To think ‘it’s a long story’ is a polite way of saying ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

[Itsaverylongstory]

I know I’m going to get snarled at here for ‘dwelling on it’ which I’m not but it was a Christmas Eve party when this happened so it popped into my mind today.

Many years ago I had some pretty horrible things happen and don’t want to be too dramatic but it cast a shadow over most of my 30s. It started with a false accusation at work - I had been in a professional role but couldn’t do it with the accusation over my head. Anyone who has been in a similar situation will know how awful it is, the stress was immense. I gained a lot of weight and became unrecognisable as the woman I had been. I started doing some minimum wage work just to keep money coming in.

So Christmas Eve came and one of the women I worked with invited me to a party. I went along and there was a woman I’d been at school with although I didn’t remember her, I think she’d been a year or two ahead, and she started grilling me about my life. Obviously didn’t want to talk about it so when she kept asking I said ‘ooh it’s a long story.’ She then said ‘well I’m listening.’ I made my excuses and left.

So - AIBU to think I was clearly not wanting to talk about me at that point? I can talk about it now fine but at the time it honestly was incredibly painful.

Not all people necessarily understand such 'coded' messages.
Just say, 'I don't want to talk about it/I would rather not discuss it' and leave it at that

Sometimes people say ‘It’s a long story’ to warn the listener that it’s quite a complicated tale, so they should get strapped in if they want to hear it. Rather than to say ‘I don’t want to discuss it’.

Say what you mean. 'I find it draining to talk about X' then change the topic back to them.

"It's a long story" could easily be a preface to a long story that you're happy to tell.

Just be direct. I don't want to talk about it is hardly rude.

To be honest with you @quisensoucie i am fairly sure she understood it, but was really after some gossip! It’s probably true I could have done with being more direct but I did feel very uncomfortable and put on the spot (also worried about crying) so just had to get out of there.

It could also mean - ‘Are you sure you’re ready for this? We’ll be here for a while’.

When I say it it’s because I worry they’ll get bored halfway through.

I think it’s the equivalent of people who post vague “my life is shit” stuff on Facebook then get stroppy when people ask what’s up tbh.

if you really don’t want to talk about it just lie. You don’t owe your story to anyone.

I would almost always take "It's a long story" as meaning the person would rather not talk about it.
But if it's a notorious bore, prepare to run!

It doesn’t always mean that.

it can mean ‘it’s a long story that I would share but you won’t want to hear it’

She may have been genuinely offering a listening ear. She may have taken it to mean that people don’t want to hear it and she was reassuring you she would listen.

Its coded language and not everyone takes it the same way

It can mean what you intended, but it can also mean other things. If you were ‘being grilled’ on your past by a total stranger, it’s a fairly good guess that she was insensitive enough to ignore a subtle hint you didn’t want to talk about it, so needed a much stronger statement like ‘I don’t talk about that.’ Or the perfectly reasonable ‘Why do you want to know?’

I say its a long story when i dont want to talk about it and have never had it taken as anything else - however i normally change the subject at the same time - so what are doing for xmas, do you remember when x happened at school something like that

I don't think it always means "I don't want to talk about it" at all. Sometimes it means "I'd be happy to go into it but we don't have time" or other times (often with me) it means "I can't sum it up in 10 seconds so do you actually want to hear it? In which case sit down and I'll tell you at length! Or, if you were just asking to be polite and don't really want a long answer, this is your chance to bail out".

I suppose the delivery is important - if you said it in a tearful or hostile voice with a big sad face on, she should have backed off. If you said it calmly then I don't think she was in the wrong. Either way, I don't think it is really her you were upset about - you were just having a shitty time and you were not in good shape for a party, so you left.