To have a second child by sperm donor

[Ilikepinacoladass]

I already have one gorgeous child who I co-parent with ExH. In late 30s and would love to have more children, but just haven't met anyone I like enough/ who is suitable enough to settle down with just now! My little one has been asking about a sibling lately. Increasingly interested in the idea of going down the sperm donor route - I feel like that's better and fairer all round than getting with someone partly just because I want another baby!? Which I have seen happen countless times. Or should I hold out and hope I meet the love of my life in the next 1 or 2 years. Or just accept he'll be an only child. Money isn't a big issue as I am comfortable (not millionaire, but it would be doable).

Don't take anything your small child says about wanting a sibling seriously enough to sway any decision on having a second child. They do not have any real understanding of what it means to have a newborn sibling

How do you think the second child would feel being different from their older sibling, who is being co-parented by a dad (and perhaps also have strong relationships with wider paternal extended family) while they would not know who their dad is?

You would have 24/7 care of this child with no other parent involved and no breaks. That sounds like it might be quite different from co-parenting when presumably your Ex husband has care of your child for a reasonable amount of time and is involved enough that if the kid was ill/injured/hospitalised or you were, he would be helping care for them?

Do you have a wider support network who would step in and help with a second child either regularly or in an emergency?

What if that child has additional needs/more challenges - would you be able to do that entirely alone?

I really wouldn’t

Nope. I’m already in the ‘no half siblings’ camp and I definitely wouldn’t do it this way.

The dynamics are complicated and whilst it works sometimes it often is a complete mess.

I wouldn't do it. You are thinking of your needs and your current child's needs but have you considered the needs of the unborn child. I think it might be hard for them seeing their sibling going for contact with daddy and not having a daddy.

All valid points. Yes would be very different from current situation where I'm very lucky in that DS's Dad is very involved and looks after him regularly and over nights etc. I think you're right it's not a good idea. Just so sad not to have another baby, and never wanted an only child, being one myself. The biological clock is so stressful!!

I'd get a kitten instead.

A friend of mine is in this very same situation and having a hard time consoling their ds why their brother has a dad for Christmas and he doesn’t. Broke me heart when she told me after finding out his brother was going to his dads he didn’t want any presents this year just a dad of his own :(

Would love to but got allergies

Interesting to hear about someone in the same situation. That is heartbreaking, even more heartbreaking than having to explain to DS why he doesn't/ won't have any siblings :-(

You DS will get over not having a sibling.

Yeh I guess so. There are lots of benefits to being an only child. But don't think I myself ever really got over the sadness of being an only in amongst all my friends who had siblings. But do also know people who I'm sure would have prefer to be only's due to nightmare siblings!

Your DS is not saying he wants a sibling because he really wants a tired pregnant mum who can do less fun things with him, followed by a mum who has much less time and energy for him due to taking care of a newborn who is stealing his thunder and your exclusive attention.

He envisages a sibling to be someone roughly his own age to have adventures with.

That's not to say children don't come to like having siblings but it really won't break his heart if you say "every family is different and ours is special with just you and me".

As he gets older, he will learn how babies are made and realise why he doesn't have a sibling.

I think it's important not to project your feelings on to your DS. You may well be heart broken about not having another baby but that is your feeling, not his.
To accept and move on, you need to recognise your own feelings and desires - perhaps those desires cannot be met, sadly that's life sometimes.

Sounds to me like you have an enviable set up - a gorgeous son, an amicable co-parenting relationship with his father, time for yourself and time for your son plus comfortable financially.
Pretty ideal really.

Would you really want to put that at risk?

I think you need to put your desire for a baby to one side and think more deeply about how a donor conceived baby would grow up to feel.

As mentioned upthread, it can’t be easy knowing that your sibling has a father and you don’t. And it’s not really comparable with simply having an absent father. It’s about being created to never have a father.

The problem with donor sperm, donor eggs, commercial surrogacy etc is no one gives enough thought to how the children will feel as they grow up.

There are a lot of donor conceived adults on social media now speaking out about their trauma.

Its not heartbreaking at all -
DS “can I have a brother or sister?”
You “No, because you'd have to share me with them. Let’s go and get a goldfish instead.”
DS “can I call it Jaws???”

If you are proper desperate the only thing i would consider as a total last resort in your shoes is asking your ex if he'd consider agreeing to have & co parent a second child with you, if you have an amicable relationship. That way your kids are full siblings, your DH is already co-parenting the eldest and they have shared family relationships.

But its pretty bonkers.

Ffs no they are not a possesion like the latest iphone

Yeh is not the worst idea in the world tbf

My thoughts exactly, saved me typing it out. You never know, there's no harm in discussing it if you really want another child. For all you know your ex might think it's a good idea.

Definitely don’t do it to give a sibling. Do it because your would like another child. If I it do it with sperm donor, be prepare for how you’ll be honest with your first child about it

Do it if it's what you want. You know it will be hard alone but I would. I've known of ppl wait and regret it. Also had a friend who did it this way and no regrets

Your exH presumably isn't going to be coparenting with this new baby.

You'll do it all.

The new child will wonder why their sibling has a dad and not them.

You'll be a single parent of two.

None of this is going to make you happier or help with dating (if that's what you want).

I'd rant focus on being the best parent to my existing child. You have a decent set up here, look into hypoallergenic pets.

My first thought was the same as PPs- see if your ex would consider having another baby with you as it sounds as though you have an amicable set up. Seems like quite a big ask but if he would also like another child it could work.

Why would you raise one child with a father in his life and the other without?

If you get on well with your ex then I'd definitely try the route of asking him about a second child. It may well depend on whether he has a new partner and/or plans more kids with another partner.

My DD1 asked for a sister. We had DD2 (because we wanted another, not because DD1 asked for a sibling). When I said, "hey, you've got the sister you asked for", DD1 said, "I meant an older sister, not a younger one".