. I've read a fair bit in the past few months about triangulation of siblings and I see it so clearly now - it's a shame I'm 41 and not 16, in a position to advocate for myself at the time. I messaged my dad and he can't see the issue (we'll have new year together) - yes I know, but you're having your "special meal" with people who have blanked me for months, without giving me a reason - and they aren't even staying for tea. I tell myself every year to become more selfish but I can't because it isn't me. As a result I'm alone, constantly crying and dreading waking up tomorrow.

Why don't you volunteer for Christmas and help people who are less fortunate in some way. It will take your mind off your family and you won't feel bad about missing Christmas with them

Oh I would absolutely love to volunteer and have done a lot in the past. It wouldn't be practicable to join or start something at this late stage for Christmas but I'll always give my time and support when it's needed. That's partly why I'm in this situation x

People can just be so very thoughtless at Xmas - they are rushing around doing so much and some obvious and ''important'' things seem to just slip their minds or they just don't think for even a second what should be done or arranged concerning their (so called) nearest and dearest! Bear up OP - only a few more days to go!

Thank you. I wish I knew how to be thoughtless - life would be so much easier (not for others though). I don't know why I'm so sad today - I honestly thought I'd be fine. Nothing whatsoever to do with my brandy intake in the past hour!!

Remember, that your sister is the daughter of a narcissist too and from what you said in your original post, gets her own share of shit from your mother. She is probably playing the narcissist's game as a way of surviving the family dysfunction.

Remember also, that your mother wants you to be on bad terms with your sister. It gives her power. That doesn't excuse your sister hurting you though.

I suspect your Dad doesn't want to take sides. You are both his daughters and he is probably aware that it might be your sister getting a shitty time from your mother next time. She might be getting the "special meal", but you will be spending quality time celebrating the New Year with your lovely Dad and his wife having a "proper" visit, away from all the toxic drama your mother will be creating.

...and, I'll eat my Christmas hat if your mother and sister haven't fallen out again by Boxing Day.

It sounds like there's a lot of drama that's not coming from you, isn't your fault, but just being involved and trying to fix it has made you miserable with your family. If they are narcissists this definitely tracks. I won't go into details but I also played the same role in my family, and I was always ostracized and didn't understand why. I just kept trying (at one point my mother confided she was suicidal, how could I not advocate for her?) It got to the point that now I haven't spoken to any of them for almost 20 years. A few years ago I did a really good group therapy and learned about toxic family dynamics and finally I understood, what happened to me was a very common thing. There's something called a "drama triangle" where each person plays a role whether they consent to it or not, there's the victim, the perpetrator, and the rescuer. I'll just leave that there and let you look it up if you want to, since you asked for a handhold not a therapy sesh! It might make you feel better and help guide you on how to move forward in the future. IMO this is a get out and save yourself kind of situation, trying to fix it is like quicksand, the more you try the faster you sink.
It's not your fault, there's no winning there. It sounds like you do have some family that's outside the triangle, just try to focus on the positive. Try to make plans on your own with friends, etc so family doesn't leave you feeling this way again. I think you deserve a happy, fun holiday and I hope you can find something or someone to distract you from their awful behavior. 💐💜

My gosh, you are nailing it here - thank you for understanding my rambling thoughts. I always thought it was a mixture of being younger, adopted and the only POC in my family but these days I think it was just narcissism! Even her ex husband defends her, what madness is this. I can't fit what I would say into a response, but this mother decided to give an interview to her church, (which was filmed and put on youtube) all about my dad and us as her children, giving loads of information about us to the world, basically. I found out earlier this year, which wasn't meant to happen. I saw the video and was quite wounded, mainly for my dad (as he had no right to reply and she was going on about him having affairs). It was also bloody embarrassing, obviously. I told my dad about it and he didn't watch it. I later told my sister, in response to her telling me that my mum (who lives nearish me in the NW) had previously put in an offer on a house down south and said nothing to me! I was shocked - and then so was my sister, who then contacted my dad about the video. He watched it and then got angry and contacted the church to get it taken down. My mum was then angry with my sister and when I intervened, she calmed down - and now they both hate me. Merry fucking christmas!!

Thank you so much for your reply. It sounds a lot like the parent - adult - child model that I was taught by a counsellor once, many moons ago. It really helped at the time, as I was much younger and had a lot less experience of my mum's manipulative behaviour. Therapy is great!

Some of this is my fault, obviously, because I'm not blameless. I just feel very adopted sometimes. It's complicated and I wish that my dad would be a bit more of an advocate for me, at least. I've emailed my sister twice in the past 4 months or so, just to try and open communication. She's totally blanked me - but yet wanted to performatively leave gifts for me to open when I got to my dad's at the weekend. This year I have said NO to the presents. You don't get to be seen to be throwing gifts my way when you can't send me an email. Narc!