Leaving before Christmas

[Bonnie1398]

I have been married for 7 years and we have 2 children together (4, 7) and my husband has 3 older children (15, 17, 19) one of which lives with us full time.
Over the last 6 months things have been difficult; my husband seems to go in cycles of depression/being overwhelmed? He stops communicating, stays out without letting me know he’s ok, stops considering everyone. I’ve promoted him to seek help which he hasn’t done.
At the beginning of this week I had some planned surgery meaning I needed some help at home, he has done the bare minimum for the kids but same behaviours as mentioned above.
I cannot drive due to the surgery and had had enough yesterday so my mum came to pick me and my 2 up and we’ve gone to her for Christmas (200 miles away!). My husband is working all over Christmas so won’t join us.
I feel awful but I’m at my wits-end with it all!
I spoke with him before leaving and he was upset, recognises why we’re going, can see his actions are hurting us but can’t stop.
Was there another way?
Any advice for moving forwards.

Well done, take the time to consider your future.

What about the child you've left behind?

Should like you have made absolutely the right decision. Your mum is awesome.

Do you need to go back? Like, ever?

He’s gone to his Mums for Christmas as was already planned.
So my husband will wake up on Christmas morning alone - he will go to his mums for food etc

You can’t put up with a soulless marriage where he behaves like this, so good for you for going. Perhaps tell him that in the new year he seeks help or it’s over. Why waste your life? The fact he’s done the bare minimum when you had surgery is awful. He had the perfect opportunity to step up but couldn’t be arsed. Enjoy Christmas with your kids and don’t feel guilty. Did he even ask you to stay? A good father would have at least asked you to reconsider so he could see his kids at some point in Christmas Day.

There's always one!

Do you honestly think a teenager would want to go and spend Christmas with their stepmum and young siblings and their family 200 miles away, when they could spend it with their own immediate family and be able to spend time with their friends?

YANBU and hopefully this will be the wake up call that he needs. Book some marriage counselling and ask him to seek help for his depression.

What is he up to when he stays out?

I would hope this is the wake up call he needs to seek some help. When you left did he even indicate he was going to do so?

I think you have done the right thing as he's been sucking your soul away and now when you needed him to step up he still couldn't manage it.

I think at this stage you need to see what would need to happen to make the separation permanent and start making your plans. Is the house shared? Tell him you can't live like this anymore and won't put up with it and this is what you have planned in order to start an amicable separation. He then has a choice - to open up to you about what's going on and get some help (actual help not just saying he will) or he won't

Not the OPs problem.

Except the info OP gave was that the child lived with them full time, she and the other 2 left and the husband was working over Christmas.

Yes there's 'always one'. I have teenagers, I would never leave one behind to face Christmas alone. OP didn't say he was with his mother.

You did the right thing. If he doesn’t get help for his problems then there is nothing you can do.

Nice person you are.

No, but plenty of people work over Christmas - and being at home for a few hours while their Dad is at work would most likely be preferable to the teenager than being 200 miles away with two young kids and their stepmother and her mother.

I have had teenagers, and there is no way they would have wanted to go away with their Dad's girlfriend and child at that age, and be 200 miles away from their friends! I know that's a wee bit different but it's not too dissimilar.

And yet you are the only person on the thread that has not said one supportive thing to op.

So was the original plan to all go to MILs for Christmas dinner?

Have some rest and recuperation with your Mum, enjoy time with your kids, and then think what you most want next.

If he was willing to work hard at it would you want to try? What is it he would need to address, and how, to make this possible / worth your while? Take time to reflect and think this through.

Is this the catalyst you need to leave for good, plan the logistics etc?

But for now, just enjoy some TLC from your Mum and fun with your kids.

Probably a wise move provided it doesn't upset the kids too much?

Advice for moving forwards: marriage counselling in the new year if you can afford it?

Please take your time to consider about your future and stay cool headed